Sunday, September 20, 2009

now i don't know how to be friends with him


i still don't know how i feel about him. it hurts my heart when he doesn't answer my phone calls or when he doesn't call me or text me forever. this summer he said he didn't know if he even remembered what it felt like when we were traveling, when it was so good and we were having fun. and i don't know if i'm remembering anymore either. but parts of me are. parts of me remember the good so intensely that i can't stop thinking about it. like talking forever on the roof or in the hammock. or doing ridiculous things like stealing hotel room keys just to have sex just then. or standing in a ridiculous pharmacy staring blankly at their questionable assortment of condoms trying to decide which might, perhaps, maybe just work enough. but that was after we had had a little fight. and then i remember that there were also times when it was just the two of us when there wasn't much to say, when we were both drawing a blank. part of me thinks that's totally normal. part of me thinks that happens with everyone. but part of me wonders if, as he said, there was never a 'spark.' maybe there wasn't. was i just attached to the sex? but then i know i wasn't. for whatever reason, he was someone who got to see all of me. literally every corner inside and out. i don't know why i felt okay telling him everything but i did. maybe he wasn't asking for it. maybe it was too much on my part and i should have been more guarded. and maybe i should have. but how could i have felt more comfortable talking to him than i ever have talking to any other boy before. the sex.. that was also me. i guess i wanted it. he wanted it too though. he could have said no. it doesn't always have to be the girl who says no if it doesn't feel right. so i guess because of all of this what happened happened and i loved it and maybe began to love him a teensy bit too.

but now where do we go. what do we do now that we are back in that city and it isn't the same. what is it that made us both miss each other more than a little bit this summer. what were we missing. now i don't know how to be friends with him. i can hardly look him in the eyes because he will so easily be able to see how i'm feeling. we both suck at hiding our feelings. i'm afraid that even looking him in the eyes, hugging him goodbye, will give away the fact that if he asked me today if i wanted to be his girlfriend, i'd say yes. but why do i want that still? practically, i know there were some major no's in the picture. but when your heart gets so involved how can it be totally wrong. i don't want him to know that i might still like him. i want more than anything for him to be my friend and for me just to want to be friends with him. but i need him to be supportive i think. i wish he could just know that i still like him, but know that i'm trying to get over it. i wish he could try to get me to talk about other guys with him. maybe that would be too awkward but maybe it would solidify in my mind his position as just my friend. today is sunday and all i want to do is hang out with him, but what if he doesn't want to hang out with me. or what if i want to hang out, but as soon as we do i can't do it. what if i can't stop thinking of him as more than friends.

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