Photos via: Tamar Burduli and The Accidental Executive
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
life sends you these people
Photo via: Margaret Durow
I spent one day out of my life with you. Just one. Just one measly day out of 24 years of my existence and the impact you left still keeps me wondering about you from time to time.
I met you while I worked at a bar over the summer. I spotted you immediately before you could even get close enough to order a Jameson and ginger. And once you opened your mouth and a thick English accent poured out, I knew I was in trouble. I've always had a soft spot for English boys and you stood out like a sore thumb amongst the typical, classless frat boys that take over about 90% of Philadelphia. You were tall and your smile was perfect. You had better style than any man I've ever seen. Before the night was over, I made sure I had the chance to slip you my number, even though I basically knew what your plan was. I could tell that accent probably seduced way more girls than just me. You stood out and you knew it.
I met you at a strange time in my life. I was still talking to an ex boyfriend who had completely and utterly destroyed my heart and I was trying to win him back and move on from him, all at the same time. My heart was a mess but you never found that out about me and maybe that's why you meant so much to me, because in you, I found a girl who was completely new. However, I knew my baggage didn't matter because you had already explained in a week you would be on your way, moving to a different part of the country for your job. Right then, right in that moment- I knew that I could fall so dangerously hard for you, but I also knew that it was impossible- that you were basically just a figment of my imagination from here on out, and that for once in my life, I could be a girl whom both you and I had never met. You made me smile so big, you gave me butterflies, and you had real manners. You told me about your life; about how much you hated England, how grey it always was and how much you loved being over here. You told me about your little brother and how much your parents hated his girlfriend. You told me about your mom and dad and what they did for a living. You told me about being yelled at every time you wore a cap while at the dinner table. You told me about my own city, you knew more about this beautiful place than I had known, I felt like the tourist. I had so much fun with you, I laughed and i blushed and I felt so important to you. I learned that you say cheers instead of thanks, that when you say the word ranch it actually sounds like radish, that you eat mayo with your fries, that your choice of drink at Starbucks is a breakfast tea. I was just genuinely captivated by everything you were.
I never saw you after that. You moved to California, clear across the country from me. We kept in touch for a bit, but eventually your contact became less and less until you faded away. I can only assume by now you have met another girl to captivate for the day. But thank you. Thank you for that one day. Thank you for holding doors open for me, thank you for paying for lunch, thank you for making me happy even for a moment.
I always wonder why life sends you these people who steal your heart in an instant, only to let them disappear shortly after. I always wonder what these fleeting people in life are supposed to mean to you. I wonder how it's possible to meet someone and feel so at home with them when you can't even name their favorite color. I don't quite know the answer, but I do know this: at a time when I was completely broken, you showed me what it was to feel again and for that I will never forget you. You have forever captivated me in one day in a way that it would take some, years to do. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and you'll never know which someone is bound to be and even more, you don't have a choice in deciding. You were a reason, but god, how I would have loved to spend a lifetime with you.
I met you while I worked at a bar over the summer. I spotted you immediately before you could even get close enough to order a Jameson and ginger. And once you opened your mouth and a thick English accent poured out, I knew I was in trouble. I've always had a soft spot for English boys and you stood out like a sore thumb amongst the typical, classless frat boys that take over about 90% of Philadelphia. You were tall and your smile was perfect. You had better style than any man I've ever seen. Before the night was over, I made sure I had the chance to slip you my number, even though I basically knew what your plan was. I could tell that accent probably seduced way more girls than just me. You stood out and you knew it.
I met you at a strange time in my life. I was still talking to an ex boyfriend who had completely and utterly destroyed my heart and I was trying to win him back and move on from him, all at the same time. My heart was a mess but you never found that out about me and maybe that's why you meant so much to me, because in you, I found a girl who was completely new. However, I knew my baggage didn't matter because you had already explained in a week you would be on your way, moving to a different part of the country for your job. Right then, right in that moment- I knew that I could fall so dangerously hard for you, but I also knew that it was impossible- that you were basically just a figment of my imagination from here on out, and that for once in my life, I could be a girl whom both you and I had never met. You made me smile so big, you gave me butterflies, and you had real manners. You told me about your life; about how much you hated England, how grey it always was and how much you loved being over here. You told me about your little brother and how much your parents hated his girlfriend. You told me about your mom and dad and what they did for a living. You told me about being yelled at every time you wore a cap while at the dinner table. You told me about my own city, you knew more about this beautiful place than I had known, I felt like the tourist. I had so much fun with you, I laughed and i blushed and I felt so important to you. I learned that you say cheers instead of thanks, that when you say the word ranch it actually sounds like radish, that you eat mayo with your fries, that your choice of drink at Starbucks is a breakfast tea. I was just genuinely captivated by everything you were.
