Thursday, July 1, 2010

a part of him


lillian vorness

i love him.. so much.

that's all i can say to my self. i can't really say it to anybody else. why? coz nobody knows about us. we kept it as a secret from our closest friends, coworkers, and family.

it all started last year on September 2009. i was working at this restaurant and he was just a random guy who came to see my boss and asked for a job. just a little hint, i hated him since the day he walked inside the restaurant. he was this freaking cocky guy who apparently can't stop bragging that he was the best chef in this restaurant field. I couldn't stop thinking that i wanna slap this skinny dude.

blah blah blah.. he got the job and i had to worked with him. it wasn't easy working with a cocky guy. we had arguments every single day.

time passed by. it was january 2010. i forgot how or exactly when, but me and him became best friend. we shared about our childhood life and everything that's been going around us. he became somebody that i can rely on.

february 2010. i wasn't dating anybody neither was he. so, we started to have this friend with benefit thingy. we even made a pack that we wont tell anybody about our 'secret relationship'. we didn't call each other boyfriend or girlfriend. we just friends. that's it.

but, something happened on may 2010. it was his birthday when i found that i was pregnant. i couldn't help to think how can i get pregnant. i was using birth control at that time. how can it be? i told him immediately, even though it was his birthday. he was shocked. and he told me that we can't have this baby. not now. not a good timing. and i agreed. we agreed to have an abortion.

a week after his birthday, i went to a doctor. i saw this tiny thing inside of me. i was 8 weeks pregnant. the doctor said to me that we can do it today. i was shocked. i wasn't thinking that I'm gonna do it right away. So i asked the doctor that can we wait another more week? the doctor said yes.

i called him and said to him that it's way too soon to have an abortion. i need to wait another more week. and he said ok.

one week passed by. i told him that i got the abortion. he said he was sorry because he wasn't man enough to take the responsibility and made me do that awful thing. i said that's fine. no need to say sorry. it took two to tangle. so stop saying you're sorry.

still may 2010. he got fired and we never see each other again. we still talk on the phone every now and then, but i guess i'm just busy with work and he's busy with his own thing.

june 8, 2010. here i am writing this story about what's going on. i can't really say it in detail because english isn't my first language and i had a hard time to figure out what word should i use.

i decided to write to lelove because i need to share this. i lied to my best friend. i didn't get the abortion. i canceled the appointment. i told him that i did it, but i didn't. when i saw that baby inside me, i knew that all of this started because i wanted too. and i shouldn't kill this baby because i made my own mistake.

i'm 12 weeks pregnant right now. and i had a lot of things going on around me. i can't help that sometimes i feel scared because i will be a single parent. and what hurts the most is that i lied to him, the father of my baby. i know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with this baby. so i have to keep it that way. it's just hurt sometimes not bring able to tell him that you're gonna be a dad.

i love him.. and i know it.. this friend with benefit thing wasn't actually my thing, but for some reason, i just wanted to get along with it. and now.. i have to live with this whole sad situation because i have a part of him inside me. i don't know when will i tell him that i lied. but for now, i'm happy with the decision that i made. i love this baby. i can feel her growing inside me.

86 comments:

  1. Of course you love her, she's alive, part of you, part of him. Maybe she's the reason a skinny cocky dude walked into the resturant in the first place. Maybe she's the reason you found yourself liking him for reasons you couldn't explain. She's the reason you couldn't kill her... She is part of you.

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  2. Of course you love her, she's alive, part of you, part of him. Maybe she's the reason a skinny cocky dude walked into the resturant in the first place. Maybe she's the reason you found yourself liking him for reasons you couldn't explain. She's the reason you couldn't kill her... She is part of you.

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  3. goosebumps, tears..

    this is simply beautiful

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  4. I'm all teary-eyed as I'm reading your story over and over again. This could have been my situation. I was with this cocky guy for a while as well, we had a small accident with the protection one night. I promised to go see the doctor and we agreed that I should get an abortion in case. Then I moved back to my country. Never saw him again. Never went to the doctor either. It's been months now, and turns out I'm not pregnant.
    I am convinced that you made the right decision for all three of you. It was your decision to make, and you've chosen what is right for you.
    Promise me that you will tell him when you are ready someday. He will love his daughter. He might not understand why you kept the truth from him, but he will forgive.
    Love, S.

