a memory

Photo via: dear caffeine

It's time to let you go now. I've been keeping you with me for too long and now I have to let you go. You went away a long time ago, but now I have to release you from me. I don't love you anymore and you are not the one I once loved. Every trace of what we had is forever gone. And that is okay, because you and I are over. We don't exist anymore. We are nothing.

It's time for me to let go of the anger, the hurt and the resentment. I don't need it anymore. Sure, I feel much hate for you, but it's time to put it aside. I don't wish you good, but I don't want to wish you evil anymore either. I want to let you go for good because you are out of my life.

You have someone new now, and I never ever thought I would say this, but it's okay now. Not because I want you to be happy, but because it was not supposed to be me anymore. It's just a stupid girl you choose to love for now. You don't want me anymore and that's okay too. I don't wish to be with you because with you I can not be the best version of me. You don't make me the happiest. Sure, there was a time I felt like the happiest person in the world, but it only lasted for days or hours. I deserve to be happy all the time and go through a more normal amount of bad times. And after you, I think I have had enough of them for a while.

I will keep you as a memory inside me. Not in my heart, but my head. You are done living in my heart and that's okay too. We had good times and we had bad times. You taught me a lot about life, art and music, and I would lie if I wasn't happy for it, but now I have found my own stuff, I am managing on my own. I have become this wonderful, strong, independent and happy person. And I would not have been like this by your side.

I will stop talking about you, I will try to stop trashing your name and I will put you in the past where you belong. It's almost been two years since it all began. It's time for you to leave my heart and I am letting you. I don't need you in a good way, I am happy in my life and I am deeply thankful for the time we shared, but it was over a long time ago. And I am sort of fine with that now. I don't want to thank you for anything, and I don't forgive you for what you did to me, but I am moving on. I wish to use my time and mind on other things. So now I am finally letting you go and leaving you in the past as a memory.

where does love go?

Photo via: zweifelsohne wankelmütig

Does it slip through our clenched fists, so desperately ready to clash against a wooden door out of frustration, just to spare one another’s flesh? Does it spill from our souls and travel down the tracks on our cheeks, finally soaking into our pillowcases at 3am when we’ve been thinking too much? Does it shoot from our mouths with every horrible word we say to one another? Or maybe it gets caught in the silence when we’re laying beside one another, both wide awake but staring at the walls as if every answer we need will appear on them.

Does it drown inside of a whiskey bottle so that we can pretend that love never even existed at all? Does it get tangled on the bedroom floor of a stranger who we chose because they had your eyes or they wore the same cologne and we prayed that maybe we’d find a substitute for love underneath someone else’s covers? Does it dissipate in the cold winter air; from a cigarette that you don’t even enjoy the taste of, but you’d just hoped it would replace the addiction?

Does it slip out the back door with you when you leave in a rush, after we’ve told one another we never want to see each other again? Does it fade into the hum of a dial tone, after we’ve ended our conversation with no goodbye? Does it crash into a million pieces with every broken promise we’ve never fulfilled? Maybe it tiptoes from our breath with a long sigh, when we’re alone and we realize this isn’t how love is supposed to be. Does it get trapped in the memories, when our smiles were genuine, behind the glass of pictures that collect dust in boxes we’ve hidden away?

I will never understand where love goes. I will never understand how little by little, the person who once made you feel so alive could drain you completely. I’ll never understand how it feels like one day you go to bed with the man you thought was your person in life, and wake up in an instant with a complete stranger.

With you, I’ve been playing it all back, retracing my steps, thinking of what I could have possibly missed, trying to desperately pinpoint the moment our love disappeared; as if I’m trying to retrace my steps to find my misplaced car keys. And that is when I usually realize, that as much as I’d hoped my love for you was lost for good, there I find it tucked away in a corner of my heart, like a little note you find hidden in your jeans pocket, all wrinkled and faded from going through the washer. And I think of you, and I miss you, the good and the bad, and I still love you.

And that’s when I realize, love doesn’t go anywhere. It was either there or it wasn’t. I don’t think your love was ever really there for me. It was always easy for you to leave this behind. Me on the other hand, well I was never really good at letting go, and if I go searching, I still find my love for you.

my only exception

Photo via: PAHUD Hsieh

I'm on the train on the way home alone listening to "The Only Exception." Thinking about you, always you.

