Monday, February 13, 2012

just bear with me

these arms
ph: Everything's magic)


hey love,
I'm writing this because I need to and it just helps me deal with things better. Today was awful, I almost lost the thing I love most in my life and it hurt so bad. I love you more than anything, I would take a bullet for you, I would change parts of me for you, I would do whatever it takes to make you happy. I've never felt this way for anyone...I mean it, normally i'm not the one trying to give reasons to not give up on my relationships. I easily accept when it's not going to work and I walk away with my dignity, but with you, I can't. I can't walk away and I can't pretend I don't care as much as I do and I can't just say "screw you" and let you leave, that would only be hurting myself more by pretending I don't need you in my life or i'm better off without you, because i'm not. I was meant to meet you at red& white, I was meant to be a bitch and make you work for it, we were meant to have every single quality on each other's check list and we were meant to be together. Every couple has their problems, none are perfect and at some point or another you hit rock bottom & your relationship is really tested. This is just another test, it can't get any worse from here. I know I want to be with you & nothing can change my mind, not even you saying you don't want to be with me like you did today, because I hope in my heart that wasn't true. I know I can be selfish sometimes, or moody, or too demanding of your time but please just bear with me, I don't mean to be, i'm still finding myself and learning things about myself I didn't even know. I've learned that I am jealous of other girls with you, not because I don't trust you , but because the thought of anyone making you happy that isn't me is just unbearable, i've learned i'm more demanding of time with you lately because i'm not confident enough right now in our relationship, I have this fear of losing you or you breaking up with me that I try to spend as much time with you as possible, to show you that I can be everything you need, make you happy and prove myself to you. I just want you to want me, I want you to be scared of losing me, I want someone for once in my life to be afraid to lose me. I don't want to feel disposable to people. I believe we are perfect for each other, we have our issues but like I said today, we see what no one else does when it's just the two of us. we're magnetic, you can't deny our chemistry, we're both too stubborn too often & we fight for what we believe and love, and although these things cause problems they're also a huge reason why we fell in love with each other. WE are so alike and we when we love, we love hard. Don't give up on me, we're not supposed to have everything figured out right now, we're young. But if there's one thing I believe with all my heart it's when you find someone you love, you don't give up on them even when you have a million reasons to, because we have a bond only we understand. Our love may be difficult at times but there's not a day that goes by where I don't feel like this is worth it. No one can make me laugh like you do, you're the only one who knows how to make my bad days better with a simple kiss on the forehead. My heart races when you call me love and pick up the phone just to hear my voice. Our bodies fit perfectly when we cuddle and nothing in the world could make me believe that there is anything better than being with you. I feel so blessed to have met you and I know we've both hurt each other (unintentionally) but I don't think that's a reason to quit. Things are going to get better because at the end of the day when two people are crazy for each other, nothing in the world will bring them apart. You're my Noah & i'm your Allie, we're just like them, we challenge each other, act like an old married couple, bicker, and get upset but we have a lot more times where we're laughing, holding each other, kissing, making plans for the summer, peeing our pants watching girl with the dragon tattoo and you nudge my knee every time something happens in a movie, we mock each other, we shower together, we make love, we try to embarrass each other, we have 3am tim Hortons ice cap runs and we sleep holding each other the whole night. We've seen each other at our worst and our bests & that's a special connection we share because even at our worst, we still loved each other. If that's not meant to be then there's no hope for the rest of the couples out there. I am sorry that I've cut back some of your time for yourself, that was not my intention, all I ever wanted was to make you happy & when you say your not it kills me, it makes me feel like a failure. Just please throw your doubts out the window, I know it's scary, and I know life's unpredictable but it's like you said "we're not temporary". My feelings for you are still there, they never left and they're still stronger than ever, i've never fought for anyone as hard as I fought for you today & I will keep fighting for us, just please fight for us too, don't make me go it alone. I need you, I'm your biggest fan & supporter and i'm your best friend. This is my pledge to you: I will always have your back when life gets tough, or you have doubts or you feel down because something happened. I will attend every soccer game you allow me at and be the proud girlfriend I was last week & your own personal cheerleader, I will help motivate you with school when assignments and exams are kicking our asses, I will make long summers apart full of working worth it when we have amazing beach days & lots of sex in a car, I will bake you cookies when you want and kiss you always until my lips are numb, I will be easier on you when things upset me & try to let the little things slide because in the end, they're just not worth it to me, I will be your best friend and someone you can share everything with, I will be the best secret keeper when you want to tell me things no one else even knows, I will be at birthdays, family gatherings (if invited), I will embrace any opportunities you have and be by your side when we both discover who we are in life and our biggest goals & passions, I will always encourage you to follow your dreams and believe in you and I will always be behind you in all your decisions. I will show you that love isn't always easy but it's worth it when you have a love like ours, and lastly I will be a complete goof ball with you and total sass, I will tickle you when you act grumpy, I will wrestle with you and pretend i'm so tough when really you basically let me win. I will play video games with you until we feel light headed & I will take care of you when your sick & dramatic and I will make the happiest memories I can with you. I have such high hopes for us baby, I didn't think I would when I first met you but I adore your family your friends your life and you. I know the futures a scary thing and it's never a sure one , it always changes but my hopes are that we get back on track, love each other more with each day that passes, never let each other go again and ideally end up together because waking up to you everyday would be an honour, just being your girlfriend is a privilege and never taken for granted. I can't quite put my finger on when things started getting bad with us but all I know is what's happened is in the past and it's time to let go of the grudges, the hurt, the mistakes we've both made and start a clean slate together. there are only 2 times I want to be with you, now and forever.
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