Wednesday, November 4, 2009

i just need some helpful words...


you see, i’ve got this problem. this big, huge black cloud that i can’t discuss with anyone in detail. i say i, it’s more someone else's issue. but i must bear the brunt of it. no one will understand, or they’ll be embarrassed, like i am. they’ll fob me off with lines like, ‘oh, you guys should talk’. i’d say the same thing if someone asked me their advice on the same issue. but i’ve tried talking. talking gets us to the same point every time. i should be gentle, considerate, compassionate. but these are all very difficult when one is also trying to fight off pangs of lust and pure desire at the same time. i am essentially driven by love for him, it’s why i’m still battling this big black cloud that’s beginning to create a shadow, it’s all for him. and i’ll never stop until we succeed. i just need some helpful words, some kind of direction. someone to tell me that this is all fixable, to base my hopes on.

my boyfriend is 20 years old, and i am the first person he will sleep with. i say will sleep with because we struggle. he struggles. i am trying very hard to spare blushes by omitting the gritty details, because that's not what it's about, having mindblowing sex. it's about being one with him, the intimacy. but he can't. he struggles. and it's breaking my heart.

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