Wednesday, February 15, 2012

isn't what i expected

ph: parmalate

The only thing I've ever wished is to be happy. That's been my prayer. I figure it's the one thing you can't wish you hadn't wished later on, there is no consequence to asking God for it like asking for a specific job or in my case, a specific person. I thought I wanted to be with someone, wanted nothing more than for them to turn around and see me. But I didn't wish for them, never asked God for them even though I wanted to. I bargained, said that I knew I would be happy with them, blissfully so, but nothing was coming of it. No progression, no fulfilling of that fantasy.

And somewhere during this phase another boy snuck in, one who had been a friend for so long I had stopped noticing him. We helped a friend move in, then started watching downloaded TV shows together. Just friends, my favorite one of the group to cuddle with, but never thought he would be anything more. Until one night we got in a tickle fight, and that boundary got pushed farther.

So here I am writing that God, you were right- when I asked to be nothing more than totally and completely happy You didn't give me what I wanted. You gave me the boy of my dreams, my soulmate instead. The man that I laugh with, spend all my time with, who listens to the same music I do and will dance around the room with me. The guy who made cute animal noises back, even in front of friends. Who looked at my family, who I was, and didn't walk away. Who still looks at me when I'm not paying attention, opens his eyes when we're kissing to see my face. The one who tells digressive stories, will walk around for miles with me, whose voice on the phone at midnight is the most beautiful thing I can imagine. The one I can cook with, fall asleep with- never feel alone with. This beautiful person that I had never noticed, and yet had never failed to notice ever since I met him.

No, this relationship isn't what I expected, but it's what I got.
Thank God.

Dear you,
I love you like you'll never know.
Like 'love you' isn't enough to say it.
You are the answer to my prayers.
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