Monday, June 14, 2010

by heart


weheartit

I got coffee with an old friend from high school the other day and we had a lot of catching up to do as we hadn’t seen each other in about a year and a half. About half way through my iced latte, she brought up my ex from high school. My ex, who, I completely lost touch with after we broke up in the beginning of Junior year. Well, technically, we never broke up. We’d decided that we should go on a break for awhile, and then somehow we never got back together. He moved on, a little too quickly for my liking and began dating this really mean girl. Needless to say, the rest of my junior year and the entirety of my senior year were spent with me moping around about having lost the first person I ever fell in love with. I watched from afar how in those two years just how drastically he had changed. He was partying a lot more, hanging out with the popular kids, and refused to even look at me when we passed in the hall. It was like we had become complete strangers, I didn’t know him at all anymore. When prom came around, I was sort of dating someone new and he was still with the girl he began dating after our break up. I heard rumors going around that he wasn’t sure if he was going to go with his girlfriend or if he wanted to take someone else. I had mentioned the idea of he and I going together to a few people, and the idea got back around to him. But we hadn’t spoken in months so in the end we wound up going with the people we were dating.

Towards the end of the school year there were a lot of senior activities going on, like the prom, prom weekend which was spent down the Jersey Shore, the yearbook signing dinner, class trips, and with the deadline of graduation drawing near, the seniors all became a lot closer. I saw him around a lot more often and even began hanging around with him and his friends again. We still didn’t really have any substantial conversations but we were at least being polite to each other and making eye contact again. When it came time to sign each others’ yearbook, I pretty much wrote him a novel. He wrote back a pretty lengthy message as well, and to my surprise, basically apologized for the way everything went between us over the last two years. He also mentioned how I was big part of his life and that he would never forget the times we spent together. Then it was time to go our separate ways for college, he going out of state and me going to school an hour up north. He broke up with his girlfriend, and I broke up with my boyfriend. The next time I would see him would be the following summer, where we only exchanged awkward ‘hellos’, due in large fact that he had brought his new girlfriend from school with him. I couldn’t hate her, she was sweet and they seemed happy together. As I got into my more crazy partying habits at college in the two years that followed, I found myself on more than one occasion, drunk dialing and drunk texting him, even though we hadn’t spoken in so long. And then the next morning I’d feel like such an idiot.

His friends told me that he ignored my text messages on purpose and that I needed to stop doing it. I tried. And for awhile it worked. Until one night a couple months ago, he drunk texted me. The last time he had ever texted me first was back in high school, so I was entirely shocked to see the texts from him, despite them being solely alcohol induced. The next day when I texted him back asking what that was all about, I received no answer. I couldn’t say I was surprised. The following week, I found myself drunk at a party, and texting him again. The text I sent was “I hate you.” And then I broke down. I cried, and cried, and cried and felt so pathetic. Four years later and I was still lingering over my ex boyfriend from high school. I knew I had no more feelings for him, but that he would always hold a special place in my heart. And that I was jealous that he had a new girlfriend, and that he was happy, while I couldn’t manage to find one decent guy at my school. The next day I decided that that would be the last time I ever drunk texted my ex. I was making myself look foolish and obsessive. I deleted him from my face book friends account, I untagged myself from pictures we had together, and I erased his number from my contacts list in my cell phone. I haven’t had contact with him since then and God only knows the next time I’ll run into him. I wish that our break up could have had a better ending so we could still be friends to this day or at least be civil. So many times I’ve considered messaging him and telling I’m sorry for telling him I hate him, and for all the stupid texts I sent over the past two years, and for butting into his business with his new girlfriend. But then again I know doing that will still make me feel like I’m bothering him and obsessing over him.

I told my friend that I was getting coffee with all about my attempt at erasing him from my life. I then laughed and said, it’s not like it matters if I have his number in my contacts list or not, I still know it by heart. As I drove home from our coffee date, I got to thinking about that expression. Saying that you know something by heart instead of just saying you have it memorized. I guess I will always know him by heart, considering he will always have a piece of mine.
-B

33 comments:

  1. thanks for sharing such a heartfelt story <3

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  2. the same story with me. he hurt me so bad and has moved on.. I still find myself trying not to text him. not drive by his house. not call him from a private number. I just wish he missed me as much as him. but I don't love him. I hate him.