I hate you so much that sometimes I can't stand it. You brush my comments of by saying stuff like "cool" or "fair enough" and make me feel like it like just couldn't care less about what I have to say.

And it hurts, I cry and decide I should gather what little sense I have and keep well away from you.

But then I love you to the point where I question my own sanity. You make me feel special with your early morning text saying "hey beautiful." And your late night texts saying "sweet dreams."

Before you, I never knew that I could actually selflessly love someone regardless. To me your clothes, your job, the lack of colour on your skin and religion don't matter. All that matters is that you unknowingly have my heart in the palm of your hand.

You say you've had dreams of us living in a house with the white picket fence. Beautiful children and a happy life. What I wouldn't do to make that my reality. Every night before I sleep I pretend I live that reality.

I wish you weren't my only exception.

Xx

a lack of friendship

Photo via: Style Caster

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
-- Friedrich Nietzshe

I'd say the same for a dating couple as well, no? What do you guys think about this quote?

the memories

Photo via: Dawn Chapman

Once, when I was a lot younger, I submitted a completely fake, made-up story to this website. I don’t even know if it was ever posted, but when I think back on it, I cringe. It was badly written, and was so strange and shallow I would be surprised if anybody thought it was real.

At the time, I did it because I was craving to be loved. I was maybe 13, in my last year of middle school, and I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet. I’d had endless crushes that had never been reciprocated. So I was fascinated by the amazing coincidence that was love – someone who could feel the same kind of thing you felt about them. I wanted it more than anything.

And I eventually got it, even if it caused me (and so many other teens) so much grief. I am 19 now, and in college. Love – all forms of it – has mangled my consciousness. I experienced two extremes of euphoria and sadness. I fell in love with the wrong people, with my best friends, with the place I was living in, with the community that surrounded me, with a boy who had funny ways of showing that he loved me too. And I learned how love could wreck you. I have filled pages and pages with half-drunken words that spill from my mind when I think about the people that are now gone from my life. I thought I was excellent at goodbyes, but I was wrong. I thought I was capable of replacing people, but I am not.

These are the memories that I write about, again and again, so that I will never forget them. Love feels like home in the other’s arms, love involves endless tears, love is an overpowering scent, love is when the earth shifts its axis and suddenly you are somebody else’s orbit, love is a lot of letting go. It’s a phenomenon that I question almost everyday, when I wake up and the first thing I think of is how you kissed me that one night. And, I love you. This story is real as it ever will be.

M
 

sadness and cigarettes

Photo via: Marija Kovac

I taste of cigarettes and sadness,
as your eyes trace the contour of my cheek,
the line of my lips,
calculating some unfathomable equation.

And still you lean in closer.

Seeing my shattered heart reflected back
I turn away.
Your fingertips brush my chin,
lift my face towards the heavens.

Still you lean in closer.

I stop breathing,
suspended,
caught in the tangle of uncertainty
that this moment portends.

Frozen,
forever,
not wanting to know if you taste of
sadness and cigarettes.

daddy

Photo via: zweifelsohne wankelmütig

Hi,

My father just passed away yesterday and I feel like writing about our father-daughter relationship. I would be happy if you share the following on your blog.

Yesterday, my father left this world for a better one. He has suffered from a heart attack two years ago, which put him to a persistent vegetative state. This is my letter to him:

Hi daddy,

Words cannot describe how much I miss you right now. My eyes have been wet for the last 36 hours. While I would like to think you are sitting right next to me, I cannot stop this emptiness I feel inside. Now that you have left this world, I have a lot of regret. I wish we would have gone to the theater more often to see plays. I remember we did that one time, just you and me, sharing our passion for drama. You worked a lot, so we couldn't do that often. But when we went, it was special. I also wish I haven't been so bitchy whenever you gave me constructive criticism regarding my future plans. You always wanted the best for me and I was blinded by other trivial things, not appreciating your efforts. I wish we could have hugged and cuddled more. Like that one time, when you picked me up from boarding school, I gave you such a big hug that you were still talking about it years later. But I also wish that you wouldn't have cheated on my mother, causing you two to separate from each other. I think that was the point where I had less respect toward you and distanced myself from your life. Still, you were so caring about my life choices. You cared about my future like no one else. You made me feel safe because you could just call one of your patients and ask them if I can do an internship at their company. You knew everybody and everybody knew you.

