Thursday, March 14, 2013

somehow change

ph: Michela Heim

And then there was him.

The incredibly smart and rational guy who knew what he wanted and was a realist. I met him in my office. I worked part time and combined the job with my daily studies. And it all started right there. He was an unbeautiful law student and wore a suit and a tie to class, always well shaved. But I felt I was drowning in his incredible live blue eyes full of light - from the very moment I met him. He practiced tap dance. And he tickled my intellect. Extremely logical and well read, he was a great person to talk to, a great mind. What we had in common was ambition. What we didn't - was 'attitude'. He was a very much 'here and now' kind of guy. And me, I'm always the 'if only' and 'when' kind of gal. And I always dreamed of seeing the world.

Together we roamed the streets of my then favourite city and talked for hours and hours. About life... and love... and faith... and things.. and about future - his - in this city - his city, and mine - outside the country. We were in love. And we knew it was not going to work, but we preferred to be lying to ourselves instead. We had time. We were not in a hurry.

I remember him once telling me how he imagined his perfect girl - she would be a tall redhead with a tiny bit of a hunch - like tall people have - and with short hair revealing her neck. This was his game.. The description was partially me, but for the part where it wasn't - the key was I needed to change for him. And I wouldn't. And so it was a fair game. Because neither would he change for me. As for me - I could never describe my perfect guy to him when he asked. I never had the image of a perfect guy in my head. (I'm always falling for the non-perfect ones, which result perfect in the end.)

One brisk sunny evening we were walking by the lake in the park after work. And then he took a leap. He asked me if I would ever marry him.

I think everything mixed up in my head when I heard it. Because I knew he meant it. And I came to a standstill with my heart heavily pounding somewhere in my knees. ' - I don't know...' was the only answer I managed to squeeze out of myself. And it was an honest one, because I was startled to the core with what he was asking. No one ever said this to me before. And then he said he was happy.... He was happy it wasn't a 'No'.

And now I realize that he was waiting, now I can see it. He was smart and understood it wasn't about talking me into it or convincing me in any way. He wanted me to want him first. The way he was. The way he wanted his life to be. I wish everyone did it like he did. Because normally it is against the human nature - so many of us hope it will be alright and the other person would somehow change in the end. Which doesn't happen. Consciously, I didn't know it then, but deep inside I already knew this wasn't IT for me, that there was so much more to life. I knew it was only the beginning. And so it was.

This is how it all came to an end. We never officially ended it (we never officially started it either). Our last night together was a requiem for a dream. I was melting in his arms - a bittersweet caress with no goodbye, which we knew would be our last one. And he is still in my heart, with all the dearest memories. We were still in for touch after I left abroad that year. 2 years later he told me he married a redhead.
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