Thursday, March 7, 2013

i’m stepping back

ph: suninsovjet

I never thought it would have to come to this. I truly, honestly hoped that things would work out the way they were supposed to before I’d ever have to feel this way. And it’s killing me to think that maybe this is how it’s supposed to work out- with us apart.

I never even thought I’d meet you. Thought I’d always know who you were and admire you from afar but never actually be introduced, especially considering you had a girlfriend. Even after the first time we were introduced, I never thought I’d hang out with you, or even get to know you in the slightest. The thought honestly never even crossed my mind. But the first time I actually talked to you, you took me by surprise. You weren’t the asshole, cocky guy I had imagined you’d be. I strangely felt so comfortable around you. I’d known you for less than 24 hours, but I trusted you. You intrigued me. I wanted to know more about you. Wanted to figure you out.

It all happened so fast, I don’t even know what came first, or what followed, or how one thing lead to another- but before I knew it, we went from hanging out once a week, to twice a week, to every day. I’m sure people thought it was strange, were confused by it, didn’t know where it came from- and to be honest I kind of felt the same way. But I liked it. Wanted it. Craved it. Didn’t want it to end.

Then we hooked up. I thought that would be the turning point, where we’d cross the line and go forth down that path, and everything would be perfect and fine. Because why wouldn’t it be? I loved everything about you, you loved everything about me, and what did we have to lose?

I soon learned that apparently wasn’t our lives’ plans. You instead shrugged it off. I think you didn’t know what to think or what to do. I’d like to think that you were scared- scared because you’d actually found a girl who you truly liked, cared about, and felt something with. And that terrified you. I’d come to later find out that you were burned badly by your ex-girlfriend, leaving you scarred, broken, and unable to trust. Unable to allow people in. But even after this- you let me in. Farther in than you’ve ever let anyone in before. We had a six hour conversation one day about how you wanted a girlfriend, you were over the college hookup scene and just wanted a girl that possessed this given list of qualities you had. I fit every single one. You asked me where I could find a girl like that. I wanted to tell you that you were talking to her, she was standing right in front of you. But I was too scared, and I didn’t say anything.

Summer came and the drama, stereotypes, stresses, and expectations of college and college life all went away. We had so many moments and so many nights that I know meant something more to both of us. You said we were just friends, but I think you’d have a hard time denying that you didn’t feel it, too. I could tell by the way you talked to me, the way you looked at me, and again how you just let me get so close. We fought. We cried. But we always ended up back in each other’s arms.

You still hate to admit it, but you said, “I love you.”

Then I found out you were hanging out with her again. It could’ve been innocent, it could’ve been meaningless, but then again nothing is with her. I was crushed. I felt numb. I told you I couldn’t do it, I refused to be the stand-in girlfriend. I wanted more. It was me or her. You didn’t choose me. I didn’t stop crying for a week straight.

The fight lasted for less than 2 weeks before I caved. Losing you was like losing a huge part of myself. I didn’t know how to function without you. Didn’t know how to not have you in my life. So I took you back. I compromised. I sacrificed my heart and my feelings because I just wanted to still be with you in any way that I could.

School started again. It was a rocky semester, lots of ups and downs, me desperately trying to look the other way when I’d see you talk to other girls or hear that you went on a date with someone. Desperately trying to convince myself that everything I did was getting me closer to where I wanted to be- which was with you. I met your whole family- your mom, your dad, your little sister and little brother, and even your grandma. You’ve never let any girl besides your ex-girlfriend come over to your house before, but you let me come over. I came over three or four times. You told me how much your parents loved me, how I was the favorite out of all the girls you’ve ever introduced to them. How your sister looked up to me like I was the older sister she never had. Maybe I got too comfortable? Maybe I got too used to playing the “best friend” role to the point where I actually became it? But I never wanted this. All I wanted was you. All of you, all to myself, fully in love just like we should have been.

Then the day came. The day I received the most heartbreaking, body-numbing news- you were seeing someone else. I cried to you. Begged you for an explanation. What was I missing? What did I NOT give to you? What could I POSSIBLY do to make myself any more perfect for you? How do you not see this relationship the same way as I do? I told you you were full of shit. Told you you were cheating yourself. I was helpless and hurt. You held me as I cried. Then you let me walk away.

How did we get here?

We tried to be friends again but I couldn’t do it. I can’t sit back and be okay with you being with her when I want you to be with me. I can sit and wait and wish and hope that we’ll be together some day, but it just hurts me even more. I just want to shake you and make you realize that we should be together, but I can’t. You’re the only one that can realize it. You’re the only one that can make the change. So as much as it aches me, breaks me, kills me to do this, I’m stepping back. I miss you every single day and don’t ever go to sleep at night without thinking about you. It takes every ounce of energy and every piece of strength in me not to cave and give in to you, but I know this is what I have to do. So I’m doing this for myself, taking myself away from you until hopefully it clicks for you. If nothing else, you were an amazing friend and I learned so much from you about relationships, love, and life.

I hope you’re happy where you are, and even though I hate to admit it- I’m waiting for you. I will always love you. And when you’re ready to love me back, just let me know. I’ll be here.
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