I never saw you after that. You moved to California, clear across the country from me. We kept in touch for a bit, but eventually your contact became less and less until you faded away. I can only assume by now you have met another girl to captivate for the day. But thank you. Thank you for that one day. Thank you for holding doors open for me, thank you for paying for lunch, thank you for making me happy even for a moment.
I always wonder why life sends you these people who steal your heart in an instant, only to let them disappear shortly after. I always wonder what these fleeting people in life are supposed to mean to you. I wonder how it's possible to meet someone and feel so at home with them when you can't even name their favorite color. I don't quite know the answer, but I do know this: at a time when I was completely broken, you showed me what it was to feel again and for that I will never forget you. You have forever captivated me in one day in a way that it would take some, years to do. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and you'll never know which someone is bound to be and even more, you don't have a choice in deciding. You were a reason, but god, how I would have loved to spend a lifetime with you.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
goodbye my special one
Photo via: aN ACciDenT
We were friends since we were small, little did we know this thing called love, as we grew older our curiosity for it became fonder. So the both of us decided to give it a try even though we weren’t truly that attracted to each other, I thought to myself, what a good way to experience first love with a boy I knew so much of, its his first anyway, so it’ll be good to experience everything for the first time together with him.
Little do I know how this short-term relationship would have affected me so much. I could still remember our first speechless date, our first awkward kiss in the movie theater, which we both didn’t pay much attention to the movie. I could remember our first fight when you were jealous of me spending so much time with my male best friend. I acted super angry, however deep down inside I was actually happy that you were jealous. You were my first every thing, I didn’t know anything before you.
During those 4 months, things escalated pretty quickly, we spent almost every day with each other. During the times that we didn’t meet, we would spent all our days talking, messaging or skyping with each other. We were never bored of each other, just interested in each other’s life. My feelings for him became stronger and stronger day by day. Soon enough, I discovered that I was extremely infatuated by him. We would cuddle every time we had the chance to. However, something horrible happened during the fourth month in which only both of us could really understand the situation. We decided to end things a few weeks after that due to our uncertain future. I thought to myself, the longer I try to hold on to this relationship, the harder it’ll be for both of us to move on in the future.
After the breakup, I became extremely angry at you, never wanting to talk to you, reply your texts and pick up your call, as it seems to me that you were fine, you make it seem as if our relationship was a joke, you seem to move on so easily. That is the main reason why I was completely furious at you, I thought it was unfair that you started moving on just after days of the initial break up, I didn’t want you to love anybody else but me, selfish isn’t it?
Well, all I want to say is that we were the right love but at the extremely wrong time, if only we got together later in our life, we would have lasted for a way longer time. You purposely and continuously flaunt your new escapades, girls and lovers after the break up, being a totally different person. I was never truly a fond of that, thus the reason behind deleting all our source of contact. Almost one and a half year after our break up, I finally have the gut to meet and talk to you again, I found out that yet again you have a new lover, she’s the third serious girl you’ve been with after me; she’s prettier, sweeter, skinnier and may even be nicer than me. And after that moment do I realize that I have to let you go for real, as she would make you as happy as you deserve to be.
I really hope that you don’t have to come across this passage in the future, these are my deepest and darkest inner most thoughts. It took me almost two years to finally be able to write this down and fully tell my part of the story. I wish you all the best in your life my first love. I hope we could meet again someday, just the two of us, in a coffee shop in a far away city. As of right now, goodbye my special one.
Little do I know how this short-term relationship would have affected me so much. I could still remember our first speechless date, our first awkward kiss in the movie theater, which we both didn’t pay much attention to the movie. I could remember our first fight when you were jealous of me spending so much time with my male best friend. I acted super angry, however deep down inside I was actually happy that you were jealous. You were my first every thing, I didn’t know anything before you.
