Tuesday, November 19, 2013

what if... i'm wasting my time with the wrong guy?

Photo via: hopalila

This story began about four years ago. One night I got a text message from this one boy. Just asking me what I was doing. Nothing special. The boy used to date one of my close friends at that time, but they didn't anymore. I had never thought of the boy in that way before, he was just another face in my school. In fact, I was secretly in love with another boy at the time (although I knew that love story would never be true). But I texted him back and so it started. I got my first and so far only boyfriend.

After a while we fell in love, one of us faster than the other. The years went by; he became my best (and perhaps only) friend. Most of my other relationships ran out in the sand. But I was happy with him. I loved him.

I really don't know where it all went wrong. Maybe it was wrong all the way from the beginning (I was still in love with another boy when we first started seeing each other). Maybe it wasn't. I don't know. But I do know one thing: This is not right. Not for me anyways..

The worst part is that he seems perfectly fine with our relationship. He's happy. Most of the time I'm not. Right now I only see him on weekends and I know that's supposed to be a bad thing, but in fact I'm a bit relieved. I don't miss him when he's away. I know I should but I don't. When he calls me and tells me how much he loves me and misses me I automatically repeat: "Love you too. Miss you too". What else is there to say?

I've even cheated on him. Not only once. It has happened at least three times. In my defense I was very drunk. And it was only kissing. (Although that's not an excuse.) I haven't told him and I don't have the heart to tell him. I know how sad and disappointed he would be. But I felt more free being with these random guys than being with him. I felt more like myself. After one of these nights I spent with another guy he was at home waiting for me; worried about me and angry with me for not answering my phone.

He's supposed to move in with me in a few weeks and I don't know if I can take that. He already spends the weekends at my place and that's (in my opinion) more than enough. But we've been together for four years now so I guess that's the natural thing to do. I just have this ache in my heart. What if? What if we're not meant to be together? What if my soul mate is out there and I'm wasting my time with the wrong guy?

Of course it's not all bad. We have a lot of fun when we're together. He's really the sweetest and kindest guy I've ever met. But something isn't right. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to stay with him either. And I know that we can't just be friends. That's not who we are.

I don't know how to tell him that I want to break up. I don't want to hurt him. Instead I'm hurting myself.

Last night I went out dancing and I ended up talking with this really nice guy. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him without giving it a second thought. He walked me home and we hugged goodnight. I'm not saying I want to be with him instead; my point is that it was nice just talking to another guy about random stuff. Whatever.

I feel like shit. I know I'm treating my boyfriend really bad without him even knowing it. I don't know what to do.


  1. I think you should re-read what you just wrote because it seems clear what you want to do. Have some respect for yourself and your boyfriend and break up with him, youve been together for 4 years,its time he should move on when it's clear you want to be with someone else.

  2. sounds oh so familiar...I've been with mine for almost 4 years as well and have the exact same thoughts. The only difference is that it's not quite four and that we've lived together for more than 3. It got too serious too fast, and I'm not sure that I'd be happier without him. I've learned so much and have had so much fun with him and continue to every day.

    Who knows??

  3. You were cheating your bf even when you weren't cheating on him. In my opinion, you should either talk to him about your feelings and thoughts and give it enough of a chance to change and make it better or just break up with him but don't tell him all your dirty secrets - just enough to let him know why the break up. I was in that position before and I never talked to him about my problems and that was the stupidest and THE worst mistake ever. I'm with him again after a very complicated process and that is still the worst mistake ever,

  4. i think you didn't quit yet because you are afraid of being alone ...

  5. 1. Don't move in with someone if it does not feel right for you. Don't do things that are not right for you. Just tell him that you are not ready, that you love him (?) and that you will be ready to take that step, but not right now.
    2. ...that is; if you want to try to solve things and keep being together with him. Then I think you should tell him that you have been kissing other boys. Most of the people would not want to hear it - but at least you're being honest which is one of the most important things if you are being in an exclusive relationship with someone.
    3. If you don't want to be with him - then break up with him asap! He deserves better. In my opinion - if you're breaking up with him there is no need to tell him about the cheating because that only matter if you are continuing together. Otherwise it will probably just make him hate you.
    4. ...and if you, in a couple of months, feel that you can't live without each other, tell him. Make sure you are 100% so you don't hurt him again.

    I have been just like what you wrote, and now I have met this really great guy even though I am not ready for it. I told him that and that I want to take things slow. I know I will not hurt him or cheat on him (maybe I got older and realised it is a cowardly and very disrespectful thing to do. Deal with things, break up.) and if things get bad in a couple of years I hope we try to find a solution together, not with other people.

  6. He's probably cheating on you too and you don't even know cos you sound like a selfish bitch.

  7. You say 'what if i'm wasting my time with the wrong guy'. I say 'he's probably wasting time with the wrong girl'. Let him go.

  8. from everything you said, i think it's more than obvious you're not right for each other. let him go.

  9. This is not true love.. and that should be everyone's final goal.

  10. Boy, can I relate. Don't worry about the negative comments.
    Please let him go and move on. As you get older you will realize how short life really is.
    Good Luck!

  11. You can't have your cake and eat it my dear. If it was right, this post wouldn't exist... side note: best breakup book EVER- check it out.


  12. Really think about it before you do anything. I was in the same boat except I never cheated in any way. Once you push him away, sometimes there's no going back. Question how you would feel if you found out he was seeing, engaged and then married to someone else. That heartbreak is something that will take your breath away.

  13. this makes me feel sick.. if my boyfriend had these feelings and did these things behind my back i would be mortified..

    he deserves to be told the truth.. give him respect

  14. That's sometimes the problem with a girl A guy will do everything to treat you right and will be kind to you but all you do is hurt him saying you love him but you don't! I mean what's your problem accepting the one who loves you unconditionally? Don't regret later.

    I've been that sweet guy to someone and you've no idea how much hurt I'm going through at this moment writing this. I'm so sorry if my words hurt you but please, don't lose him if you know he loves you honestly and with all he has got!

  15. http://findingmyownvoice7.blogspot.com/
    i think yould tell him what's going on, because in the end it's going to hurt him if you don't.

  16. You clearly not into your bf so my advice is to break up with him in public like a coffee shop or something because he will take it badly. You don't have to tell him about your cheating ways because it will hurt him so badly much more so if you say it when you dump him. Also without sounding too harsh you're actually being quite selfish, to me it seems you are afraid of being alone and not sure if the next guy will be any good and you may regret leaving him. That's no way to live a life and no way to treat someone else. Get out of this relationship since it;s clear it's over for you and go live your life. It will be bumpy but you will also experience other wonderful things.

  17. I was like you honni,
    I did it for 6 years thinking that it was all going to be okay if I could just buy a house, a cat, having children. Luckly i didnt get as far as the children and I was so numb with my whole relationship that I finally cheated on him and woke up to myself.

    You actually only live once! If you dont do things for yourself then you are going to regret your whole life! You already know the answer deep down inside!

  18. I had the same feeling with my ex, I've felt so much more like myself since breaking it off with him. He's a lovely guy, so so sweet but he wasn't the one for me anymore and since I've loved the freedom and i've learnt from what I want and don't want anymore in a relationship. I promise you you will feel so much better


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