Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i was so naive


ffffound

I've decided to tell the story. Of a love that wasn't suppose to happen. It wasn't in the cards, yet somehow, I fell madly, deeply, crazy in love with this person, who would later break my heart, and shatter my world.

We worked together. We would glance at each other, and smile as we walked by each other. He would come and order from me, and I would make some sarcastic joke and we would laugh. It was casual flirting, and really I didn't find him all that cute, but it was fun. It entertained me.

I asked him to come out and have a drink with all of us after work. He turned me down. And I was ok with that. No big deal.

A few weeks passed and my boss and I were going to a local bar, and I asked him to go. (January 5th to be exact). This time he accepted. We had a few drinks, and we kissed. I don't remember the kiss too well (those few drinks really hit me). My boss pleaded with me not do anything with him. But I was a big girl. We made out, tried to go a little further, but we both had too much to drink, so we stayed up and talked all night. I let out everything that I had kept inside for far too long. It felt amazing.

We got up, we went to work. He left shortly after he arrived. He didn't say goodbye. This hurt. But I wasn't going to let it get to me. But I left work early anyway. I went to my neighbor's and had soup and slept there.

Over the next few nights, I had talked to a few people about him. My shift manager said, "You know he is married, right?" I was furious. I was not that girl! I was not going to be the whore that he cheated on his wife with. I totally had written him off.

Then one night, I heard a knock on the door. My mom answered the door. Surprised when someone asked for me. I heard his voice and my stomach dropped. I now had to confront this guy. I stepped outside, and with my arms crossed, I said, "I heard you are married." He explained that it wasn't the case. His ex frequently told people they were married, but they weren't and it was over. I was relieved. So I invited him in. I introduced him to my mom and she gave him the inquisition. She went to bed shortly after that, and we stayed up and talked. He left shortly there after that, but I wrote down my phone number and gave it to him.

The next night he called and I had no idea who it was. But as soon as I found out, I was all twitterpated. I had butterflies going in every direction. I asked him if he wanted to come over and he said yes. So that night, I begged him to stay. After much convincing and puppy-dog eyes, he said yes. We talked and slept in each other's arms. I was so happy.

We decided to take it slow. Neither one of us was ready for a commitment, we just wanted to have fun. We weren't going to sleep together. We developed an insane friendship. We would go on long drives and talk about everything. He had become my best friend and slowly I was falling in love with this man.

For my birthday, he brought me a dozen roses, and then left because of how I was acting. He left a note, but I was too drunk to care. He later came back and stayed the night, only because my mom begged him to. I cried later at the thought of losing him.

On our days off, we would take drives. He would take me to the mountains and it was so beautiful. We would hike and see waterfalls. He took me to the beach one night, and we just walked around and we held hands and walked in the sand. I was so insanely in love with him. He would kiss me and my knees would go weak. We then went and had pie at one of the cutest cafes. We would always bring one home for my mom. We would listen to music and he would always look at me and smile. I felt like I was floating. What did I deserve to have this in my life?

One night, in mid March, we were out driving. It started out just driving around. And somehow, we ended up in Santa Cruz. He parked the car and told me to wait in the car. I had no idea what was going on. He had rented a hotel room right on the boardwalk, you could hear the ocean through the window. We walked down the pier and watched the waves. I was in awe of the ocean. He took me back the room, and we started to kiss. And he told me it was ok if we went further. We made love that night. It was incredible. We took a shower afterwords, crawled in bed and slept. The next day we walked on the boardwalk and I had my first fish-n-chips and calamari. He was opening my world to such a new place. And I had finally told him so, and I told him I loved him. And he couldn't say it back. He told me he didn't know if he was over his ex.

Over the next few months, things just got better. We took a week long trip down to Southern California. I loved being with him. I loved having him hold me. I loved making love to him. Every part of him made me happy. He even got a key to my house.

He tried to leave a few different times. These should have been my clue. The first time, he watched me cry and beg and plead with him not to leave. He told me he couldn't do it anymore. I was devastated. The next morning, he showed back up at my door and apologized.

He did it several more times, always coming back. And like a fool, I took him back. I was so naive.

One night, he stood up to my mom (she had been rude earlier during a dinner between his family and mine) and it pissed off my mom royally. He wasn't allowed back in the house. So we tried making it work but taking drives, making love under the stars and windmills, by talking a lot, and he told me he thought he was falling for me. I moved out of my house so that we could be together, but slowly we started to drift apart.

One morning, getting into my car, I saw his ex calling him. I asked him, who it was and he lied. I told him I knew he was lying. And slowly those lies became a part of him. And apart of me. I wanted nothing more to keep him. So I lied. Mostly small, but about two big things... things that I hoped would keep him around. Nothing worked. He distanced himself further away from me until there was no more. I would lay on the floor, unable to move, feeling my heart break. I would cry hysterically, it hurt so bad.

He had gone back to his ex. And I was left devastated. He had been cheating on both of us. For a long time. I was just too blind to see it.

The last time I saw him, 9 months after our first night together, he and his girlfriend confronted me at his mother's house. He told me he loved her not me. I thought I was going to be so sick. My face was red with anger and with trying to hold back the tears. I remember him stopping right before he left to go be with her, and looked at me, but I couldn't look at him. Too many tears had already been shed.