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  3. this story kind of stinks...not the way it's written, just how sad it is.

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  4. i love this. thank you for sharing. this is so sad, but i love your writing. it's beautiful.

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  5. thanks so much for your comments. it is a bit sad/stinky the way it is now i will agree. but i do feel like someday well run into each other again, and then maybe the story will have a happy ending, not us getting back together. but us being okay with each other. =)

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  6. That's just beautiful. Great story, lovely memories!

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  7. I agree, I loved the way this was written. Hope in five years, or even one, you can look back on this and see how much you have grown. <3

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  8. That´s so sad :( But maybe it just wasn´t ment to be.

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  9. He doesn't know what love is. That's it. The only one who recognizes the greatness of love is.....

    http://lovers-shore.blogspot.com/2010/06/only-one-who-knows-greatness-of-love.html

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  10. like your blog. Thank you. They are really great .
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  11. its a beautiful story... :( i am going through something like what u went through before... its heartbreaking :(

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  12. I absolutely love the last bit, the part about knowing something by heart and not just saying that you have it memorized.
    truly great and inspiring story!

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  13. i love this blog! i can def relate to this story.

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  14. The last sentiment was so beautiful!

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  15. Wow, I really hope you'll see him again someday. And I hope it will be good. I wish you the best, maybe you're meant to be..

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  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  17. There is always going to be one person, one individual that will steal your heart, and you will never be able to let go of them. I mean, sure we "move on" to some extent, but there's just no getting over them. There is no denying that the one you fell head over heels in love with, the one that took your breath away, the one that gives you butterflies, the one that you shared everything with, will forever remain a part of you.
    I wish you all of the best, B. <3

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  18. I know that feeling. when you're erasing someone's message and the number appears for a split second when it asks you if you're sure you want to delete it or not. haha so weird but in that split second, I remember the number. So like you, it doesn't matter if I delete it, I still know it by heart.

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  19. WOW! Horrible how we can never stop feeling the love... the thing with me is I don't hate him I hate me for feeling the way I do. And I hate the way I don't know how he feels. We both now married with Kids - therefore the honesty is that much harder.
    I also live in the hope that one day we'll be together.
    I hope that one day you two can also....

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  20. what if i'm the guy who's with a girl who's feeling like that about her ex. then what?

    am i just suppose to accept that she's forever gonna have a little piece of her heart reserved for him and act like it's okay?

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  21. i can relate.. entirely.. but what if tomorrow never comes? x

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  22. heartbreaking and so lovely at the same time.

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  23. Never leave it at what if and maybe later til you've tried it all. As we all know, there might not be a tomorrow, isnt it a shame to sit and waste our time on wondering, when we dont have to I mean. Follow ur gut. And if it goes wrong, be proud that you are brave enough to make a try.

    iwishicould4u.blogspot.com

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  24. heartbreakingly beautiful. I hope you feel much better these days, sometimes a person appear in your life just to leave a special mark and shake all of your will and all this shows that you are capable of loving someone foolishly and bravely :)

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  25. Just wanted to let you know my story is almost identical to yours. I'm proud of you for letting go.

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  26. OOhhhhh your blog is so sweeeeet !

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  27. Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.

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  28. my heart goes out to you, dear. i'll always feel the way you do about my ex too. one day things will work out for us in the end. not the way we expected it to, but it will :)

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  29. Knowing someone by heart....striking message and inspiring too.

    thanks for sharing it.

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  30. When I read this, I was slightly shocked. This is relatively close to a relationship that I had with a guy a couple years ago, only our relationship hasn't fast-forwarded this far yet. Midway through reading it, I thought about how I still have the person's number in my phone and that it would probably be best to delete it, but I realized that it wouldn't really matter since I know his number by heart. Then, I read to the last paragraph of your entry.

    I personally feel very touched by your story. Thank you for sharing.

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  31. I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at www.saveabreakup.com I totally recommend this site, saveabreakup.com helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...

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