Wednesday, August 7, 2013

thanks for the lesson

LE LOVE BLOG LOVE PHOTO PIC IMAGE LOVE LESSON LEARNED Untitled by Marija Strajnic, on Flickr
Photo via: Marija Strajnic

I've been in California for a little less than a month now. Everything is still so surreal, but the one thing I know is that I'm still lonely. I knew I would be. If I've learned anything at all, it's that our problems follow us wherever we go. I'm not saying I'm unhappy, it's just that being in a new place makes you want to explore with someone you love and when you don't have someone, their absence is magnified. In my case, I miss you (or most likely just the thought of you) in my quiet times when I'm not trying to catch the train or plan a weekend activity; mostly when I'm walking the city or looking at a particularly beautiful view of the Bay. And I think my mind only drifts to you because there hasn't been anyone else, even though our relationship never encountered comparable beautiful moments in its short and uneventful time span. I go to you because there is no one else to go to and, because of that, I romanticize you unfairly.

I toyed with the idea of online dating again, just to meet new people in the area. Last night, I finally did it, but I'm pessimistic. Isn't it sad that I was just hoping to see your face? The face that broke my heart almost immediately and kept breaking it continuously for more than a year? I guess that's what selfishness does; not just on your part, but on mine as well. Nothing good at all came from what happened to us (or what happened to me), but I still see your face and care about what you think of me. How does that work? How does someone with a child, a daughter no less, do that to a woman? I was under the assumption that a single father with a young daughter may have some heightened awareness as to the impact of their actions in regards to the opposite sex, but I assumed wrong. I just pray (and I don't ever pray) that no man ever treats your daughter like you treated me because it would break her heart and make her cry. I'm someone's daughter if that puts anything into perspective for you.

So yes, I fell for you. Not hard or head over feet, but I fell accordingly. I fell responding to the actions and signals you put out there for me to reciprocate. I'd fallen harder and more passionately and wildly before, but I was growing up and liked the comfort of what you laid down for me. But the exact hour I rested my guard down, you slipped out the floor from underneath me. For the next year, I grappled to restore my footing and create a stable foundation for myself yet again. I tried to date and date like it was the latest hipster trend just to forget you, but I cut everyone out the moment I realized I was just trying to mask the hurt I carried. So I stayed alone. There was really no point if I wouldn't give anyone their rightful chance. I think I might still be at that point, but hopefully just a little less so. For my sake at least. There's still something in me that has optimism. I mean, there must be since I decided to move 3,100 miles away. That must say something, right?

Goodbye and take care. I doubt I shall ever hear from you again, let alone see your face again. I know you moved on ages ago since, from your perspective, you didn't have much to move on from. You may even be seeing someone since you decided to stop responding to me and made up excuses on how you never received my messages. And the fact that you couldn't say goodbye to me. I think that may have broke my heart all over again. I didn't just move to a new apartment, I moved across the country and you couldn't say goodbye. Two-weeks notice and I barely heard from you. I can't really say I expected any different. It followed perfectly the path our foundation laid out -- no proper goodbye, no closure, no nothing. The last image I have of you is walking away from me without so much as a wave. I think then I knew that it'd be the last time. It's fitting now.

If you ever read this, I hope this finds you well and happy and content in life. I hope you are better able to deal with life's low blows and swift kicks; I sure hope I am. Either way, take care. Thanks for the lesson.

8 comments:

  1. This is the most pure thing I've read in ages. You don't need but deserve someone who will be there when the day is done. Under the same sun, two, together.

    It is what you deserve. <3 Big hugs and you are strong for letting go and moving go

    It hurts like ************** but you can do it by doing it by accepting it all. I wish you all the best and my hope's on you.

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  2. Wow, this breaks my heart so badly. But you sound like an amazingly strong person. The way he just left you means he doesn't deserve you one bit. You deserve something a million times better.

    The day will come when the true one comes and puts everything into perspective, and make you so happy that things didn't work out with this guy. He is out there waiting to meet you. Stay strong and hopeful.

    Much Love, Elle

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  3. What can I say? I just identified with many parts of your story... And, in the way I see it, if he left you and broke your heart, you should know that he it wasn't just meant to be and I'm sure you'll find someone even better that will make the sun in California shine much more when that person is with you or that will make rainy days cute and sexy, and not boring (if they usually are for you).
    You'll be awesomely fine!Wish you the best :)

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  4. Barney Stinson: New is always better! True story!

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  5. This is actually very close to my story. Dated a girl I thought I was going to marry... she broke things off unexpectedly and just gave up. I never got a reason why, though I asked. Now I'm moving in a few weeks to the Northwest (from the east coast)... doubt I'll ever hear from her again. But I'm hoping I'm a stronger person as a result.

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  6. Wow, this is scary. I'm from Europe, I was in the states for vacation and met somebody. I am now scared all the time that he will soon forget all about me even though we still keep in touch and he writes the sweetest things. He is a single father with a young daughter too. I hope he is not a heartbreaker, but something inside me knows he is.

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  7. I feel such sadness when I read this, it takes me through the emotions of that one breakup, the one I will never forget. As sad as I am I recognize from your words that you are ready to move on, maybe not with someone else just yet but move on with your life and that is a huge step. You have so many exciting moments ahead of you, enjoy them and start looking forward. This letter is your goodbye, now store it away and start anew.

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