Friday, January 7, 2011

can't live with you/can't live without you


My only new year's resolution was to never say your name out loud in 2011. So instead, I just repeat it in my head, over and over, like it's the only three syllables i ever learned. Like it's the only three syllables that matter. You were a lot of firsts and a lot or risks. Our religions, and just about everything else, clashed. And of course, i deemed that deafening sound of conflict as love, because love is a decision. Our soundtrack that year was Manchester Orchestra, middle of the night milkshakes and Family Guy marathons. It was you pulling me back for that last kiss before we walked outside back into reality. It was us texting at all hours and me, falling harder and harder. it was kissing you until it felt as natural and necessary as breathing. I became intoxicated with admiration.

When it turned ugly, it was you telling me we were too different. It was you who said "just because we've hung out a couple times doesn't mean anything." It meant we weren't in a relationship, no strings attached. It meant I would cry rivers, my small frame curled up alone on my bedroom floor at all hours when i saw pictures of you and your new girlfriend. It was her friends informing me that while you and I were pretending to be lovers, you two been in a real relationship. And i didn't even blame you, cheater. I resented her instead. Then we started talking again after you ended things with her, but only for a few months, because I kept doing that thing where I would get attached and you knew you were leaving. If I was brave, I would send you this and you might even read it. You might even feel something, a raindrop of sympathy for the tidal waves of loneliness and stupidity I feel. You left for graduate school and a year later, I still take walks at night and cry because I am convinced I will never have again feelings for someone like I had for you. Three years is a long time to hang onto someone that seemingly so easily moved on.

I know the feelings were mutual and it's one of those "can't live with you/can't live without you" things but you made the decision for me, didn't you? It's living without you and now i just repeat your full name in my head and take my blurry walks and ignore my broken heart. and most of all, i hope you're the happiest boy in the whole world. I love you to the sky and every inch from florida to connecitcut.
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