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  5. I'm not the best person to give an advice, but...you should tell him, not for you, not for him, but for the baby, she has the right to know that she has a father, you already decided that your going to be a single mother, so let him decide that too, tell him, and if he still decides that hi doesnt want this baby, then you will be free, there's nothing better than have your mind free of a secret, and when this baby became a pretty woman she will know that she has the most brave mother on the wearth. My best wishes for you and for your daughter (sorry if i made any mistake, but english its not my fist language also)

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  6. thank you all for your comment. especially for lelove for posting this. i'm 14 weeks pregnant now and happy with this situation ( i cant wait to see my baby). and i will tell him someday. wish me luck for that someday.

    Love, W

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  7. English is not my first language but I will try to write cause your post touch me.
    I had a similar story and my advice is: please tell the truth, cause a story based on a lie does not have a long life.
    One day your daugther will want know about your father.
    And I think that you must be more happy and lived in peace with your conscience telling the truth.
    What matters now is the love of mother to your child.
    Good Luck

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  8. You did the right thing. You're very brave. I'm sure sadness will go away as soon as you have the baby in your arms!
    In the meantime, you can have all of us as support whenever you need it.
    Take care!!!

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  9. Im glad that you kept her, I wish I would of kept mines. I was real young but still I should of. Even tho me and him didnt end up together it would of been nice to have a lil us running around. The baby was made out of love, This always be my huge regret. Tell him when you feel is right but keep in mine that she should know who her dad is and he should atleast have the chance of chooseing. I robbed the love of my life his chance, so dont you do the same. Wish you the best sweetie and its very brave of you to write this.

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  10. Im glad that you kept her, I wish I would of kept mines. I was real young but still I should of. Even tho me and him didnt end up together it would of been nice to have a lil us running around. The baby was made out of love, This always be my huge regret. Tell him when you feel is right but keep in mine that she should know who her dad is and he should atleast have the chance of chooseing. I robbed the love of my life his chance, so dont you do the same. Wish you the best sweetie and its very brave of you to write this.

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  11. this is so sad, but you made the right choice, that girl will have an mazaing mother. we all make mistakes but the important thing is that we learn from them.your chilod will learn by example and that example is you.instruct her in the right path, and you'll see. and if tha father doesn't want to be part of this, then its time to let go. your daughter will one day understand what happened and why.things happen for a reason. dont quit! you both have a long life to live. and one day he will regret not being part of that childs life.but it will all be ok,keep us updated!!i wish you the best,God bless you, and you are a powerful woman,God loves you and your child no matter what<3
    love.
    liz.

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  12. Put yourself and the dad aside for a while. Your baby deserves a father. I hope you will tell him before she is born. I've lived my 18-year old life without a father and I will never find him. It hurts beyond words. She should not have to pay for your mistakes. She deserves to know, and so does the dad. Even if it's hard to tell him, you're doing it for your baby. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you're strong enough. Good love will come around (:

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  13. english isn't my first language too, but i`ll try to give my advice.
    I think that you should tell him the truth because it`s better to you and to your baby, he will be thankful and happy if you be honest.
    Be honest with yourself.
    If the father don`t accept his daughter, at least you made something, please don`t be afraid to tell the truth, it`s the best that you can do.

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  14. Your story is brave, i liked that you shared this...can I just please start by saying, there is someone out there for you who will love you and stick by you through thick and thin... i think you should let the father know... its better to let him know now, before she is born, rather then going through that messy stage of shocking him and hurting yourself more, better doing it now then when she in your arms.. & its better telling him now, than living in guilt for the next 15 yrs.. your little baby will make your life more amazing then you could have ever imagined, you deserve to be free of guilt... so that you can raise your baby in the best way possible, you will be an amazing mother... please build a foundation for your little baby girl that’s stable and safe. That’s not built on lies or hurt or guilt… you shouldn’t have regrets... Look only to the future, don’t live as if your Lost somewhere in the past... I hope you & and baby girl are so happy... She will change your world, make you laugh, play dress ups and dolls, she will be your princess & you will be her protector and safe place, she will challenge your patience & yes you will have to teach her the do's and don’ts of life... Every mother wants an amazing life for her children!! Just like God wants an amazing life for every single soul… I hope you make the right decision,

    "See! the winter is past:
    the rains are over & gone,
    Flowers appear on earth:
    the season of singing has come"
    Song of Songs 2:11-12

    <3 m.a

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  15. you are brave. your love for your baby inspires me.

