Monday, August 23, 2010

i don't know what's going to happen.


Yesterday morning when I woke up I was still pissed off. So I decided do stop by his house and give him a piece of my mind. I was going to yell, scream, hit him, make him feel like shit. I had it all planned out. I drove to his house and rang the doorbell. He opened the door with a surprised look on his face. "Hey...?" he said, and gave me a hug. Damn, I thought. Why'd he have to hug me? I couldn't hit him then. I couldn't yell or cry or be angry with him at all. He has such influence over me it's disturbing.

We stood on his porch and had a big talk. I can't remember everything exactly but I told him how horrible he made me feel sometimes. How I felt like he was trying to replace me and memories of me with his girlfriend. I want him to have new memories, but I want him to remember old ones, too. I know at one point I started crying and he hugged me close to him. Then he told me that I made him feel like shit, too. A while ago. I told him to tell me everything that I had done wrong and everything that he was mad at me for... So he got it all off his chest. Everything came out. He was on the verge of tears, too. After we got all our anger out, things got softer. We talked about how we liked each other, how he's scared to be with me because he doesn't want to get hurt again.

As we talked, I was kind of flirting with him on purpose, like playing with his jacket strings and zipper and tickling his neck. At one point I put my hand on his chest, right over his heart. It was pounding. I let out a small laugh.
"What?" He asked.
"Remember when I used to rest my head on your chest and listen to your heart?"
He smiled.
"Yeah, I remember. It was your favorite thing to do."
And so I did again. He moved his jacket and pulled my head to his chest. His heart beat even faster. I smiled into his shirt and turned my head so that I was breathing him in.
"Are you smelling me..?"
I smiled again.
"Yes. You smell good."
He laughed and asked what he smells like.
"Magic," I said.
I stepped away from him so that I could see his face.
"Do I have a smell?" I asked.
"What do I smell like?"
"Good. Really good."
I sniffed my hair, and he chuckled and said, grinning,
"No, not your hair..."
He pulled my hair all to one side so that the left side of my neck was bare.
"Right there.."
He leaned down and smelled my neck, then began kissing it. He kissed my neck, each kiss getting closer and closer to my face. He was about to reach my lips when I turned away,
"No. I'm not going to be that girl again. The girl that makes the guy cheat on his girlfriend. I hate that feeling."
He looked down and nodded. We continued talking about each other. How much we loved each other's eyes, stuff like that. We reminisced on the night of our first kiss. He remembered what I was wearing, what the date was, everything. I started playing with his ear, something I do that began that night and which I have done ever since. Eventually both my hands were worked up in his hair and his were pulling me closer to him. Our lips were an inch apart. He leaned in closer and I put two fingers on his mouth to stop him. He groaned.
In a whisper,
"Come on..."
We gazed into the eyes of the other and it overtook me. In that moment I no longer cared that He had a girlfriend; it wasn't real, their love. But our moment was. I let him lean in once more and his lips brushed mine gently. For some reason I turned to go to my car and leave.. I was scared and embarrassed but as I tried to walk away he took my hand and pulled me back to face him and kissed me again. It went on like that. I would tease him, making him want me even more than he already did, and rarely give it to him. After a few more kisses, goosebumps, and dizzying amounts of butterflies in my stomach, I really did have to go. He walked me to my car and I stood leaning against it, talking to him for at least ten more minutes. This time, it was his turn to tease me. I wrapped my arms around his neck in an attempt to pull his face towards mine but he was able to lean back and resist my desperate attempts.
"Please..?" I asked, with my best puppy dog face.
"On the cheek," He said, smiling.
So I gave him a kiss on the cheek. I got in the car, started it, and the song Sing To You, by Table For One, was playing. I rolled down the window and took his hand.
*Would you let me sing to you, dry your crying eyes for you? Let my words take you away to a better view. You don't have to say anything about yesterday. If you listen, I can take your pain away*
"This song is really cute," I told him. And so he listened while I held his hand and kissed his fingers. When the song ended, he told me he'd miss me. I tried to kiss him but he turned so that I kissed his cheek.
"One more?" I asked. He leaned in through the window to kiss me, then said goodbye. I drove home, smiling the whole way.

But that was yesterday. Now I'm just confused. He's with his girlfriend right now. Their families got together for dinner. He hasn't talked to me all day... I don't think he's going to tell his girlfriend about what happened... and I don't think he's going to break up with her. The situation sucks for all three of us.
His girlfriend: has been cheated on and doesn't know it. Her boyfriend likes and wants to be with me, his best friend. She doesn't know this either.
Him: likes and wants to be with two girls. Wants to be with me more than his girlfriend, but is scared to because I hurt him in the past.
Me: I'm in love with my best friend, but he has a girlfriend and even though he cheated on her with me he's not going to tell her because he doesn't want to break up with her because he's scared to be with me because I hurt him in the past.

I don't know what's going to happen. I asked him if he was going to take a chance and be with me, and he said, "Baby steps. I'll get there. Slowly. It might take a year; or more, or less. I don't know." But I told him I'd wait for him regardless.

Sigh. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take.
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