Tuesday, December 21, 2010

it was real.


You were my first man. There have been lots of boys, and I loved them in an immature first love kind of way. But you were the first real thing. When we first met at a party, the connection was instant, but you left for the summer and the timing wasn’t right. I thought about you while you were gone, and we kept in touch even though we had only met once. Then you came back, and everything fell into place. It was so easy. One date and that was it. No games. No guessing if you liked me, no decoding your text messages, because I knew. And you knew. We would stay in bed until 4 if neither of us had class, making love, laying, talking, laughing. You were so sweet, and I was so consumed with love and excitement and happiness. I remember telling my friends about you, I couldn’t even think about you without smiling. My parents could tell this was different. Once I overheard my dad telling my uncle that he knew this was real, and how happy he was to see me with someone who treated me the way a dad wants his daughter to be treated. You were always scared that he didn’t like you because you were older, but I think your maturity was part of what he liked about you.

The summer came again, and you had to go away for work. I went home with you before you left, and I remember when you dropped me off at the bus station how scared I was to be without you. I was crying and you were there to wipe the tears away. It was the worst bus ride, all I could do was think about not seeing you for four months. I’ve never missed anyone like I missed you. It really did feel like part of me was missing. I think it was harder for me than for you because you were out on the road, and I was at home living our life only without you there. I missed everything about you. The way you smelled. The way it felt to lie beside you. Your jokes. Your laugh. I felt like I couldn’t laugh without you there. We talked on the phone and on skype, and we tried to keep the intimacy alive even if it was through a computer. It was a long summer, and when it got close to you coming home I was counting down the days. I wasn’t even tempted by other guys, you were all I could think about. I remember the night you got back, and I got rid of my roommates and planned a romantic dinner, and right before you got there I found a mouse in my kitchen. I had planned to jump on you and kiss you the second you walked through the door, and instead you found me terrified and flustered. But it didn’t matter. As soon as you were there it was like you had never left. And we were happy. And a month or so passed, and we did all the things we used to do. And it was perfect.

And then one day I woke up and it wasn’t. I can’t remember when things started to come undone, I don’t think it was any single thing, just our whole world. It was so gradual that I didn’t even notice it happening, but all of a sudden it was there. Or I guess it wasn’t there. The butterflies were gone. I used to hate how you would never fight with me and just let me win instead because I wanted the passion of the anger. Then we fought once. And then again. And then all we did was argue. Over nothing. Over everything. I don’t remember when we stopped making love, but you noticed and it made you insecure. And then we fought about that and it made me insecure. It was like we were going through the motions, nothing really changed except me. I wanted to want you like I used to, but between school and work and life somewhere I lost us. One night we were watching tv and I realized there was almost a foot of space between us. We used to cuddle so much sometimes I couldn’t tell which arms were mine. We talked about it, and we said we would try to make things better, and for a little while we did, but nothing really changed. I think I knew the end was coming, but couldn’t admit it to myself, or to you. Especially not to you. I think you knew too. You said all you needed to be happy was me, but I was the one who was making you hurt. One night we fought for so long, and then I let go of everything and we made love. And it was real, and it was passionate, and it was us. And I thought maybe that would make things better. And then within ten minutes, we were somehow angry again. I think that is when I really knew. Christmas break came, and we hoped the space would give us time to think and to miss each other. We said we would come back in the new year and start fresh. But when I got home, I met someone else. I’d always known him, but never really looked. It was just a crush, not what we had, but it reminded me of all the excitement and butterflies that I wasn’t feeling anymore. It became so obvious that we were done that I could finally say it out loud. At first I only said it to my close friends, and then I realized I had to say it to you. I couldn’t wait till we were together because you were going to spend so much money to travel and see me and I knew I couldn’t ask you to do that. So I called. My stomach was in knots. I tried to plan what to say but as soon as I heard your voice I couldn’t remember. We made small talk, and then I just blurted it out. And once I said it, it was there. I don’t know what I thought you were going to say, but you didn’t say anything. The silence was the worst part. You said you had to go, and that was it. over a year and it was over in 20 seconds. You called me the next day and we said all the things we were too scared to say before. It hurt like hell. It still does. You told me I was giving up on us. I guess I did. But we weren’t really us anymore.

You said you were going to leave town, you only stayed because of me anyways. Hearing you say that made me feel so alone. And I was scared that I would regret this, and you would be gone and it would be too late. I guess I just have to live with that now.

I hope you know I tried. And that I loved you. I really, really loved you, with everything I had. I couldn’t have asked for a better first real love. Im sorry that you got hurt along the way. I hope you don’t think I threw everything away. I think we just outgrew each other. I know it’s going to kill me when you find someone else. Seeing you hold her hand. I used to ask you “what are you thinking about right now?” whenever we were laying in bed. I still wonder. I probably always will.

It was real.
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