Tuesday, January 28, 2014

my heart and head

LE LOVE BLOG LOVE STORY LOVE PHOTO IMAGE GIRL WOMAN SMOKING LOOKING THINKING HEAD AND HEART IN TWO DIFFERENT PLACES WITH NEW GUY BUT MISSING EX BOYFRIEND Untitled by Bimbi Gardel, on Flickr
Photo via: Bimbi Gardel

The only way I could make this fathomable to the human mind is by putting it down in writing. As I see it, "There is only one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring,” to quote a phrase. I have many, many, intangible pieces of hurt and resent that fill up every fiber of my being.

That being said, it isn't so bad without you. You come around every now and then to put me in my place about all of this. Like a reminder that I can’t be too well off. I found someone and this tears you apart, but honestly this is never how I wanted this to be. I was the last one who wanted two years of blood, sweat, and tears to go to waste. He is a wonderful guy though; I can’t convince you of it though.

He plays the blues and listens, he listens to every rant and rave that stirs up in my mind. He listens to me talk about you while we share a cigarette and rather than being purely annoyed, he embraces it. I want this. Yet, every time I convince myself of this, I become less sure of the choice that was mine in the first place. It’s a cycle, to say the least. The smallest of things can make me break into tears over you, but too much has occurred to go back. So I need to learn to move forward, but my heart and you pull me back. My head is in the right place though. The thing is unless I can get my heart and head on the same page, I won’t make it very far at all.

I’m currently typing this at school where no one really knows what I’m doing and what I’m writing about, which is how I prefer it. My business is my business, but some days being so self-motivated and hard-headed really does get the better of me and bring me down. Maybe I need some time off. Maybe I need to go to a cafĂ© and treat myself to a lovely boy, in a different world, with a different heart. Maybe then I would truly know what I want.

I love you Nicholas. I always have and always will. I’m so sorry, but your Lovedove will find her way. Whether it’s back to you or someone else, I’ll figure out. I sure hope.

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