During those 4 months, things escalated pretty quickly, we spent almost every day with each other. During the times that we didn’t meet, we would spent all our days talking, messaging or skyping with each other. We were never bored of each other, just interested in each other’s life. My feelings for him became stronger and stronger day by day. Soon enough, I discovered that I was extremely infatuated by him. We would cuddle every time we had the chance to. However, something horrible happened during the fourth month in which only both of us could really understand the situation. We decided to end things a few weeks after that due to our uncertain future. I thought to myself, the longer I try to hold on to this relationship, the harder it’ll be for both of us to move on in the future.
After the breakup, I became extremely angry at you, never wanting to talk to you, reply your texts and pick up your call, as it seems to me that you were fine, you make it seem as if our relationship was a joke, you seem to move on so easily. That is the main reason why I was completely furious at you, I thought it was unfair that you started moving on just after days of the initial break up, I didn’t want you to love anybody else but me, selfish isn’t it?
Well, all I want to say is that we were the right love but at the extremely wrong time, if only we got together later in our life, we would have lasted for a way longer time. You purposely and continuously flaunt your new escapades, girls and lovers after the break up, being a totally different person. I was never truly a fond of that, thus the reason behind deleting all our source of contact. Almost one and a half year after our break up, I finally have the gut to meet and talk to you again, I found out that yet again you have a new lover, she’s the third serious girl you’ve been with after me; she’s prettier, sweeter, skinnier and may even be nicer than me. And after that moment do I realize that I have to let you go for real, as she would make you as happy as you deserve to be.
I really hope that you don’t have to come across this passage in the future, these are my deepest and darkest inner most thoughts. It took me almost two years to finally be able to write this down and fully tell my part of the story. I wish you all the best in your life my first love. I hope we could meet again someday, just the two of us, in a coffee shop in a far away city. As of right now, goodbye my special one.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
what would be enough?
Photo via: weepy hollow
”What would be enough?”
“How do you mean?”
“Since no one can have it all, what would be enough for you?”
“For me?... I would want to be able to call the whole world my home. I don't ever want to have to settle down in one and the same place. I want to discover the world and I want the world to discover me. I want to be in no need of luxuries. I want to live simple. I want to own as few things as possible. I want to be rich in other things than money. I want to be healthy. I want to work my way trough the world and never have to stay in the same place longer than I want to. I want to learn new things everyday. I want to have deep, meaningful, conversations with strangers. I want to teach important things to people that don't know them. I want to talk to children and try to understand their world. I want to help people all over the world, with whatever they need help with. I want to be amazed everyday. I want to do everything I'm scared of doing. I want to see everything worth seeing. I want to receive equal to what I give. I want my heart to be in everything I do. I want to laugh everyday. I want to be free to cry whenever needed. I want music to surround me all the time. I want to loose myself in breathtaking books that lets me escape the world for a while. I want to always move forward. I want no destination, I only want the journey. I want to be able to pause and enjoy everything I do. I want to love, a lot. And I want to put that love into someone else. And I want that love to mean something. I want it to be important. I want to fall in love with places. I want to fall in love with all the seas, meadows and mountains in the world. I want beautiful views. I want to live wild and crazy. I want to live on the edge. I want to live and not just survive. I want to feel that I'm alive. I want to live every second of my life. I want to be forever young and I want to grow old and wise. I want to be surrounded by people and I want to have my alone time. I don't ever want to feel lonely. I want to be strong enough to be on my own. I don't want to have my heart broken and I don't want to break anyone else's. I want people to remember me and I want them to miss me. I don't ever want to have to leave people behind, If I do, I always want to come back. I want it to be bright and light. I want no darkness. I want moments that takes my breath away and makes my heart stop. I want to be awesome. I want to feel good. I want to love myself. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to fail and I want to succeed. And I want to learn from it, from everything. I want to be someone's first choice. I want to change at least one life. I want my time on earth to mean something. I don't want to be afraid to feel. I want to feel excited everyday. I don't want to be afraid to hear the truth. I want the lies only when it's absolutely necessary. I don't ever want to loose myself along the way. I always want to be a hundred percent me. I want to believe in forever and I want to prove that I'm right. I want to someday touch the sky. I want to fly. I want to dream big. And I want to succeed. I want more hellos than goodbyes. I don't ever want to have to say farewell. I want to feel free. I want to live free. I want to be a good friend. I want to have good friends. I want people to be able to trust me. And I want to learn how to trust people back. I can take bad days, as long as it is a good life. I can take the rain, as long as there is sunshine. All I want, is for me not to be a bad person. I want moonlight, sunsets, sunrises, deep blue oceans, waterfalls, adrenaline, moped rides, empty freeways, high speed, the wind in my face, long walks, sand between my toes, a lot of good junk food, big cities, small villages, colors, happiness. Most of all I want to be happy and I want that feeling to feel like home. I want to do whatever I want, wherever I want, whenever I want to. And I want to do it for me. I want to live my life for no other than myself. Because that would be enough.”
