Sunday, October 11, 2009

please understand

deviant art: thirdeyee

it happened just like every other time. different place, different people, different words, i thought even a different me but still the same outcome. it always comes out the same. i think ive moved on, i think im ready to be friends again, i think im over him. so i start a conversation, begin catching up, rebuilding, starting over. every time im so positive that this time will be the last time that he and i have to become friends, this time will be different, this time it will work. this time everything i want will come true. i was so sure this time.

we're friends, we're together, we're hurting each other, we're fighting, we're alone again.

then we give each other some space and try it all over again. you would have thought at least one of us would learn from the millionth time. but neither of us do.

loves meant to be simple. if you love him and he loves you then you are in love. if you are in love you are together. its never been like that though. not even from the first minute we met.

i fell for him almost as soon as i saw him. there was just this amazing link between the two of us. it was so strong people neither of us knew picked up on it. it wasnt that i had a crush on him, it wasnt that i liked him, it was more. i was in love, not that i knew it at that point. and then it started. i fell and he didnt. i changed he fell i changed back. we were together and then we werent. we moved on then we moved back. and sure enough we ended again. he fell and i didnt. i fell and he couldnt. but then he did. i finally caught on and fell into him. at that moment we fell evenly, finally. we were equals in love, nobody was king and nobody was jester. and it was wonderful. then we both fell away. and then back together.

and now im stuck right back where i was. completely in love and with a totally broken heart. i want more than anything else to be able to accept that we arent going to go anywhere because we arent. i just want to be at the stage where i know in my mind and my heart that while we arent going to work god dammit we gave it our best shot. and its not that i havent tried everything i can think of to move on. you can bet your life that ive tried every trick in the book. in fact i rewrote the book, adding in all my crazy desperate ideas that i tried once i had exhausted the book. but still when i lie awake at night im left wondering if i really did try everything. if i really did try my hardest. or if i only made it look like that. because, really, deep down somewhere even though he is so wrong for me and i am so wrong for him maybe i dont want to stop loving him. but the smart thing, the logical thing to do is to get the communication happening between my head and my heart. get my head to make my heart see reason. get it to see the truth about me and him. we dont work. we wont work.

we arent the right kind of wrong. we arent the wrong kind of right. we are just the wrong kind of wrong.

being right means that i wont have him to tell me that mum didnt mean what she just said.

being right means that i wont get any more applogy texts cause he fell asleep on me the night before.

being right means that i cant claim a bed to myself after parties that he hasnt gone to.

being right means that i wont have him to cover me in sand when i fall asleep at the beach.

being right means that i dont have him to convince me to miss school or work cause he knew that i secretly wanted to spend the day with him.

being right means that i dont have an offer from him to warn off guys for me, even if its just an offer.

being right means that i wont be thinking about him when im singing along to love songs.

being right means that i cant have anymore of his goodbye kisses.

being right means that i wont have him.

being right means that i loose everything that has made up the past two years.

so i know that this isnt going to work. i know that i am going to get hurt again. i know that my friends will have run out of sympathy by the next time i come crying to them. i know that im missing out on wonderful people by being caught up with him. i know that im not going to come out of this alive. but also i know that im in love.and im not ready to let that go just yet.or ever.

so lets be wrong together. not the good kind. not the right kind. the wrong kind. our kind.

cause i know no matter how much i deny it, not matter what i tell my friends, no matter who im with or what im doing, im thinking up ways to make us work.

by bec
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