    <3, lhuke

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  16. You are a brave girl, I think you have made the right decision. I wish you all the luck you need xx

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  17. Wow! You did the right thing. Never ever regret that or change your mind. I think the fact that you liked him for some strange reason and that you got pregnant even though you were using birth control means that this was meant to be - she is meant to be. We are all here for a reason and I'm sure her's is very special. You are a brave woman and I'm sure you will be a great mother. Do not fear the future. Tell him when you believe it is the right time. He should know and she should know, but I think that you should trust your intuition on this. You did the right thing and everyone here is proud of you for letting this speacial love live. I really think she is destiny. Be strong and have faith - this will all work out.
    Oh, and send in a picture when she is born, please, I think we would all love to see your little miracle. :)
    I wish you lots of love, luck, and blessings.

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  18. good for you! You did what you felt in your heart was right. XOXO

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  19. Ofcourse its sad for the child when she grows up, but this was your choose right? I hope you did think verrrrrrrry clear about this dession, being a parent is very hard! No high heels again, not going out again, NO ANY SIGARET. I hope that you and him will have more contact so that this child doesnt have to ask herself all the time why this all happend! I dont wanna scare you, just trying to be helpfull

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  20. You should be very proud of your desicion to keep the child! You must be a very brave girl, even though you must be pretty young. Bravo girl. And something else, I think you should tell as soon as possible the father of your child, that is going to become a father soon. Maybe he will change his mind and return back..
    Please write us a feedback!
    Good luck with all of my heart!
    I know that you are going to be very happy and fulfilled someday soon:-)

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  21. Good article, written by a good author

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  22. you are brave .this's a let me sob story when you unknow the things happen when you unknow the things of future then all you did it's courage : )

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  23. u did a right decision. not everyone can have a baby with their loved one. i love him so so much, i hope can have a part of him inside me... i hope can have a baby with him every time we make love.. Maybe he is not love me at all, i'm being fooled.. Now he is having fun with another young babe..

    ( sorry, i'm not good in English =P )


    be strong my dear, the divine is with you...


    love, d

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  24. uhh You should tell him. Its also 50% his. Im who knows mabye he does want to help out or mabye he doesnt. But thats not the point he desevers to know he fathered a child and your child deserves to know that at least his father knows of its existance. Good luck !

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  25. Very, very touching story...
    I'm impressed!
    Good luck with everything!

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  26. I'm sorry to be a bit negative but I think it's very wrong to decide by yourself to keep the baby, it's not just your child, it's his too. It doesn't matter it grows in your body and so you have more rights to decide to do with it, it's 50% his. A child is something you do together, and even if he doesn't want to, it's unfair that he will have a child walking around on this earth that he doesn't know that excists. So I think it's a bad thing you did it this way.

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  27. well oh I'm sorry to read your story but I know it needs a big courage to make such decision. I know you'll be strong and you can make it by yourself
    but I think its very important to tell the father of your baby because he has a right to know and if he still rejects the baby then you know he's not worthy for you and your baby

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  28. You are so brave and you are a strong woman. Thank you to let the baby know that he2she has a great mother. Fighting

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  29. goosebumps and week knees....he is a prick by forcing you to an abortion in the first place...life and love won and will give you the strength to deal with everything that will come. you are strong add you´ll be a greta mother...you proved it already.
    big hugs

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  30. how-fucking-sweet.
    ♥ best of luck to you 2.

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  31. you did the right thing

    http://lovers-shore.blogspot.com

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  32. I'm all teared up sitting here.


    But do promise you will tell me one day. He will love his daughter there isn't any man who wouldn't love his precious little daughter. Think how you dad felt about you when you were born :)

    Lara x

    http://www.fashionalacaprice.blogspot.com/

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  33. You are a brave and beautiful person. This little girl will one day grow up to be a brave and beautiful woman, too, and she will have you to thank for it. She is the reason why he walked into that restaurant, and she will be the reason for everything for the rest of your life. Perhaps you will be able to tell him about this baby one day, and hopefully he will be proud to call her his daughter.