I think the love a daughter shares with her father is unique in so many different ways. It is sometimes an awkward kind of love, especially as a teen. But it is also protective, because a father knows how guys can hurt a girl. I would like to remember you as my personal hero, who would never judge me, just question me. Who would see me as a princess since the day I was born. Thank you for the 19 years I could spend with you.

Rest in peace, dad. I love you, forever.

worth the fight

Photos via: Elizabeth Messina | Melody Hansen

love alone is worth the fight.

not sure where the road is going to take us

Photos via: Reader's Own (edited)

Driving south on the 101 he pulled off at the Camp Pendleton exit, somewhere I had never been. He said he could get to a beach that isn't open to the public. After seeing the road we needed was closed we did some off-roading, something I have always enjoyed. Reminded me of family trips to eastern Oregon in the middle of no where- except here you can see the ocean. He sees a steep hill puts his truck in 4wheel drive and takes off, making it to the top of the hill finally able to see the ground is visible over the hood of the truck. We come to a dead end, unable to go anywhere I get out of the truck to go check out the view. Wearing a long white lace dress that I hold up the bottom so it doesn't get snagged by the surrounding brush. Graham comes up to me and puts his arms around me as we both take in the scenery. I grab my phone and take a few pictures of him and I.

In this moment I am consumed by irony of the situation. Here we are on an adventure not sure where the road is going to take us and here on top of the gorgeous hill side with ocean views I am with the man I love at a dead end road. Trying not to get consumed by reality. I wear a smile as I put my face into his neck and he pulls me closer. We decide we need to find the road to the beach, climb in the truck and he reverses down the hill. I think to myself, are we able to reverse through our past and push through the dead end.

you weren't meant to leave

Photo via: Joe Curtin

You weren’t meant to leave…

We were meant to meet again. I was going to be older and more secure. I was going to tell you how much you hurt me, and how much I loved you when I was young. We were meant to drink beer and laugh about how much we used to both want the upper hand, and I was going to tell you how you were a pivotal point in my coming of age story. You were meant to think I was cooler, and be impressed of the person that I had become. We were meant to make love again, like we always did. We were meant to kiss in alleyways and laugh at stupid jokes and I was meant to tell you that you were still disgusting. I was meant to taste cigarette on your lips again, and rest my head on your chest while we lay there in the sun running my hands over every tattoo. We were meant to start texting each other in the early hours again, asking each other to come over. I was meant to tell you that I was sorry that I was so cold the second time, and tell you that when you asked to be my boyfriend that all I wanted to say was yes, but I was scared, scared of how much I cared even then, and scared of being vulnerable. And we were meant to laugh, laugh about how silly that was.

I cant now though, you took your life. And now all my meant tos and meanings are held in my chest, slowly suffocating me.


You weren't meant to leave.

we've both grown

Photo via: Emmanuel Rosario

Reading these stories has my heart extremely heavy. I see so many on here who long and hope and wait for love, this exact love that I have, and here I am, contemplating letting it go.

It was 2 years and 7 months ago that you came into my life. I know love at first sight may seem cliche, but that's exactly what it was. We met through a mutual friend, started talking, and haven't stopped since. We've been through so much in almost three years, and although I love you beyond words, I'm not sure I am good for you. A friend of mine told me "Love is electric. It is obsessive and consuming. When you are in love with someone, there is no room for boredom."

I don't deserve you. You deserve to be with someone who can give you everything you give me and more. Someone without a destructive, impulsive personality who is not constantly unsatisfied and jumping from one idea to the next. I can only give you stability for so long, and you don't deserve that. You came to me at a time when I needed saving. You were my security. I was young and foolish and you were a little older and everything I needed at the time. We've both grown so much in almost three years. I don't need that same security anymore, because I've developed it in myself. I am on a journey of self discovery and it has made me realize that maybe you were who I needed then because of who I used to be. I am not her anymore.

I love you so much that I continue to stay, but I don't know for how much longer. I met a new him and I am scared of what may develop between us. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but you've been my everything for so long, what about me? No one writes about these kinds of love stories. They are too painful.

Even if this isn't posted, I am happy I wrote it. Maybe one day I'll be courageous enough to tell you. Hopefully this helps someone, I know someone is out there wondering about this kind of love story.

be a virgin until marriage or have sex?

