Monday, March 26, 2012

not knowing

via weheartit,
ph: weheartit

Well first of all, I just want to say that I really like you even though I dont know you that well. I hate how I have to scrutinize every single detail on your facebook just to get the teeniest amount of assumptions and false hopes about you. I hate how I can spend hours on your page reviewing over the same comments that you have written, or listening to every music video that you post and reading over the history of every single artists that you claim to "like" on facebook just to squeeze the last ounce of virtual information that I can get out of you. I hate how I've scrolled down to the first ever post that you made on facebook, circa 2007. I hate how every time I'm on facebook, my fingers automatically start typing the first letter of your name. It's kind of creepy that facebook saves and remembers the names that you input into your search engine, and I hate how the first name that pops up out of all the the people i know whose names start with an E, is yours. I hate how when I see that you posted something 8 minutes ago, I quickly check my chat and see if you're on because I embarrassingly hope that one day you'll strike up a conversation despite the fact that I know you never will. I hate how it was the hardest thing for me to "like" one of your statuses because I was afraid that you would "read" my like the wrong way or interpret it in ways that I wouldn't want you to... ITS A FUCKING LIKE .. WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I hate knowing everything about, even your past. I know so much about you I feel like such a fucking creep. I've been on your dad's facebook. yeah, I went there. And I found pictures of you when you were pre-pubescent. You're cute. I hate how facebook is the only thing that I can judge you on, it is really fucking pathetic. I hate thinking about you and dreaming what life would be like if you knew everything about me, or if we could have one deep, meaningful conversation together- not those 3 second "hey, whats up" at the libraries, or the same exact conversations that always end up with the our intended majors and the ratings of our current classes and professors that we are taking. I hate knowing that you are probably not thinking of me or probably having a blast at one of the shows that you are "attending" according to facebook. I hate how I picture myself with you but have this shameful implication that you are too cool for me based on the people you hang out with or the music you listen to. I mostly hate that I dont know you, I dont know you at all and my mind is flowing with these false hopes, stupid assumptions, and ridiculous imaginations about your life. But I will always remember our first encounter at the train, I know that you smiled and were nice enough to wave back. And the next day, when I introduced myself, you seemed like an interesting, genuine boy. And then the other few times at the library when I saw you and we had a short talk only because I did not want to be rude having my friend wait for me right when my knees started getting weak, as I drowned in your baby blue eyes. But I will NEVER EVER forget the time I lost track of time and missed half my class because we talked about random shit, shit that doesnt even matter, and I enjoyed every minute of it, and honestly I know you did too. I found out that you had family in LA, where I live, that you dont drive, like me, that you tested out of a required freshman English class because you're so god damn smart. However, the moment you said my name while attempting to tease me with a rhetorical question, my heart literally skipped 5 beats, and I tried my hardest to keep myself from smiling. Sometimes I just wonder if you ever feel the same. If I ever cross your mind, just even for a second. I hate not knowing, but I guess that's what makes this feeling so intriguing. Maybe if I or you had the actual balls to do something about anything, we can be something. But, maybe this is just me again getting lost in my pathetic thoughts. What if you're not even half the person I thought you are, or if all this gathered info from your facebook is not an accurate description of who you actually are. Whatever, I will leave it to the talks that we've had, the looks that we've given each other, and the sincerity in our conversations. I guess ignorance really is bliss, and I will just have to find out for myself.
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