Monday, March 17, 2014

i just need to understand

LE LOVE BLOG LOVE STORY LOVE PHOTO IMAGE GIRL WOMAN SITTING WINDOW SILL LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW THINKING RELATIONSHIP ABRUPTLY STOPS BUILT UP WALLS SHUT HER OUT NEED TO KNOW WHY NEED TO UNDERSTAND Untitled by Mafalda Silva, on Flickr
Photo via: Mafalda Silva

Dear Le Love,

I've been addicted to your blog for several of years now, and we all know that addiction is a continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences. I'm in need of advice, as the matter of fact, any advice I can possibly get my hands on.

How to begin? Two years ago I started communicating back and forth with an old friend, someone I previously never thought would be anything other than my friend. We talked all the time for hours at a time - Skype, Facebook, messages, you name it. He had just gotten heartbroken from his first love and I was just there for him as a friend. Even though I wasn't there psychically, I was there emotionally. We got along great and developed a great friendship over the coming two years. Due to the fact of us both having a tight schedule we never got the chance to actually meet up, and when we were going to things always seemed to get in the way, something most people would call fate.

All of a sudden things changed. He stopped writing, he stopped caring, and eventually; he stopped replying. After every stupid argument we happened to have I knew he would come back anyway, sure I foolishly took him for granted, but all of a sudden he completely shut me out without a word. I know I'm fucked in so many ways because I haven't only lost a person who actually cared deeply for me, but I sort of lost my best friend. I lost someone I never thought I would lose.

I've gone through our conversations in my head probably a million times unable to find a solution to what actually happened between the two of us us. I guess you just need to smile and forget. Forget about all our deep conversations, and forget about us sleeping next to one another via Skype. I guess I have to forget the way he complemented me and the way he completed me at the same time. Forget about all the times we secretly looked at each other during those long Skype calls and I'll probably have to forget him giving me advice about guys when it probably was incredibly painful for him to begin with. I'll have to forget our misunderstandings and our stupid arguments, but that was just us, being sillier than ever.

I never thought he would mean anything more to me than a friend. I never thought I would ever lose him, and I certainly never could've anticipated for things to end up as they have. He did exactly what I keep preaching about; he let go. He set standards and built walls to prevent himself from getting heartbroken again. He decided not to let me in again which he's made very clear.

I've been stupid all along. I never cared, or at least that's what I thought. I ended up caring. Now I'm the one sitting here wanting to see him. Now I'm the confused one. Now I'm the one reminiscing. I'm having to let go of someone who I've been trying to reach out to for so long now. I'm having to let go of the only person who actually cared. The only person who actually knew me and never judged. I'm sorry, love. I no longer know how to feel. He wants nothing to do with me and I'm trying to move on as best I can. I need for him to reply, this can't just be the end, it can't be that simple. I've moved on and I'm currently dating someone else, someone who would walk through fire and flames for me, someone who would take a bullet for me. Someone who deserves all my attention, all of me. I just need to understand why things got so messed up between me and my "friend," I need to get clarity, I need for you to help me achieve understanding.

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