Wednesday, June 5, 2013

so now what?

ph: Marigeno

I have never been the type of person who dreamed. I was the one who took things too seriously. Did exactly what I was told and didn’t take risks. I was shy. I avoided things because I didn’t like confrontation. I was the type of person who people took advantage of. I always cared too much about people and often had my feelings hurt. I didn’t know the type of person I wanted to be. My best friend wanted me to go to a party with her for her boyfriend’s birthday. I didn’t want to go but I couldn’t tell her no. So I went. Not knowing anyone. Sat in the corner alone most of the night. And then I met you…You brought me over a drink and asked me my name. I lied and told you the name I wish I was mine. I don’t know why I did it. It just came out. You sat down and we started talking. We talked for 4 hours straight. I remember every single detail of that conversation. It was the a few weeks before Christmas. I had just celebrated my 9 year anniversary with my then boyfriend. You had just broken up with your girlfriend of 4 years. You asked me what I wanted out of life. The first time anyone asked what I thought. I told you I never dreamed about my future before. My boyfriend had never mentioned about us getting married. I told you that he had just renovated a house. You asked if we were moving in together. I replied no he never asked me and that I was still living a home. We never talked about it. Which was true in the 9 years we were together we never talked about our future. We never celebrated a holiday together or took trips together. You said that our relationship sounded weird. And I guess looking back at it; it was odd. I couldn’t remember the last time we said I love you. Anyway you offered to drive my friend and I home.

A few days later you messaged me on facebook and we ended up talking all night long. I had just found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me with my best friend for over a year. We had officially broken up. You offered to come over and hang out with me that weekend. I agreed. You showed up at my mom’s place with Chinese food and flowers for my mom. I thought it was sweet. You told her she was gorgeous even though she had no hair from chemo treatments and looked extremely tired. That was the moment I fell for you. We spent every day together for a three months when you out of the blue said you were falling for me. I had never had so much fun with someone. You were quickly becoming my new best friend. I knew I was in love. We talked about our wedding day, names for our kids and our life together. I had never been so happy. I had never talked like this with anyone. I was constantly smiling. And your friends and family loved us being together. 6 months into our relationship. You asked my mom and sister if you could marry me. You even contacted my dad who was working in Russia for his blessing. Even though he isn’t a big part of my life. I didn’t know any of this. I remember the day you proposed, June 25th 2010. We were waiting for my mom to come home from her stay at the hospital. We were watching tv and you turned to me and said I don’t think I want you to be my girl anymore. I instantly started crying. I remembered the next words out of your mouth were “No honey. I want to start calling you my wife.” You placed the most beautiful ring on my finger. Exactly the one I described to you was my dream ring. The moment was perfect. You were perfect. Everyone was excited for us. I had everything I never knew I wanted.

Two weeks later we received a phone call saying your friend who we were both close too tried to commit suicide. You wanted to go see him and that’s when everything changed. You offered to buy him a few things at the gift store leaving him and I alone together. He started crying about how no one cares or loves him. I said that’s not true. Many people do. He said who? I said I love you. I was thinking about you when I said those words. He was someone who you grew up with. You considered him a brother so I got close to him too. I didn’t want him thinking that he had no one in the world who cared about him. That he had us. You came back and we left together. We went out to dinner and danced under the stars. It was magical. The next day you received a text from your friend’s sister telling you I said I was in love with him and not you. You freaked. You stormed into my house and you yelled at me. You called me a liar. That you couldn’t believe I could do this to you. In fact I did nothing. I kept telling you it was a misunderstanding. I was trying to get you to calm down and listen to me but you were interested. You told me we were over and you left me. I tried contacting you but you blocked me on facebook and changed your number. I even heard you took a new job and moved away. You didn’t want to be in the same city as me. I was crushed. My heart was broken. A few weeks later my mom died from bone cancer. You knew how much she meant to me. How much she loved you. I know your mother told you she passed away. I didn’t hear from you. For three years I didn’t hear from you.

May 25, 2013…I was hanging out with your friend. The one who broke us up. He handed me your email address. I sent you a message asking if you remembered me. You replied back quickly and said you did and that you heard that him and me dated for awhile. I wrote back we dated two years after we broke up and only for a few months. We hadn’t been together for a year. You wrote back that it was a lot longer than what you and I had together. We started fighting through email. Eventually settling down enough to ask about our lives. You asked if I was married, dating or still seeing him. I said nope, nope and nope. You mentioned that you have a girlfriend. Been together for over a year now. I said good I was happy for you. Sunday we sent 36 messages back in forth. Monday we sent 53. Tuesday we sent 68. Yesterday we sent 175. You told me she was getting upset that you were talking to me. I said do you want to talk to me? You said she doesn’t like it. You asked me if I ever thought about you. I said I did. You said you still think about me all the time. You remembered everything and that you miss the sound of my voice. I asked if you still had feelings for me? You wrote back “I love her” I said then you made your choice. You screamed at me saying “I never really had a choice. I wasn’t in your life” I would ask you something and then you would mention her not liking us talking. I found out you moved to Norway. I’m still live in Canada. Its not like I can come between you.

Which brings me to today. Right now May 30, 2013. I cried all night. I haven’t slept much since we started talking again. I kept remembering things. You were the “what if guy” I was constantly wondering about you. If you thought of me. I asked if you ever tried to contact me and you told me you didn’t have a way. Your friend refused to give you my information. You blamed him. I don’t know what to do. You asked me last night if I wanted to be with you again. I said always. You are the one who has my heart. You just sent me a smile back as a response. I asked you if you wanted me and you said don’t. I'm not single. That she was getting really mad at you. She never gets mad at you so this is serious. She needed to figure out her future Hers. Not yours with her. I asked you if you wanted a future with her. Who never said yes or no. YOU SAID “GUESS SO” I wrote back then stop asking me how I feel. What I want if you cant give it to me. All you said was “you don’t get how hard this is for me” I guess I don’t. You never really said anything. You kept asking me what I felt. I told you your choice was already made. You said there was never a choice. Which makes me believe that I was never an option for you or you don’t want to leave her and be with me again. I never asked you to leave her. I told you from the first email I wasn’t expecting anything from you. Just wanted to talk. Possibly establish a friendship.

I often wondered about you. For three years I had these conversations with you in my head. How we would react if we were given another chance together. If anything would change. You wrote me saying you didn’t want to talk today. I guess I have my answer. Nothing would change... I considered you the love of my life. Now I guess you are the one who got away… If you want her why are you replying so much to me. Spending hours talking to me again? Asking me if I still love him…she is there with you but you keep telling me you are thinking of me… so now what? I don’t think I can let you go again…but I don’t want you leaving me in limbo if there is no chance for us. You never told me about your relationship with her… I didn’t ask because I don’t want to know. So I guess I need advice from strangers do I continue writing him? Or see if he contacts me?
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