I would hear from him 2 more times. One through a phone call to tell me how horrible of a person I was when I lied to him and he found out the truth and the next an e-mail to tell me how sorry he was. And that he wished me nothing but the best.

3 years after we met, he is still ingrained in my brain. Sometimes, I will dream of his arms holding me. Sometimes, he will be in my dreams. Sometimes, I believe he calls me. It comes from an unknown number, but I swear that if I still think about him, he has to think about me. How did I feel so much and him feel nothing?

I still think about what would've been. I miss his friendship, but I feel like I made him into the person I wanted him to be. I miss him. I miss his arms, but not the pain. So today, I say goodbye to it all.

Here is the story of a love that was lost. But only because I had so much more to gain.

-CT

35 comments:

  1. get some self respect.

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  2. To anon - wtf?!

    This is a gorgeous story. Even though it happened a while ago you can still feel the emotion in what you write.

    I hope you gained everything possible from that relationship. It sounds like it would have taught you a lot about you

    x

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  3. le Love your blog. check out mine =)

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  4. You go, girl. Take back that heart that's yours.

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  5. you have someone out there who will treat you right.I'm so happy for you.This is the first step in finding him!

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  6. we cannot question what has happened or what may have been had things gone this way or that. it's what great things that WILL inevitably come that matters. that last line is all that matters.

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  7. Holy shit I could've written it myself. Its crazy when you realize you could actually be in love with someone and find out that they are cheating on someone with you. I think it's even worse than being cheated on. Because they didn't choose you. But yet somehow they still enter your thoughts every day. Its a sad story, but very very relatable.

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  8. It's hard to get over someone when you feel like you had such a great connection and strong bond with, and even though you still think about him, I think it's normal.
    He was such a big part of your life for awhile, and a love. You'll probably never forget him, but hopefully you will be able to think of him without feeling any pain, and only remember the good things.

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  9. this was so beautiful. i am so happy for you. realizing what you deserve is the first step of it all. this is beautiful.

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  10. 3 years later you're still thinking about him in such a way and remember the memories so vividly....this story makes me think about my own roller coaster relationship. i dont want it to end like this. not now.

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  11. as long as no regrets, it was worth it all :)

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  12. I'm so glad this story has such a positive ending.

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  13. Some people invite drama into their lives on purpose.

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  14. The worst part is believing someone is commited just to find out later that they never really were. It's cruel for him to have screwed with your heart like that. Don't continue to give him that power even if it only exists in your thoughts.

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  15. This was an incredible story.

    The realization that you're worth so much more than what's happened to you is beautiful. I hope you truly do find happiness.

    You are not the summation of the events that have occurred, but what you make of yourself.

    If you're happy, you're successful.

    I wish you the best of everything. I don't know you, but I'm incredibly proud of you.

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  16. just remember you should never lie to try and keep someone around. no matter what it will always come back to ruin everything.

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  17. hindsight is always 20/20, and that is bullshit.

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  18. It's as though i had written this. it was scary.... except i didn't meet my ex- at a coffee shop.... i met him through mutual friends. Right down to the T though.... wow. it's hard to say goodbye, but it is necessary. we have to keep walking, there is still a lonnng way to go...better things are to come.
    -k

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  19. i started to cry..it reminds me of my situation now..i don't deserve this pain

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  20. this story is amazing.. captivated me the whole time..

    i wish men told stories like this. why are women always so hurt?
    im sick of being hurt.

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  21. this was beautiful.

    "I've decided to tell the story. Of a love that wasn't suppose to happen. It wasn't in the cards, yet somehow, I fell madly, deeply, crazy in love with this person, who would later break my heart, and shatter my world."

    I feel like that should be the beginning of a movie.. or a book. nicely written.

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  22. i know this feeling well. all i can say is that with time, you will meet someone who truly deserves you, and he'll be the reason why this love had to end. that i promise you :).

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  23. Since the 3 years have gone by, have you successfully found love? Or is 3 years asking too much?
    I'm in a similar situation, and I've lost all hope. The pain is just a burden I feel I need to accept and live with.
    - April

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  24. For those of you who wonder, I have found the love of my life and have now been married a year. We met right after this all happened. And while sometimes, my thoughts go back to this vivid memories, it is nothing compared to what I have now. Which is a love that is unconditional, eternal and ours. We are in this together. Don't give up hope. It is suppose to hurt, so you know the good when it comes. This I promise you.

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  25. i teared when i finished reading. you're an amazing writer, i could feel you totally. there were so much in there, that i can relate to. i guess, it just feels better when you let it all out, i am slowly letting go bit by bit too.

    thanks for showing me that it is possible of moving on. and that love truly exists.

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  26. I know the feeling and I understand where u coming from... and life is so precious and its good that you have the courage to get back on ur feet where u fell... Go girl!!

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  27. This is extremely poorly written and highly ambiguous because you leave out the two important things you lied about. They could be factors that change everything about the story, flipping the blame from him to you.

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  28. that photo has totally been me
    writer - thanks for sharing heartfelt experience

    <3,
    http://northboundsm.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
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  30. Love blindness.. what a beautiful story, but so sad too! :(

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  32. It will not succeed as a matter of fact, that is what I consider.

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