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  34. Tell him right away, before it´s too late.

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  35. I must say I'm annoyed with the comments saying she did the right thing. If she had done the abortion would that have meant she did the wrong thing?

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  36. you did the right thing, because I was in the same situation when I was 18 and now I have the most beautiful two year-old baby girl and she is the reason of my life. And when your little girl grow old she will see the great mom and the strong woman that you are. God bless you and your baby, and don't worry, everything will turn out fine ;)

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  37. You are so, so strong. I wish you guys the best! :)

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  38. I don't know... I think it's just too shocking. You must be a really good person, because If I were you, I would not be telling that I love him, I would be telling that I hate him...so much.
    So, congratulations, although your messy situation, You can still be amazing.

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  40. She is a heroine. she takes courage to make that decision and not to run out the easy door. Wonderful love, wonderful her faith, and I can assure you not made a mistake. People like her there is no. I know that everything will be fine, because she loved much and so she will be loved.

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  41. Tell him. I have four children. One of our daughters was run over and killed. Not a day goes by that I wouldn't trade anything and everything for her. My point? I learned a valuable lesson, in the most painful way, that everyday is a blessing. Tell him. If he chooses NOT to be a part of her life and your life. So be it. But you will never have to regret taking even a day from him or your child because of a decision you made yourself. It isn't your decision to make really. I wish you the best.

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  42. if you tell him there is also a chance he will love her too you wrote to lelove don't give up on him until the final moment given how sorry he was when he thought you got it done theres a chance he will want it too

    you've been brave enough to go keep her... you'll be brave enough to tell him... every little girl needs her daddy

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  43. Dear one... my daughter I also carried alone, in a situation similar to yours... she is 32 years old and we had a great life together as she grew up. She has a daughter of her own now and a marriage that lasted 10 years.
    I never married, choosing to avoid bringing the wrong type of person into our life... to protect her... I don't know how things might have been different if I had not been so protective.
    But life is good and everything turned out well. I send you blessings and courage... trust your instincts dear, and know that you can manage this choice.... if you choose to tell the father, do it not for yourself or some hope you may have for a future with him... but only if you believe it would be in her best interest.
    But always remember to tell her good things about him... there is no need to share anything else... when she is grown and facing her own dilemmas of life, then would be the time to share your experience in full... but a little girl needs to believe that the man that made her - loved her- if not directly, then knowing that he loved her mother... and I think he did... in every way he was able... and someday you may be able to tell him you are sorry that you could not be woman enough to tell him that you chose to have his child rather than hope for his love...

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  44. Good luck, darling! You are a brave woman!

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  45. great story, but proofread next time

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  46. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  47. good luck to you!
    if it feels right, it probably is :)

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  48. ill do a pregnancy test tomorrow. im scared that i will fall for the creature i fear is inside of me. i fear cause its not the right time. but its never the right time. i think its more about the right person. and you seem to be the right person. thank you for your story. <3

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  49. What a beautiful, romantic and sad history. Good lucky! Kisses, Fernanda

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  50. You must be such a beautifull mother, just like your kid will be.

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  51. i truly respect your decision, but i think you're depriving him of the chance to make a decision..and let alone your baby. when he's ready, i think you should tell him. you'll never know how his feelings towards you are or how they might change for the better. For all you know he might have regretted you aborting the baby for it might be the final reason which will eventually bring you two back together.

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  52. i think its good that you followed your heart on keeping the baby, but i really also think you must tell him.
    i grew up without a father and think that many things would've been better if he was around. no matter how much i think of my mother and what a great job she did on her own.
    and imagine if he found out years later and got angry because you deprived him on fatherhood.

    you may make the choice of having the father a part of the baby's life, but i dont think you can make the choice of not telling him...
    it is not fully your choice to make.

    best of luck xx

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  53. I'm a Brazilian reader and I've never commented before. But when I read this story, I couldn't help to right down some words. I would appreciate it the owner of this blog let the person who wrote this story know about this comment. In fact, the words I want to right down are for her.
    We always see these things happening in movies or soap operas (you might know that here in Brazil soap operas love these kinds of stories) but when I saw that at least this story is real, I was shocked at first. But, then, I realized that it was one of the situations I keep saying that I'd never do a thing like that when the truth is that I don't know what I'd do if this situation happened with me.
    I understand what this woman did. But I hope she tells him the truth. He will get angry with her (I guess), but it is not fair with him and with the baby. He has the right to know he is going to be a dad and the baby will grow someday and will ask for his dad. What would her say?
    Yeah, it is her right, she can decide to have or not a baby. But the consequences are more than we think and we shall be prepared (or try) to bear them.
    Regards!