Photo via: Emmanuel Rosario

Le Love has been the one and only website I have read for the last 4 years. It has helped me a lot reading these stories about real people that have been through so much and experienced some magical moments with people they LOVE. This is not always the occasion, there are many stories about heartbreak and how they have dealt with it, in every kind of way. These people show their emotions, their stories that define who they are. So what the hell, why not share mine?

I don't have a story where I have been madly in love or where I have had a really bad breakup. But I have some thoughts that I need to share with someone, the real people out there. I'm a 20 year old girl and a virgin. Yes virgin. I would say that this is my biggest secret, no one knows and no one is supposed to know. I would explain my thoughts with just one word, dreamer.

There is a part of me that thinks I should remain a virgin until I get married or find the «one». This part of me thinks that this is the one and only choice. Why not wait for this person that you are madly in love with and want to marry. Isn't it a beautiful thought to have just had sex with one person? Yes, I'm religious, but that's not the reason why I'm a virgin. The reason is that I want to feel special, that it is meant to be for me to wait for the one and only. My dream to have a good thing to wait for, that all these years have been like this for the perfect finale.

And there is the other part of me that thinks, what the hell have I done all these years without sex? This part of me encourages me to do whatever I want, get it over with. Isn't sex a big part of a girl's life, shouldn't this be a part of my life. Experience in every kind of way. This part of me feels that I have missed on so much like falling in love, having plenty of boyfriends and experiencing mad amazing sex. My dream of being that girl, the one that just does everything that comes to her mind. Sex is a big deal when you are 20 years old, so is what have I done so wrong?

Should I do this right now or since I've waited that long should I wait longer? These thoughts get into my head and disturb me. What kind of girl thinks about sex and relationships like this. One day it's one thing and the next day is another. Have sex! No, wait for the perfect one. I'm mad, mad at me for having it affect me. And since no one in my life knows, I need someone to tell me what to do. I need someone that doesn't know me whats the best thing to do. Be a virgin until marriage or have sex and wake up the wild side in me?

Sincerely, Amanda.

everything you ever need

Photo via: We Heart It

get out of my head

Photo via: Joel Sossa

I want to know what's the problem with me.
I know is a really silly thing to send to you but I need to share this with someone.
I have an amazing boyfriend who really loves me, is nice to me, cares about me and is my best friend.
So why do I have to miss the guy I was in love 3 years ago? Why do I suddenly started to think so much about someone who forgot me long ago? Why he still makes my heart beat so fast if I am 100% sure that he is not the right one for me?
WTF heart

Here, this is for you J.:
When I'm just doing normal things and then I see myself near that park bench, or in the corner of that street that nobody goes or just sitting in that table on the 6th floor in the engineering building... I feel a little, very little ache in my heart, because I know we are never going to be "us" again, we probably never going to hang out there and just talk unimportant stuff. I'm not going to hear stupid stories from you and laugh nonstop, the way that only you can make me do.

I know we never had anything serious but I miss what we had, whatever it was.

I know you moved on, have dated so many girls and now you even moved to another city. So please, get out of my head because I found someone special that I love so much, and I want to be with him, I want to be entirely with him. I'm okay with you being my friend (I guess), but just friend. I don't want to feel this for you anymore.

i just need to understand

Photo via: Mafalda Silva

Dear Le Love,

I've been addicted to your blog for several of years now, and we all know that addiction is a continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences. I'm in need of advice, as the matter of fact, any advice I can possibly get my hands on.

How to begin? Two years ago I started communicating back and forth with an old friend, someone I previously never thought would be anything other than my friend. We talked all the time for hours at a time - Skype, Facebook, messages, you name it. He had just gotten heartbroken from his first love and I was just there for him as a friend. Even though I wasn't there psychically, I was there emotionally. We got along great and developed a great friendship over the coming two years. Due to the fact of us both having a tight schedule we never got the chance to actually meet up, and when we were going to things always seemed to get in the way, something most people would call fate.

All of a sudden things changed. He stopped writing, he stopped caring, and eventually; he stopped replying. After every stupid argument we happened to have I knew he would come back anyway, sure I foolishly took him for granted, but all of a sudden he completely shut me out without a word. I know I'm fucked in so many ways because I haven't only lost a person who actually cared deeply for me, but I sort of lost my best friend. I lost someone I never thought I would lose.

