Thursday, October 3, 2013
the heart doesn’t forget
Photo via: Anastasia Glebova
You are my first love and how I've loved you so. Tall and fair, with long slender fingers and large palms that you would curl around my small hands. I would often look at my hands and think I only want to do good with these, a surgeon’s hands one day perhaps but if I am honest when I’ve looked at them over the past two years I see nothing but the things I have destroyed…the one thing I still love,
I still haven’t figured out why I left after nearly seven years of love and friendship, and I think about it everyday.
I think about you everyday.
I miss the small things like laying on the floor of your parent’s lounge cackling as you would tickle me to keep the uncontrollable laughter going. I miss your silly wave and that face you make, especially the time you made it in the yoga class I dragged you too. You looked so out of place…all muscle and limbs then while in a side plank position threading one arm under the other I turn to see you do that silly wave and pull a face so I laughed. The instructor saw it and laughed, all three of us looking like goofs. It was a perfect silly moment, and it was a moment I took for granted.
I took you for granted.
I’m not writing this letter with any intention other than to say what I wanted to say all summer but pride and fear just wouldn’t allow it.
I still want you; I will probably always want you.
I think you are the bee’s knees, the honey on my peanut butter vogels, and the smile that warms my heart whenever I think of one of the many silly moments we had.
I still think about the slightly asymmetrical space on your left chest where I thought my babies would lie and while that reality became a distant memory in the wake of all my hurt, anger and general self-destructive behaviour I have never stopped loving you. I know in the last year we were together there weren’t many silly moments as I worked too hard, and worried too much about getting into med school but please know that even then you were still the one for me. I have started to accept that I lost sight of what was important, that I forgot in order to love another we must first love ourselves and I forgot the promise I made to you in my love letter all those years ago.
To love you with all my heart forever and always…
The thing is the heart doesn’t forget, it’s not clouded by ambitions or fear it just feels and this is what mine feels.
So there you are,
You have my love forever and always. Regardless of the oceans that now divide us, I will always care for you. Be safe.
(And yes I’m a donkey… a real rear-end it would seem)