Monday, January 6, 2014

i want to know what this all means

LE LOVE BLOG LOVE STORY LOVE PHOTO IMAGE SECRET KISS COUPLE SMILE KISSING NIGHT BLACK AND WHITE PORTRAIT NOT SURE WHERE STAND TOGETHER OR NOT WRONG TIME RECONNECT Untitled by Sandra Beijer, on Flickr
Photo via: Sandra Beijer

I have always been attracted to you. I remember the first time you held my hand, and I remember the first time we hooked up, in the back of a VW Beetle. It was 2006. And now, it is 2014. And you have just told me that you remember it too. You have been thinking about it. Thinking about me.

In 2010 my boyfriend at school broke up with me, and when I came home for the summer, there you were. We had been playing cat and mouse for years, and finally, you were single, and so was I. At first, I’d get drunk at your house and fall asleep in your bed after parties. And then, I wanted to fall asleep in your bed. It took all summer. I don’t know if you were debating, uninterested, or shy. But that last night... that very last night before my senior year of college, you finally kissed me. And we had sex. It was wonderful, and it was a secret. Afterwards, we laid in bed, tangled, joking around about the sexual tension finally being relieved after almost 7 years. And we could breathe.

As I would come home on breaks and random weekends, we’d always end up in your bed. After getting together at your parents house for thanksgiving, we snuck out the door, drunk, and had to walk to my house, in the pouring rain, to sleep. It was one of the most fun and hollywood-standard nights. Arm in arm, we walked to my house, laughing, and falling, and soaked from head to toe. We grabbed towels and climbed into bed, and just snuggled. We slept, spooning, all night. And then I drove you to your parents, where you drove home from there.

In the new winter of 2012, the sex started again, along with the famous high school excuse, “let’s watch a movie”, which had never happened before. We pretended it wasn’t going to happen. And it always did. We crawled into your bed one night, had the most intense sex we had ever had, and then, for the first time, you got weird. The next thing I knew, you proposed to your old high school girlfriend days later on your birthday, and that was when I felt what drowning must feel like. I had never had any intention of dating you. Though, I am, and always have been ridiculously attracted to all of you.

And here we are now, in 2014. She broke off your engagement, not so long after you were engaged. We’ve taken a long amount of time and distance, and we’re back. Hanging out with you for the first time in years alone, coming to the end of 2013, was all too familiar. I wanted to feel you. I wanted you to wrap your arm around the small of my back and make the familiar kind of love we had always made. But, I stayed on a separate couch, drinking a separate beer. We didn’t last too long this time. The tension built quickly. The longer hugs, tighter stares, and the brushing of our hands was enough to make me feel you in my core.

New Years came, and you had mentioned that I could “crash if I needed to”. I packed a toothbrush, extra undies, and my Marc Jacobs honey perfume. Through the night, I felt increasingly hazy. There weren’t enough shots of whiskey to contribute to the haze; it was thought of you and I. Everyone trailed out, we crawled into bed, and suddenly, I felt like nothing was going to happen. My mind went blank, I shoved my feet under yours to keep warm, and I breathed. You told me that night you were thinking about the first time we hooked up, and had been thinking about how, after all of these years, we still have an endless amount of tension that keeps building up, no matter what we do, or don’t do. I don’t know why that could be.

Next thing I knew, you kissed me. Long and hard. It was by far the best kiss. It felt like the first. We made out for what felt like hours. It was crazy, it was tension releasing, and it was awakening. You pulled me up with you, so we were upright, sitting, legs tangled, arms wrapped, and you kissed my neck. In my spot… I shivered. I kissed your neck, down to your shoulders, and it felt like time stopped. I could hear our heartbeats, and I could feel mine beating against yours. You laid me back down, and we went forward and did what was all too familiar, and all too intense. We slept all morning, spooning, my heart still beating fast. You woke me up, kissing my spot, re-awakening what had fallen dormant for the night, and we did it again. We snuggled, you brought me coffee, watched a movie, and here we are.

I want to know what this all means. Is that year after year, tension building and tension relieving feeling… what it’s all about? Is that the in-and-out-of-the-moment thing that everyone longs for? You feel this, and I feel this. It is still a secret. Our secret. Now where do we go from here?

6 comments:

  1. I think you just described my life...

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  2. This sounds all to familiar... I'm living that same secret with an ex. I dont know what this means, were constantly going around in this circle and a part of me loves every second of it, but the other half me hates 'us' for whatever this is. All I can say to you is, just go with it, if it feels right in your soul, go with it, even without answers. Feelings that intense cant be explained, live cant be reasoned with. X

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  3. i am the stupidest person cos i did not make/meet (s)hay when the sun shone. Don't make the same mistake. All the best : )

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  4. i know that feeling too well, there is only a few other things in the world that compare to it. like the feeling of the warm sun drying you after swimming in the sea on one of the greek islands. or creating something
    its bitter sweet because you can't keep it as much as you want to, but you find it so hard to give up because it feel so wright

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  5. That's me and my ex too. I've known him since my freshman year of high school and the first time we liked each other was 11 years ago, and it seems like we keep drawing ourselves back to each other (in high school, then we went to different colleges, and then after college again). Last time was about the third time in 11 years. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if it means that it'll work because we keep finding ourselves back to one another or if it means it won't work because somehow (like now), we can't seem to stay together, but I have never loved anyone as much or as long as I've loved him. I still miss him at the beginning of every day and at the end of every night.

    But somehow we clash. We're not talking now, but I really wish we could still work at it...although right now, it seems like too much to ask for. :(

    There are some things out of your control, so I've been trying to work on improving myself, learning more and traveling more. That's the best I could do right now.

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