Saturday, August 24, 2013

let him in or leave

Photo via: Jackson Warner Lewis

I’ve never been the type to fall in love, not even the type to care about anyone other than myself. I have been hurt so many times that my only defense is to keep my heart guarded, tucked away where no one can merely even touch it, let alone steal it.

These past couple months the loneliness of living in a new city have slowly crept around me, bringing me to this place of almost desperation to feel something, anything, and this is when I met him.

I work in a little café on my college campus. My friends make fun of me that I should just live at work because I am always there, but honestly it’s probably the best decision since I basically spend every waking moment there. There was this boy who would come in every day to eat. At first I just disregarded it because we are the only place on campus that serves real food, I see the same faces daily, but his always stuck out to me. It was months of seeing this boy morning and afternoon that I finally got the courage to talk to him. After a couple conversations he asked for my number.

Our first date was planned to drink wine on the beach, but when he picked me up it was cold and we both agreed that maybe we should skip that so instead we headed back to his place. I sat on his couch surrounded by his roommates talking about life, while drinking wine. Intrigued by his stories… so distracted by his jawline, I found myself staring at him while his roommates were talking to me, embarrassed by this I would quickly turn and look to them, feeling my face slowly become flushed. I explained to them my fear of the ocean, and my vegan diet. After our conversations began to end in awkward silences, he asked if I would like to take a walk. We walked around his apartment complex, the sexual tension increasing between us both. I remember the wind feeling crisp against my face but his warmth was radiating through my body. We finally made it back to his apartment, the wine beginning to hit me. He told his roommates that we were going to be watching a movie, and without a word I followed him through the hallway and into his bedroom. We laid down in his bed and started the movie on monsters of the deep sea (he thought he was funny, yet I was completely terrified). About 5 minutes in he turned my face toward him and I knew that this is what the rest of the night would consist of. He kissed me like no one ever had before, with a sense of passion and grace. Two hours of making out with this stranger of a boy and I realized that It was time for me to go home. I grabbed his face and told him that I don’t date, and he responded with, “I know that, but how about a second one with me.” Feeling uneasy about the whole situation I kissed him goodbye and walked myself home.

I don’t know why he makes me so uneasy, when he kisses me, he kisses me like he has known me his whole life, he kisses me as he is in love with me. When I was laying in his bed he never let go of me, just held me, like I was his to keep.

My usual response would be to run, but this boy is different... and I'm actually scared to find out why. Should I let him in, or should I leave while I am still ahead.


  1. Get to know him enough before you take the plunge. I'm like you, I find it hard to trust boys. Kept my heart guarded for many years. Until he came along. I made sure I got to know him before I decided whether he was right for me. So my advice, get to know him not as a lover, but as a human being.

  2. your writing has such character. feels good to read.

  3. This is a dilemma that almost everyone faces I guess. You finally have to make the tough decision no matter what. Whether to stay or leave. Whatever you choose make sure that you stick by it and keep your head held high. Its difficult at first but make up your mind by writing pros and cons and then make it.

  4. I'm a big fan of going with the flow. Don't over think it! Unless you are so afraid of, or can't handle heartache. I have never had my heart broken in my 29 years, even though I've had quite a few crushes and loves. I have always been the one to end things and, unfortunately, break their hearts. As terrible as it sounds I would grasp for every chance at getting swept off my feet, so maybe I could experience the famous heartbreak too...maybe I'd learn something from it.

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