Monday, December 16, 2013

this deep seeded fear

LE LOVE BLOG LOVE PHOTO IMAGE PIC GIRL IN BRA BLURRY LOVE STORY GIRL DOUBLE STANDARDS JUST WANTS SEX NO RELATIONSHIP LOW SELF ESTEEM DEFENSIVE FEAR OF GETTING HURT nue de dos by Elena Melkumova, on Flickr
Photo via: Elena Melkumova

Why is it that when you start hanging out with a girl to an excessive degree and you like them intrinsically as a person the logical progression becomes a close platonic friendship, but when there is the same occurrence with a boy suddenly it becomes a ‘thing?’ Suddenly it’s infatuation, on one side at least. We ponder ‘well, we’re both single, so shouldn’t we?’ Why must we feel this innate, subliminal responsibility to pair up and populate the earth? I understand and agree wholeheartedly with the fact that as a race we are a bunch of horny fuckers; so fuck me. I’ll enjoy it, it’s a natural thing. But don’t sue me when I won’t want to hold your hand afterwards.

This is an issue I have. It has a small amount of something to do with this deep seeded fear of hurting another person mentally, spiritually, fucking metaphysically, but about ninety percent of it lies with enjoying being single and simultaneously hanging out with men. Boys are cool, they listen to cool music, they have opinions that differ from my own, they talk about funny things that don’t occur to me, they lend me their loop pedals to use with my shitty electric guitar and Christmas jumpers when we’re walking home and I’m cold. Sometimes we sleep in the same bed and it’s great, people let down their barriers when the lights are off. But then after a while they want to snuggle. Or they start complementing you too much and finding mean shit you do endearing. It’s frustration at its greatest, not only emotionally for me, but physically and sexually for them.

So am I a tease? Am I some sort of cold hearted tramp for hanging out with these boys and then being surprised when they announce that they want to do this on a permanent, romantic basis? Maybe I am; sometimes I walk around in a bra, because that’s what I do with my friends; sometimes I tease them and laugh at their jokes, because that’s what I do with my friends. But when you put this underlying context on these situations that is apparently inherent in this society regardless of your lack of knowledge surrounding it, suddenly I feel like a whore. But how was I to know? How was I to know it was possible for someone to like me as a person? Who was I to think that someone might look at me and feel infatuation or lust or love? I’m just this wacky girl with a home haircut. And I don’t want a relationship, I want a good fuck and an easy goodbye, and I want the people I really like to stick around and not have our friendship fucked up by sex and feelings and lame jazz like that. Some people are shit and I am one of them.

1 comment:

  1. The only way to keep a friendship unadulterated, I think, is to keep it at arms length. We are all weak in different ways and your strengths (like being ok with a good fuck and an easy goodbye) may play to your disadvantage, too. Ask me - I should know.

    xx
    LuLu

    ReplyDelete

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