Tuesday, March 11, 2014

i need to be fixed

LE LOVE BLOG LOVE STORY PHOTO IMAGE GIRL WOMAN LOOKING AT THE CMAERA BLACK AND WHITE PORTRAIT HOLDING HANDS ON CHEST I NEED TO BE FIXED RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP Untitled by Sophie Ha, on Flickr
Photo via: Sophie Ha

I’ve been hesitant about writing this. I don’t want to write something and make it all about him. He doesn’t deserve to play such a huge role in my life, there are a lot of other great things to write about. He doesn’t control my life. But if I’m being honest, he has influenced the last couple of years a lot. He broke me in the most cruel way possible and I need to be fixed.

Since we’ve broken up, I tried to work on myself. And I felt better, I hadn’t been thinking about him and everything became easier after a while. I felt like I was over him, at least, for the most part. But then he broke me all over again. One of my best friends went on a summer holiday with him behind my back, I found out through facebook, and they’re in a relationship now. He has destroyed not only that friendship but many, he has destroyed my faith in love and he has destroyed me. Every part of my heart broke all over again. I remembered it all and I couldn’t understand. I never will. He was the first guy I ever truly loved and she was there through it all. She has seen me broken, I have seen her broken and I fixed her. I was there for her, through everything. Even though years have passed between the time I was with him and the present, I feel betrayed. No-one apologized or has considered my feelings. Am I that easy to replace?

I’m not able start a new relationship yet, because I don’t trust guys anymore. Every guy I thought was nice, turned out to be an asshole. I don’t want to feel like this. Of course, I’m enjoying my life but whenever I think about it; I’m sad, angry and I don’t know how to make me feel better. I want to feel like myself again. I need to be fixed, if I only knew how...

I’ll just see what happens. No expectations and no plan.

6 comments:

  1. I was in your place not too long ago. Keep working on your self-esteem. Meditate, exercise listen to different music etc. It will work out for you and uou will be yourself again. I have no doubt about it. Love yourself.

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  2. Just cry and move on. It stings and you're got to want to accept it, some things you fight for and some you let go.

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  3. I recognize your story a lot. Everyone will tell you to let go and put yourself on the first place again, but there are big chances those words won't work. What finally worked for me was to do things, really a lot of things. Distract yourself from the normal life. All my free hours I'm teaching little children now, and this was really the best thing I could do. The energy they have is so beautiful. Everytime you come back they run into your arms saying that they missed you. That's exactly what you need and it fixed me in a lot of parts. Just focus you really much, first on things outside your house and inner circle, later on I could also focus me again on studying and get satisfied by learning. But it will take time, lots of time. But one day you will realise that you're actually pretty proud of who you've become, and by that moment, you can eventually look to new guys again. Because you can never make someone love you, you can only make yourself someone who can be loved. And you only want to be loved, when you're strong yourself, isn't it? So look for all the little beautiful things in life, try to enjoy every sunshine, every talk with a stranger or a friend, every piece of cake. And the moment that you betray yourself enjoying life again will come soon enough. Don't sit and wait for it. Have faith in yourself :)

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