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ps- Don't forget the Shopbop 'Friends + Family' sale ends today.
Use code 'INTHEFAMILY25' at checkout to get 25% off.
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Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
holy shit
Photo via: hopalila
Dearest Le Love,
I've been your silent reader for the past 2 years and some of the stories you posted touched my heart so poignantly, they just inspire me to tell you my own.
I read from a post in your blog "Have you ever just looked at someone and thought, holy shit I really love you"?
When I read that, it was like a vessel that took me back in time; back to November 2009 to be precise. It was the beginning of winter and I sat there talking with my new best friend from Canada. He just got a haircut; finally, after that hideous sheep-dog hair, he cut it short. I knew he's a lovely man, but my, he's a truly handsome and his eyes were sparkling (they were hidden beneath that 70s hair).
I forgot what we're talking about, but he was laughing. At that time, it hit me; holy shit. I am in love with this guy. The guy that I befriended with just 3 months ago. The awkward guy who wore short pants, plaid shirt and socks+runners combo. Who took my interest for having such a cool name for such a dorky guy like him. Who, weirdly, bond with me because I scold his fashion choices. And who had a thing for Taiwanese girl named Miyabi (and kept talking about her for months).
And I just kissed him. On the lips. Without saying anything. The poor guy has never been kissed. I kissed the guy not because he just cut his hair and now looks like Canadian version of Andrew Garfield, no. I kissed him because I'm falling in love with him. With a guy that I would probably will never see again after this exchange program ends. With the potential of ruining our friendship. With the potential of getting rejected.
Those things popped inside my head combine with the feeling of excitement, warmth and happiness resulted in tears streamed down my face while our lips intertwined together. He was confused, I can sense, but he didn't stop. He didn't reject me. And then I pulled my face from his, wipe the embarrassing tears off my face and said "Please forget this and tell Miyabi how you feel about her."
Next days and months, we ended up as friends with benefits with him knowing that I'm falling for him hard. Fast forward to August 2010, we had to go back to our countries. Indonesia for me, back to Saskatchewan for him. That's 8900.4 miles apart and almost 13 hours of time difference. I didn't know what will happen to me and him after Japan, but it was so painful to know that I might never see him again.
So we back to our lives. Finish university. Got a job. Got older. All while talking every single day about almost every single thing. Fast forward to October 2012, we met again for the first time after 2 years. It was beyond magical and I just wanted to live in that moment forever. I said I love you, he answered thank you. It was ok, because I love him anyway.
Fast forward to today, September 2013, I haven't seen him again since rendezvous in 2012. But last month he said I love you. After 4 years of being in "I don't know what the hell is this" kind of relationship. After years of LDR. Despite the brutal distance. It was nice to hear that word. I don't don't know what will happen to us. We are still young (I'm in my mid 20s and he's in early 30s) and have our own careers to focus on, but at least now we know that we love each other. The love which has been tested by distance and time. That's a big deal. That's the kind of thing that we should hold on to. Maybe this is our greatest, come-once-in-a-lifetime love? I don't know. I'd like it to be that way, but for now, I love him and he loves me.
I had that "holy shit I love you, Travis" almost 4 years ago, and I still feel that way today.
-D-
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ps- The Shopbop Friends + Family sale is on! Use code 'INTHEFAMILY25' at checkout to get 25% off. Check out my top ten picks under a hundred bucks here.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
safe and good
Photo via: M.Shehni
I have naturally shaky hands. They shake when I concentrate on picking something up or doing something that I'm not used to. It's called essential tremor. They shake worse when I'm nervous - that's why public speaking isn't really my thing.
When I first met him - you know the guy (Mr. Big, the one, the place for my heart) - my hands were shaking furiously. I hid them in my pockets and kept talking. During our entire conversation they shook and all I was thinking about was how rare that was for me. They usually don't shake from just talking to someone.
The first time we kissed I was glad my hands were preoccupied with touching him, because they were shaking intensely. But he didn't notice, because they were wrapped up in his hair and he was wrapped up in me.