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  54. I think this is sad and what's even sadder is the people who are coming with comments like "I think you're brave, you did the right choice."

    I think not. I think you are a very egoistical person. He will be in sucha schock and get really pissed at you if you tell him. And the poor kid came into this world by a stupid accident and by your selfish decision.

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  55. Dear all,

    thanks for all of ur comment.

    just for your info, i did tell him and he didn't wanna have this baby. he said to me that i set him up. i just need him because he's a citizen, and he's my key to live in this country. the truth is, its an accident (plus i have a green card). it hurt my feeling, but i love him and i'm sure that he will realize it even though it'll take time.

    i never see him or even talk to him. its been a month. i dont even know where he is.

    maybe you think i'm selfish but isnt it wrong if i had an abortion for something that i did?

    if she grew up and ask me, i will tell her the truth.

    i just hope that my baby's father will open his heart.



    regards,

    me

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  56. To raw: That's a little harsh. What about his selfish decision? He wanted an abortion, she didn't - of course he has the right to his input, but ultimately it's not his body. Plus, it wasn't a 'stupid accident' - she said they were using birth control.
    Perhaps lying to him wasn't the most ideal move, but these situations are scary and difficult.

    I can understand not being able to go through with an abortion. I was very close to having one, after falling pregnant quite early in the relationship, but eventually decided to keep the baby, and I'm very glad I did.
    Fortunately, my partner was supportive of whatever decision I made, and we're happy with our 11 month old son now.

    I'm glad you at least told him you're having the baby, and I'm sorry he doesn't want to hang around. My best friend doesn't know her biological father, but knows the story behind her conception. Her mother married a man whom she calls 'Dad' and she's happy to have it that way.

    I really hope you find the support you need. Good luck for a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. Don't be sad that he left - be happy that you're growing a baby that you already love.

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  57. Go for what you think it's best for you. Go on girl, be even braver.

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  58. i am happy your having a little baby girl...enjoy kids are the greatest joy..i pray you bestow your greatest love possible on her. she is already so special and treasured. God Bless your lives.

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  59. Im proud of you! You are such a brave woman!
    And you beautifuly explained yourself and feelings. I understand how hard it can be because english isnt my first language either...
    Well, I think you should tell him that hes gonna be a father... Sometimes we change our mind... but even if he doesnt change, he still has the right to know that hes gonna be a father and your daughter has the right to know she has a father and that you tried to contact him. You didnt made her alone... he was there...
    I really wish you all the best! You and your daughter!!!! Hope everything is gonna be all right!

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  60. Dont worry everything will be allright i'm sure there's someone for you who will acpt you and ur baby and who knows everything happens for a reason!!! i'm glad you shared ur story very beautifully said... sucha brave women u are... my best wishes n prayers r with both of you <3

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  61. I know exactly what you are feeling sweetheart. This happened to my now husband and me when we'd just started going out. Despite all the protection we took, I got pregnant the very first time and found out about it on my birthday. We were both just out of college and not stable or financially secure to be able to bring a life into this world. I took a week to painfully agree to let go. I live a couple of steps away from that hospital and every time I pass by I can't stop those tears. The good thing is we got married on that very day 5 years later and are now trying for the babies sibling. He/she will never go away for me... I love him/her like my own life and feel very bad that I did what I did. I wish I'd your strength. A big hug from India for you!

    MM

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  62. good luck, honey

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  63. i am marveling at your courage.

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  64. Youre strength is so admirable. Bravo to you and to the tiny little life youre creating. YOU-CAN-DO-IT-GIRL!

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  65. YOU inspire me. You're a trooper, love, rock on.<3333333333333333 GOD BLESS YOU.

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  66. You are one brave soul. Keep it up!

