Friday, March 26, 2010

when your always the one that's alone


I just wanted to share, because its hard sometimes talking to those around you, talking to the people who are care for you and think you are lovely. When they ask you whether you have a boyfriend, or lament at how a young and pretty girl like you could possibly be single, its hard. Hard to bring together what you know about yourself - that you're worth it, that your good the way you are - and the fear that maybe you are doing something wrong.

They tell you that you just haven't met him yet. And yet when they learn you are 21 and have never had a boyfriend, never felt those feelings that people write novels about for someone - they are surprised, and can't believe that you would never have found someone. How you could possibly be all alone.

It's not that you haven't met people. You've met boys. And at first when the boys liked you, you played along. But then you found yourself in the park kissing this boy you don't like and looking for reasons to get away. Or in a bed freaking out because while you liked kissing and his ripped abs, you don't even know they boy in front of you. Because it was the kissing you liked, not the boy. And so you learn... And you watch as time changes, for then its the boys who were friends who told someone they liked you, and you watch as your friendship falls apart as you put up walls around you. You're just so scared.

And you know that you are supposed to be OPEN to love. But what you don't understand is how you're CLOSED. You want to fall in love, its the only thing in the world you can think of that you want more than anything. You try to not make the same mistakes as before, and yet you end up in the same place again. So you try and get by with what you can - sustaining myself on living vicariously through other love stories, and imagining magical moments in love. But before long you find yourself in a vicious circle of expectation and then disappointment.

I try to be open to love, but I feel like a fraud when I dont feel the way I'm supposed to. So I keep a distance and don't give them the wrong idea about how I feel, so I don't end up in a relationship or in a place with someone I don't even like.

But what if I'm wrong about the way I feel.
All I know is I'm alone, and a mess.

And that's why its hard sometimes to talk to people you know. And why its hard sometimes when your always the one that's alone.
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