Wednesday, November 4, 2009

i just need some helpful words...


you see, i’ve got this problem. this big, huge black cloud that i can’t discuss with anyone in detail. i say i, it’s more someone else's issue. but i must bear the brunt of it. no one will understand, or they’ll be embarrassed, like i am. they’ll fob me off with lines like, ‘oh, you guys should talk’. i’d say the same thing if someone asked me their advice on the same issue. but i’ve tried talking. talking gets us to the same point every time. i should be gentle, considerate, compassionate. but these are all very difficult when one is also trying to fight off pangs of lust and pure desire at the same time. i am essentially driven by love for him, it’s why i’m still battling this big black cloud that’s beginning to create a shadow, it’s all for him. and i’ll never stop until we succeed. i just need some helpful words, some kind of direction. someone to tell me that this is all fixable, to base my hopes on.

my boyfriend is 20 years old, and i am the first person he will sleep with. i say will sleep with because we struggle. he struggles. i am trying very hard to spare blushes by omitting the gritty details, because that's not what it's about, having mindblowing sex. it's about being one with him, the intimacy. but he can't. he struggles. and it's breaking my heart.



  1. i think the phrase "i'll never stop until we succeed" is a little scary. the word "never" is a little scary.

    i think maybe, with whatever is wrong, you should be patient. and be strong. there are things that could be seriously wrong- it's possible that he needs to talk to someone professional. it's also possible that it's the pressure that is making him "struggle". then you both need to back off on the sex and just be together for awhile.

    i don't know what the issue is, but it may be beyond what the two of you can fix together. but it is fixable, by someone.

  2. I've been in this situation twice. I would provide some words but first I have a question, how many times have you guys tried?

  3. Very raw post.
    Especially the last sentence.
    Just be strong for both of you.

  4. I understand sweetie.
    I know how that is. It's too embarrassing to speak to anyone about, but yet it tears you apart inside still, so it can't just be ignored.
    My boyfriend has similar issues.
    And I wish I could give you a solution, but I can't.
    It depends on the individual and their situation.
    All I can say is maybe it's psychological, mental, and not physical. I mean, it probably is.
    So maybe he needs to talk to you more, but not only that.
    Maybe he needs to take some time on his own and look inside himself and figure it out.
    Best of luck.

  5. Matrioshka,

    I believe that a lot of it is timing and place. I agree that you should just be together for a while. Don't force sex or think that it's absolutely necessary right now. Yes, the disconnect of intimacy is painful right now, but for his sake, I think you need to sacrifice a little time. If he's pushed too hard, it may have an adverse effect. If it happens naturally, it will be that much more beautiful.

    In my eyes, if there's struggle, that means you're both trying. It's lack of trying you should be worried about.


  6. I have been in this situation before.
    Intimacy for men comes in many forms, he needs to connect more with you on other levels before he can feel comfortable letting you in like that. Sometimes just BE, just hold his hand and sit quietly, or fall asleep in his arms, or let him fall asleep in your arms. Sleep together (zzzz) but only kiss and hold each other. The sex will soon come.

  7. If he's not ready ... be it physical, psychological, mental, whatever ... he's not ready.

    And if you really love him, the intimacy can wait.

    This is nothing to be embarrassed about, just take this as another opportunity to prove your love to him by being "gentle, considerate, compassionate"

    As a virgin by choice, the only men who have loved me are the ones who could suck up their lust and desire and sexual frustration. And if they couldn't, then I knew they weren't for me.

  8. Be patient. Intimacy will come when it comes. If you try to force it now, the situation between you both might change forever and MAYBE not for the good. It'll come.

    I waited about a year for a guy. It was worth it. :D

  9. Regardless of what happenss, I admire your strength and courage and tenacity for posting this.

    I wish you both love xxx

  10. i have been here. It is awful, you don't want to tell anyone because what will they say, what will they think, and its to personal for anyone to know. It always caused a fight when i tried to talk about it. He was to ashamed and embarssed to seek help. My suggestion is talk about when your not doing anything physical. Sit him down and talk about seperate from a sexual incounter and make sure you tell him you just want to help him and assure him you are not going anywhere. Its an awful situation and there is not quick solution.

  11. I waited almost 4 years for a guy to be "ready", and it never happened. We fell into a pattern where it didn't bother me anymore after about the first 2 years. We broke up for other reasons. He slept with his next girlfriend within a week of dating her.

    We are best friends now, and tells me often that I am the love of his life, and we will end up together. He says he knew this way back when we were 13, when we first met. He says I make him nervous, knowing that I am the "one", and that it doesn't happen with other girls because it is only physical, not emotional, not love. We're now in our late 20's and he has proposed to me. I haven't given him an answer.

  12. anonymous above, that is such a sweet story. i wrote this post, and i can say i feel similar to how your guy feels. we've based our relationship on love and trust and not sex, and it is a truly magnificent feeling. from the response this post has evoked, it seems i have come across as quite the selfish, demanding girlfriend. we have tried only once. and i daren't pressure him to try again for fear of losing the love of my life.

  13. i don t know from the amount of info that you provided if there is something "wrong" with him but it sounds very normal. i had this problem a number of times when in a new relationship with a not so experienced s too emotional for men.. they don t have the kind of emotional support and knowledge women have before having sex. they think people expect them to perform like porn stars. i d try to take away the tension and do other stuff in bed for some time-at some point it will happen and it will be great=)

  14. oh jeeeez, writer!
    you only tried once?
    give it time.
    my prescription?
    less talking, more touching and loving.
    it'll work itself out.
    if you'r lustful and desiring, masterbate before u see him.
    it'll take the pressure off and you can take your time.
    also, this is a problem with a majority of men.
    a million different things can way in.

  15. he's right- you should be gentle, considerate, and compassionate. and if you can't be those things for him when he needs them, maybe that's the real problem. sex is a big deal- a very big deal. there's nothing wrong with waiting/being afriad/not being ready. give him time, give him space, and let him know you don't, under any circumstances, expect anything. expectations make it so much worse. let him know you love him even if you two never have sex. besides, falling asleep with someone is often far more intimate than the physical act of intercourse. just give him time, and force yourself to be patient and to stop thinking about it/letting that black cloud hang there.

  16. sex is such a huge thing. I changes relationships. sometimes for the worse sometimes for the better. maybe he isn't ready for that change to happen, and you should be understanding of that. You can't force it, and sex doesn't solve things.

  17. It's important to examine 'why' he isn't ready.. and more than that, 'why' he has yet to EVER be ready.

    I'm 23 and still waiting for marriage to have sex. Previous boyfriends would always remind me of the space our 'not having sex' put between us. They weren't pushy (most of them at least). But, they still reminded me about the void of intimacy between us. That alone made me feel guilty.. like I wasn't meeting their needs (physically and emotionally)... Even though their needs would have destroyed me.

    If I would have slept with ANY of them (to meet their needs), I would have regretted it forever. For me, I'll only ever give that intimacy to one man.

    Your boyfriend might not feel the same as I do, but he might. I have no idea what he feels. What's important is what he needs. And, if you love him, you will need for him what he needs, whatever that is :)

    But you may have already figured that out :)

    Best wishes to you *both*


  18. "Never says never, never say always."


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