The first time we had sex not only my hands but my entire body shook. He noticed this time, and looked at me in a way a boy has never looked at me before. He looked fascinated and like he could never get enough of me.
The only time my hands didn't shake was when I told him I loved him. I looked him straight in the eye and said it. And my hands didn't even flinch.
Even now, after dating for over 3 years, my hands still shake. When he kisses me, when he looks at me, when he smiles for me, when we sleep together, all the time. But they don't shake when I tell him I love him. It's like my body knows that love isn't really anything to shake for. It's safe and good.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
too late
Photo via: Marija Strajnic
Since day one, we clicked. It was you and me against everyone. You and me who got along better than anybody, you and me, always. Best friends. But when HE came along, everything changed. You started distancing yourself and would never come around if he was. But you were still ALWAYS here for me, always the one I could talk to about anything, and laugh for hours with. We always had something more, no matter who we both had around. Even if we never admitted it, we both felt it. But things between us grew stronger and stronger, until finally you broke and told me. We both thought we could stay the same, and the next time we were alone together, you tried to kiss me. Looked into my eyes and made the first move. But I was too wrapped up with him to even give you a chance, I was too afraid to let you in. Too afraid that I would fall for you, or that I would realize how much better you were for me than him. Everything changed that night. You never looked at me the same, and didn't talk to me for months. You told me I was an idiot for staying with him, and said you could give me everything that he could never give me. You said I deserved better, that I deserved you. You told me you couldn't be in my life if he was still in the picture. It killed you. I let our relationship slip through my fingers and only realized it when it was too late. I never care when people walk out of my life, I'm used to it. But with you it's different. Now you're killing me, you chose her, and continue to ignore me.. When all I want is you to look at me like that again. I would give anything to go back and fix that night. I would give anything to help you forget. All I want is my friend back. When everything's going wrong for me, I go to you.. But now I have nobody. Now I'm lost. I need you.
-M
Monday, October 7, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
leave the lesson
Photo via: Malinda Fisher
tonight i put you in a box. all proclamations of love, the notes, poems, tokens and promises. although you aren't dead, we are no longer alive. the fire that once burned bright in our hearts has been spent. the ashes taken away by the new wind. will the phoenix rise again?
i ask the universe to please take away all feelings but leave the lesson.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
the heart doesn’t forget
Photo via: Anastasia Glebova
Dear Bear,
You are my first love and how I've loved you so. Tall and fair, with long slender fingers and large palms that you would curl around my small hands. I would often look at my hands and think I only want to do good with these, a surgeon’s hands one day perhaps but if I am honest when I’ve looked at them over the past two years I see nothing but the things I have destroyed…the one thing I still love,
You.
I still haven’t figured out why I left after nearly seven years of love and friendship, and I think about it everyday.
I think about you everyday.
I miss the small things like laying on the floor of your parent’s lounge cackling as you would tickle me to keep the uncontrollable laughter going. I miss your silly wave and that face you make, especially the time you made it in the yoga class I dragged you too. You looked so out of place…all muscle and limbs then while in a side plank position threading one arm under the other I turn to see you do that silly wave and pull a face so I laughed. The instructor saw it and laughed, all three of us looking like goofs. It was a perfect silly moment, and it was a moment I took for granted.
I took you for granted.
I’m not writing this letter with any intention other than to say what I wanted to say all summer but pride and fear just wouldn’t allow it.
I still want you; I will probably always want you.
I think you are the bee’s knees, the honey on my peanut butter vogels, and the smile that warms my heart whenever I think of one of the many silly moments we had.
I still think about the slightly asymmetrical space on your left chest where I thought my babies would lie and while that reality became a distant memory in the wake of all my hurt, anger and general self-destructive behaviour I have never stopped loving you. I know in the last year we were together there weren’t many silly moments as I worked too hard, and worried too much about getting into med school but please know that even then you were still the one for me. I have started to accept that I lost sight of what was important, that I forgot in order to love another we must first love ourselves and I forgot the promise I made to you in my love letter all those years ago.
To love you with all my heart forever and always…
The thing is the heart doesn’t forget, it’s not clouded by ambitions or fear it just feels and this is what mine feels.
So there you are,
You have my love forever and always. Regardless of the oceans that now divide us, I will always care for you. Be safe.
Love Mononky
(And yes I’m a donkey… a real rear-end it would seem)
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
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