Saturday, August 28, 2010

wondering if it is worth it.


I try so hard not to give up on love. I see it all around me and all of my close friends have felt it, except for me. I used to have hope that one day it would be my turn, after all I am only 18. But every time I am presented with the possibility of love I freeze, and completely screw it up. I push it away before it gets too intense, I convince myself that I'm only going to get hurt and what's the point? I wont end up marrying this person, or probably even dating them for that long so why risk hurting myself. This summer I finally decided to take a risk and talk to this guy that I met briefly at school. We immediately hit it off, and kept in close contact the two weeks I went away on vacation. I was so thrilled and excited and ready to take a risk and let myself get hurt because I thought this time would be worth it and maybe I wouldn't get hurt for awhile or maybe not at all. I came back from my trip and immediately went out with him.

It was the best date i'd ever been on, I felt comfortable with him and wasn't scared or nervous about what was going to happen. After the date I was flooded with so many emotions I had never felt before, I was nervous and excited in a good way and couldn't wait to see him again. However, after the date all contact between us was forced and it seemed like he was blowing me off. I was completely flabbergasted, how could he be blowing me off after we talked everyday for two weeks and had this incredible date? Am I young and naive in thinking it was more than it really was? I tried to keep in contact because I didn't want this one to get away, I had let him in unlike anyone else before and didn't want to let him go.

It's been a couple weeks, we have barely spoken and any communicating is contrived and strange. I have given up, if he doesn't want to speak to me why should I speak to him? Any courage that I gained from the beginning of this relationship I have lost completely. I can't help but think, how is this fair? I actually risked my feelings for this person and where was my reward? Finally I am the one who tried my hardest to make it work, and I end up the one alone. Any hope that I have left for love is almost gone. Friends keep telling me that one day I'll find someone. Some how I don't believe it. Not everyone falls in love, not everyone gets married, who is to say that it'll ever happen for me? I was once told that if I want it to happen for me it will. But how can it when I try so hard to make it happen and it still doesn't?

I'm trying to remain confident and hopeful because the idea of love is all that keeps me going, I'm holding onto the idea of love being bigger than anything in the whole world and that it will completely change my life. But at the same time the thought of it barely slipping out of my grasp hurts so badly. Love to me is like a double edged sword and I am constantly wondering if it is worth it.

- S
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