I've gone through our conversations in my head probably a million times unable to find a solution to what actually happened between the two of us us. I guess you just need to smile and forget. Forget about all our deep conversations, and forget about us sleeping next to one another via Skype. I guess I have to forget the way he complemented me and the way he completed me at the same time. Forget about all the times we secretly looked at each other during those long Skype calls and I'll probably have to forget him giving me advice about guys when it probably was incredibly painful for him to begin with. I'll have to forget our misunderstandings and our stupid arguments, but that was just us, being sillier than ever.

I never thought he would mean anything more to me than a friend. I never thought I would ever lose him, and I certainly never could've anticipated for things to end up as they have. He did exactly what I keep preaching about; he let go. He set standards and built walls to prevent himself from getting heartbroken again. He decided not to let me in again which he's made very clear.

I've been stupid all along. I never cared, or at least that's what I thought. I ended up caring. Now I'm the one sitting here wanting to see him. Now I'm the confused one. Now I'm the one reminiscing. I'm having to let go of someone who I've been trying to reach out to for so long now. I'm having to let go of the only person who actually cared. The only person who actually knew me and never judged. I'm sorry, love. I no longer know how to feel. He wants nothing to do with me and I'm trying to move on as best I can. I need for him to reply, this can't just be the end, it can't be that simple. I've moved on and I'm currently dating someone else, someone who would walk through fire and flames for me, someone who would take a bullet for me. Someone who deserves all my attention, all of me. I just need to understand why things got so messed up between me and my "friend," I need to get clarity, I need for you to help me achieve understanding.

hanging onto this hope

Photo via: emma louise.

It's been 3 years, 2 months and 10 days.
One would think that's enough time to, you know, forget someone.

I'm hanging onto this hope that we just met at the wrong time. And maybe you knew that too. Because the whole time you have never wanted a relationship, yet everyone could tell you were madly in love with me. Even when we hang out as 'just friends', people often strangers always say to you 'You're a lucky man aren't you?'.

Since we met I've had two different boyfriends, and I'm currently with a guy who's a literal prince charming. I can't fault him anywhere , yet I can't stop thinking about you either. It's so wrong, yet so treacherous. You're always there, every break up and bam I'm in your bed again... Sometimes within just a few hours. IT'S SO WRONG!

You were just too good. Everything with you just fit so well. Every walk to the beach and each giggle on your bed, always ended up in passionate kisses. I remember I used to be able to feel you smiling while you kissed me. I've never smiled so much with someone, laughed so much or felt as comfortable as I was with you. Maybe I'm clinging onto the hope that I'll get that back with you one day. But we met when I was 15 and you were 16. You were in my life for such a long time, without being my official boyfriend.. You pretty much were.

But there were other girls. And I know I should blame you and hate you for it. But all along you said we were too young to have a relationship. I agreed on friends with benefits, because I would have done anything to keep you with me. So technically i was aware the whole time. And even though I cried and cried, I always ended up in your backyard.

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night and walked out. I broke down and 20 minutes later I was knocking at your door, mascara running down my face. Nothing happened at night with you. We just sat on the road, you held me close and tried to make me feel better. And it was nice.

My boyfriend leaves to go abroad for 10 months very soon. I don't think he will stay with me. 10 months is a long time to be away from someone when your 20. I so hope I'll have enough strength to not even up on your street.

But look.
I probably will.

what's best for me

Photos via: Helen Korpak | We Heart It

i need to be fixed

Photo via: Sophie Ha

I’ve been hesitant about writing this. I don’t want to write something and make it all about him. He doesn’t deserve to play such a huge role in my life, there are a lot of other great things to write about. He doesn’t control my life. But if I’m being honest, he has influenced the last couple of years a lot. He broke me in the most cruel way possible and I need to be fixed.

Since we’ve broken up, I tried to work on myself. And I felt better, I hadn’t been thinking about him and everything became easier after a while. I felt like I was over him, at least, for the most part. But then he broke me all over again. One of my best friends went on a summer holiday with him behind my back, I found out through facebook, and they’re in a relationship now. He has destroyed not only that friendship but many, he has destroyed my faith in love and he has destroyed me. Every part of my heart broke all over again. I remembered it all and I couldn’t understand. I never will. He was the first guy I ever truly loved and she was there through it all. She has seen me broken, I have seen her broken and I fixed her. I was there for her, through everything. Even though years have passed between the time I was with him and the present, I feel betrayed. No-one apologized or has considered my feelings. Am I that easy to replace?