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  67. To those that keep harassing this poor girl about her decision: a father doesn't necessarily need to be biological. A father is a man who loves a child unconditionally and would give the world to make that child safe and happy. Someday this young woman will find a man who loves her and her daughter.
    Until then, we shouldn't be judging her for protecting herself from more heartbreak. She's been through enough.

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  68. congrats! no matter what the situation a baby is still an exciting thing. i am 30 weeks pregnant. so i understand. however, i come from a mother who didnt tell me who my biological father was until i was older and it was very hard to hear. you shouldn't keep this information from the father or the baby. it was very hard growing up for me not knowing where i came from. just a thought.

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  69. I have seen a story like this in real. It's about my best freind, his ex-girlfriend got pregnet and told him she got an abortion. And he fund out 3 months later that she still was pregnent. He get so mad and got in to trobbel whit the police because of what he sad to her. But then whene the baby was here, and he saw her for the first time he lovde her, and to day his doughter is the most spoild litle girl on this planet. He adores her now, but in the beginning ha wanted her dead. So it can change =)

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  70. GORGEOUS! and yet very sad.
    i have so much respect for you and i hope you find somebody that will treat you right.

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  71. You did the right thing by not killing the baby.She's alive!A human being.I hope you will be a strong person.Love the baby no matter what.And tell the father the truth..when you're ready.

    Lots of luv,
    Laily

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  72. i wish you the best of luck, but a father has a right to know he is having a child and a child has the right to know who there father is. it will be better off for u in the long run if u tell him now because oneday she will want to meet him and if you havent told him or given him a choice then she will hurt and might come bak on u so tell him even if he doesnt want her then at least u have told him and he knows he has a child out there and ur baby can make up her own mind about him when the time comes....im only saying this as my mum never told my dad about me and i do not speak to her anymore as it was wrong she was thinking it was the best for me but it wasnt every child wants to know there dad so please tell him b4 she is born

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  73. your story is really touching me :'( you shoulda' tell him that you're pregnant, i bet he'll understand because deep inside a man's heart..he know he must take the responsibility :)

    keep strong, remember, lies is not the key to your successful life :)

    God bless you,

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  74. I want to help you. Where in the world are you? You can do this. Alone, with someone, however it pans out. It will be ok. You can do it. Can you update us with what's going on?

    www.12stonehollowway.blogspot.com

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  75. I am so proud of you... coz. i couldn't do the same... i hate myself for it...

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  76. This story touched me deep i must tell you. It's simply beutiful, but at the same time very sad. I have no idea how hard this must be for you. You did the right thing, of that im sure, but please tell the father as soon as possible. If there's something i've learned it is that the longer you hide something the bigger it gets, and the harder it gets to come out with the truth. (English is not my first language as well, so i apologize if its not correct somewhere). Good luck with everything!
    love

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  77. This story really touched me in every possible way, I have to say you did the right decision keeping her and that his stupid for not wanting this child. I hope he changes his mind and that he will be with you when you give birth because nobody should miss such an amazing experience as the birth of your own child. But even if he doesn’t come around I know you will be aright.

    Best of luck to you and your baby, you’re a truly strong woman!

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  78. you are one of the bravest woman ive heard of in a while. i know i dont know you, but i cant say how proud i am to hear that you still have the sense to keep someone whom, is going to take a lot to raise. but i can promise you this, one day, when you have looked at her in years time, she will smile at you, then you will see how beautiful she is and you will have realized you made the right choice.

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  79. this was a beautiful story,
    and i wish you all the best for both you and your baby and the road ahead. You will get through it :)
    this really touched me

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  80. I fully tie in with everything you have printed.

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  81. This really touched me too. I am so proud of you for what you did. I wish you and your beautiful child only the best. Everything happens for a reason, and things will work out for you <3

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  82. I believe everyone ought to browse on it.

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  83. Really i appreciate the effort you made to share the knowledge.The topic here i found was really effective to the topic which i was researching for a long time

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  84. I can not stop reading this. And 'so fresh, so full of information, I do not know. I'm glad that people actually write the smart way to show the different sides of him.

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  85. Wow this is so inspirational thank you for sharing your story and hopefully you soon tell him that he's going to be a father and a baby is always there is never "good or perfect timing" best of wishes for you! :)

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