Wednesday, October 28, 2009

i confessed to my friends that I loved you

You've loved me since the 10th grade, this I know now. But I was to absorbed in myself to see you as more than just a best friend. I broke your heart. You knew we would never be. You were always just the nice guy who was there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. I did love you, but not in the way you loved me. I took advantage of you, everyone was telling me it was so obvious that you loved me. But I wouldn't let myself see it, I blocked you out. We spent every day together in the summer going into our junior year and it continued into our junior year. We were inseparable. Then I'm not sure what started it but we started separating. Maybe you couldn't stand being just my best friend and only wanted to be my friend who was sometimes there. I'll never know. I got a boyfriend senior year and told you everything, maybe that was wrong of me. He hated when we were alone together because he knew you loved me, but I wouldn't let that separate us for good. Then you got a girlfriend. I hated her, but I told you she was cute and that I liked her. Slowly we started seeing each other less and less. Then I realized why I hated her so much. It was because I was so jealous of her. You started hanging out with only her friends and we never saw each other. Then freshman year came. We were both still in relationships. We would talk when we saw each other out at parties and have really good talks about our relationships. Mine was at the time going down hill and you helped me in a way just through our few talks. The summer going into our sophomore year I ended things with my boyfriend of 2 years, it was hard. But you were there for me. One night when we were drunk at a party I confessed to my friends that I loved you, i unconditionally loved you, more then I ever wanted to love someone. I loved you as a best friend and someone I was interested in. This made it even more dangerous. After this party I blocked out what i had confessed, but my friends will never forget it and never let me forget it. The summer went on and our relationship didn't change. We still never saw each other, you still had a girlfriend. Then 5 days ago I heard from a friend that your girlfriend had broken up with you. I immediately wanted to talk to you. But I couldn't because we are not the way we used to be and may never be that way again. I know she broke your heart and I am so sorry, I want nothing more than to be there for you right now. But I can't be. I can never tell you how I really feel. I cannot bring myself to risk such heartache of being denied. I cannot risk losing you as a friend. I need you in my life even if we aren't talking as much as we used to, we still can talk. And that is something I am not willing to give up. I love you, but I can never be with you. You don't love me the way you used to. And you never will because she broke your heart. Why didn't you tell me how you felt before? Why did you have to be the nice guy who couldn't step up to what he wanted?


h...could you possibly be projecting with those last lines? let's change them around:
"why didn't you tell him how you felt? why did you have to be the girl who couldn't step up to what she wanted?"

i think you need to go for it.
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