I’m not able start a new relationship yet, because I don’t trust guys anymore. Every guy I thought was nice, turned out to be an asshole. I don’t want to feel like this. Of course, I’m enjoying my life but whenever I think about it; I’m sad, angry and I don’t know how to make me feel better. I want to feel like myself again. I need to be fixed, if I only knew how...

I’ll just see what happens. No expectations and no plan.

love doesn't change, we do...

Photo via: Mafalda Silva

And my heart is shattering like buildings and roads after an earthquake. Oh the tragedies every memory I have has to face at the moment, where do I begin?

I wish I could have mastered the art of slowing down time, I would have made this last a life time, but it doesn't seem like I could. My world, the one I took years, 5 to be exact, trying to construct every detail in it around that one dream, around that simple image in my head of waking up to his soft lips against mine, to his smell, to his noise as he goes on doing his thing so early in the morning when all I want to do is lie in bed... all of it is decaying right before my eyes.

Blind, he might be to all of this, but maybe he never really had the same dream. So many tiny things that can slide unnoticed, became magnified that I can see nothing else. Blinded, I've become by all this pain, all these questions and confusions of where I am and where I'm heading or if I'm able to move at all.

To be honest, I have never seen it coming, so when it finally hit me, I could hear the irony laughing so loud in my head, I could hear all the it echoing in my ears, "I told you so, we've told you so, you weren't listening, you refused to tune in.. look at you now, pathetic... pathetic".

Pathetic, to stand in this alone, to walk through it alone. And I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break things and break down, break out of this cage I've imprisoned my soul in. Yet, there's no point in any of this, no reason behind it, no lessons to learn.

To be filled with so many emotions all at once, all at the same exact instant in time, I feel paralyzed and unable to control or hold onto any of them, as if my own mind has decided to launch a war against my heart, not to kill it but to deeply hurt it, brutally deform it, to mortify it...

But isn't it funny? How I thought I could manage, how I thought I could fight, how I thought I was so much bigger than anything that would threaten this love, and yet it's never hit me until now that the only thing threatening this love is his empathy, his indifference, his irresponsibility, or better yet his decision to remain oblivious to any of this, to all of this.

Love doesn't change, we do, we did, him and I. I've grown more independent, more focused, more and more in love. He grew apart, more distant, more occupied with his to-do lists, with his body, with his studies, his own world, leaving me outside watching through a glass window but still try to stay convinced it's all for us.

I thought my love for him could wreck mountains, could break skies and change the way we both perceive the world, but only if his love for me was as strong... and it isn't. Not anymore.

I remember something he told me once, people fall out of love for each other when they can no longer adapt to how they change, if one person adapts and the other is having a hard time, love wont be enough. Love isn't enough.

but for now

Photo via: We Heart It

It felt as if the universe was telling us that our time would eventually come, but for now just silently fall in love.

And that’s what I did.

-M

bear with me

Photo via: Joel Sossa

I'm hard to deal with.

I have this disease, I'm messy, I embarrass you, and then there's the cold feet about all the big steps I'm going to take in my life that scares me tremendously, and all the trips, and the cold Swedish weather, and how very jealous I am (once again: sorry).

I'm just asking you to bear with me.

Bear with me - because I will be the most loyal friend you'll ever have.

I'll be the most caring lover you will ever meet.

I'll be the most fun roommate you will ever have.

I'll do everything you need me to do for you to be happy.

I'll run a thousand miles just to see your face - and back, if you suddenly needed some space.

I'll clean our room even though my favorite hobby is not lifting a single finger.

I'll have long discussion with your folks even though I just want to eat ice cream and sing to Bryan Adams songs.

I'll leave you alone when you're playing video games even though it is so stinking funny to throw popcorn at you while you do.

I'll stop staring at you when you sleep even though you're face is like a magnet and my face is like the fridge.

I'll stop kissing every inch of your face while squeezing your cheeks together and laughing uncontrollably when we're in public.

I'll stop eating chips in bed because you hate crumbs (even though I love to roll around in them... come on, it's fun).

