Tuesday, November 19, 2013

what if... i'm wasting my time with the wrong guy?

Photo via: hopalila

This story began about four years ago. One night I got a text message from this one boy. Just asking me what I was doing. Nothing special. The boy used to date one of my close friends at that time, but they didn't anymore. I had never thought of the boy in that way before, he was just another face in my school. In fact, I was secretly in love with another boy at the time (although I knew that love story would never be true). But I texted him back and so it started. I got my first and so far only boyfriend.

After a while we fell in love, one of us faster than the other. The years went by; he became my best (and perhaps only) friend. Most of my other relationships ran out in the sand. But I was happy with him. I loved him.

I really don't know where it all went wrong. Maybe it was wrong all the way from the beginning (I was still in love with another boy when we first started seeing each other). Maybe it wasn't. I don't know. But I do know one thing: This is not right. Not for me anyways..

The worst part is that he seems perfectly fine with our relationship. He's happy. Most of the time I'm not. Right now I only see him on weekends and I know that's supposed to be a bad thing, but in fact I'm a bit relieved. I don't miss him when he's away. I know I should but I don't. When he calls me and tells me how much he loves me and misses me I automatically repeat: "Love you too. Miss you too". What else is there to say?

I've even cheated on him. Not only once. It has happened at least three times. In my defense I was very drunk. And it was only kissing. (Although that's not an excuse.) I haven't told him and I don't have the heart to tell him. I know how sad and disappointed he would be. But I felt more free being with these random guys than being with him. I felt more like myself. After one of these nights I spent with another guy he was at home waiting for me; worried about me and angry with me for not answering my phone.

He's supposed to move in with me in a few weeks and I don't know if I can take that. He already spends the weekends at my place and that's (in my opinion) more than enough. But we've been together for four years now so I guess that's the natural thing to do. I just have this ache in my heart. What if? What if we're not meant to be together? What if my soul mate is out there and I'm wasting my time with the wrong guy?

Of course it's not all bad. We have a lot of fun when we're together. He's really the sweetest and kindest guy I've ever met. But something isn't right. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to stay with him either. And I know that we can't just be friends. That's not who we are.

I don't know how to tell him that I want to break up. I don't want to hurt him. Instead I'm hurting myself.

Last night I went out dancing and I ended up talking with this really nice guy. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him without giving it a second thought. He walked me home and we hugged goodnight. I'm not saying I want to be with him instead; my point is that it was nice just talking to another guy about random stuff. Whatever.

I feel like shit. I know I'm treating my boyfriend really bad without him even knowing it. I don't know what to do.
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