Tuesday, August 27, 2013

where to from here...

Photo via: shuttermaki

We met in my first year of university. His third year. At first it was nothing but a casual bar hookup. We never spoke other than in a drunk party setting. I never thought anything of it and never imagined we would end up where we are now. He was that guy I always came back to, for some reason. I didn't think I liked him but something kept bringing me back, and I was completely oblivious to it at the time.

Summertime approached and being from separate cities, we didn't speak all summer. I didn't care, I didn't like him.

My second year began and this is where things started to change. I still didn't have feelings for this guy but even after a summer of not speaking, we fell right back into the same old habit of ours. No words spoken aside from the casual chat at the bar and maybe the next morning. But over time I noticed a change. I started to feel that little glow in my heart every time we talked or embraced or held hands. It was like this secret love affair we were having with each other because I know he felt it too, but we wouldn't admit it to ourselves.

Still the year went on and these feelings got stronger, I started caring. I had never really cared before and it was a scary thing. I didn't know how to react, I had no ties on this guy, he was only my bar hookup, but something unexplainable always brought us together. We always had so much fun together and we grew to be great friends. Being two of the biggest introverts I know, neither of us ever broke down our walls to talk about it with each other, let alone our friends. We hid the feelings because I don't think either of us really understood what we were feeling.

Finally the year came to an end and again, we were in separate cities for the summer. Back to the usual routine of not talking because we were distracted by friends, family and fun activities.

Enter my third year of university, and again, it was like this energy that exists between the two of us, like two magnets, pulling us together. This is when I knew I really cared and had accepted the feelings but was still too scared to admit them to him. I had never let myself be vulnerable, I'm honestly so afraid of getting hurt, so I went on for so long not giving in. Eating myself up inside with millions of thoughts swirling around my head. All I wanted was to tell him how I felt but I let fear get the best of me until the last semester of the year… his final semester before graduation.

I finally came to my senses, realizing I was running out of time and let my feelings escape. He felt the same way. I was relieved and happier than I have ever been. We fell into this kind of love I can't even explain. It's like we had loved each other for so long before admitting it that it took no time at all for us to get as close as ever. It was easy and comfortable, we fit so well together, he was perfect for me and I perfect for him.

Third year ended, he graduated and we were lucky enough to finally be living in the same city, working for the summertime. It was all so perfect except for the fact that he was planning on jetting off to the the UK for school come September. I knew this going into the summer, but I took the risk. I knew that spending the summer with him would make our love that much stronger, I knew I would be so deeply in love and that it was going to come to an end, and I'm happy I took the risk, because after living my life fearful of feeling emotion for so long, I finally learned that its not worth it to hide from it. Give in, because you honestly only have so much time to experience it all, life's too short.

So after what was probably the most amazing summer of my life, it is finally coming to an end. We part ways in a weeks time and our goodbye is getting closer and closer.

I think the hardest part is realizing that our love is coming to an end not because we feel any differently, but because it simply won't work with the distance. He is going off to explore the world and I am going back to my final year of university. We are in two completely different places in life and that is what is pulling us apart.

How do you prepare yourself for the worst heartbreak ever? I'm sitting here counting down the days until my heart rips in two. I know I did this to myself, by living in the same city as him and letting myself fall deeper and deeper into love, but its still going to be the hardest, most impossible thing to get over him.

The issue is I don't want to get over him, I don't want to be with anyone else, but who knows when we will ever be in the same city again. I'm trying to be realistic and accept the fact that it simply won't work, but at the same time I think to myself, if it was worth it to take the risk this summer, why the hell wouldn't it be worth it to fight for what we have. I'm at this crossroads and I don't know where to go from here. Our time together is quickly coming to and end and I have no idea what to do.

I guess only time will tell, but that's the worst part of it all, not knowing, and letting the pieces fall where they may.
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