I'll bear with you even though I can't bear with anybody.

Because you ain't just anybody, You're everything.

And, let's face it Anton, you've beared with me for an entire year already.

It wouldn't kill you to bear with me a bit longer.

Love, A

let's just pretend

Photo via: Mafalda Silva

My beloved A,

I have probably written you a thousand notes, over a hundred letter, countless messages... but not one of this kind.

Let's go back in time, 5 years ago when I was out of my mind and blindly in love with you, all your imperfections, all the silly things you've said and done. I still am so in love with you but I always knew that I loved you way more than I can handle.

I remember waking up to your morning messages telling me you love me, then you being the first thing I see in the morning, you being the last thing I see before falling asleep. I remember you holding on to me and stopping me every few steps as we got closer to my house so you'd kiss me, over and over and over again. I remember everything you've said, the good, the bad, and the hurtful... I love it all, our endless memories are the only thing that keep me hanging on at the moment... but not for long.

It feels like a lifetime we've been together, and I cant imagine my life without you, but recently, we've been growing so distant from each other. And it's not because we barely have any time left to meet, it's not because you're too busy to call me back, it's mostly because you're so out of reach... I feel like I cant recognize you, or myself anymore.. we're so different now, you say you love me so much, I know you do but I love you way more than you love me.

The fact that you gave up trying kills me, the fact that you said you know you take me for granted yet you continue on doing it leaves me so out of breath, you saying you're sorry you "forget" to call me back sometimes.... well... I can't even begin to describe what that does to my poor little heart that can only function out of love for you. You used to be the one reason I loved waking up, now I can hardly get out of bed, we used to talk every second of every day, now I consider myself lucky if I get a goodnight message... I don't know where this hole came from, all I know is that it's sucking me in it and you're too lost in your own world that you can't even lend a hand to help me out.

But it really drills a hole in my heart to know that you're not willing to fight the same battle for me, especially when you promise you would and end up not doing anything at all. Disappointments, something I've grown up with and seem to grow old with me. Day after day I give myself hope and tell myself that one day I won't be disappointed, not in you, that it will all pay off, that day never seems to come. I'm convinced now that it won’t.

I haven't spent any time with you since Valentine's day, the day we spent hours arguing, screaming, crying, hugging and kissing each other because you are too blind to see how far you've pushed me away... It's safe to say that it's been a month now that I wake up in tears, and cry myself to sleep because it hurts so much how insignificant I've become to you. I wish you would tell me you fell out of love for me, I wish you would tell me you've found someone new, I wish you would tell me this just isn't working out anymore.. say anything other than telling me that it's all in my head.

I'm not happy, I highly doubt you are but you'll never be the first to admit it... so here I am asking you, please let me go...

It feels like I've been swimming for so long, my skin is falling off and that’s how painful it is… being exhausted to an extend that I can’t help myself anymore, all I can do is watch myself dissolve into the water until I completely vanish, just like I did in your eyes. I cant fight on my own anymore, 3 years I've been trying to work things out on my own, 3 years I've been telling myself to keep my mouth shut and just accept how you're growing, how you're changing, how you're slowly not seeing me anymore... but I can't do this.. I cant anymore, it literally is killing me, I can't sleep, eat, work, study, I can hardly smile back at you, I can barely say anything to you when you finally decide to call me back days later... This isn't me, this person you've turned me into, is nothing like me.

So let's just stop here... let's just pretend that we don't love each other, that we wont miss each other, that we're better off... and maybe, maybe you'll find someone who can have your attention constantly, that you'd do anything just to be with... I'd be utterly happy for you...

why do i suck so bad at love?

Photo via: Nicolas Colemonts

Coming to college, I thought I could finally get it right. I thought I would find my soulmate and I'd finally know what it feels like to love someone with my whole heart and to have someone do the same, but I feel like I'm becoming an introvert. I'm hiding from the world in my books and movies. I don't talk to the guys that I find attractive and I'm afraid to get hurt more than ever before. I thought college was the time for self-discovery. Bravery. I want to be bold and courageous. Why am I so afraid to let someone see my true feelings? I just want to be loved and I can't even get over the first stage of love, the meeting. When did I become so scared of talking? Where's my confidence? I'm not this person. I don't give up on love. I always hold out hope, yet I'm running before I can even get hurt. I suck terribly at this.