Thursday, August 15, 2013

flight risk

Photo via: buenaventura marco

I'm 18 and naive. We've only been together for a little over a week and I'm absolutely in love with you. You are my first so I guess I don't really know what love is since there's nothing to compare it to. But I know I'm not the type to say I love someone until I can be sure that I love them flaws and all. Though it's too early to see your flaws yet, the beauty of your personality reassures me that I can love you even after discovering your flaws. That's how I know I really do love you. You are crazy, wild, confident, truthful and most of all... selfless.

But here's the twist in this perfect fairytale. Because nothing really is ever perfect. You're perfect to me, but I'm not. I've warned you about my insecurities and the story of my 'aunty' before we became official. I told you how my uncle was unfaithful towards my aunty, twice, despite being so in love with her, and that she was so broken by it that that she wanted to kill herself. I told you she was like a mother to me, so it really hurt me too. But the truth is, it wasn't my aunty, it was my very own mother. And yes, it was my very own father who did it to her, twice, in a gap of twenty years.

My mother told me how much my father loved her in the beginning, how he pursued her like a crazy person. And how he stabbed himself with a knife in front of her when she wanted to break up. Yet he could be unfaithful. The first time, I wasn't born yet. The second time was last year. I was 17 and I witnessed it all. The way she cried like hell, the way she completely lost it. The way she turned to me for comfort leaving me with no one to turn to. And she told me it hurt more than dying. I cried, so many times, without anyone knowing. It was then that I feared love, I feared relationships. I had a problem trusting boys. I became very pessimistic with the idea of couples. I see them holding hands and I think to myself, 'How long would that last?'. But I hated myself for that. For being so damn pessimistic.

And then you came along. The first time we found out we had mutual feelings for each other, I declined your idea of a relationship. I was scared. But afterwards I realised I really did like you, very very much. And I cried, not for you, but because of you. Because you made me realise I had a problem. I realised I wasn't ever going to let anyone into my life at this rate. I started thinking that I was going to die alone. You gave me another chance and that's when I told you the story of my 'aunty'. Yes I lied, but I didn't want you to think badly about my father if we do end up going really far with our relationship, which I hope we will. Yes he made horrible mistakes but he's still my father. But I still wanted you to somehow understand the extent of my problem.

So we took this precious second chance and became official. And last night was amazing, we had dinner and then you took me back home. You knew my curfew and you respected my mother's wishes without her needing to express them to you. We walked around my neighborhood, climbing up structures, playing in the playground at night, and stargazing around the lake. I saw my first shooting star with you. It was just such perfect timing. We played soccer in the dark with the drink bottles left on the field and then tag, running around like little kids. I hugged you before I went back into the house, and I didn't want to let go, but I had to. I kissed you on the cheek and you kissed me on mine. Our first dinner date, I thought would end with my first kiss. But we left it at that, and I took my bag along with the framed photo of us that you gave to me as a present. I thought I had finally taken my walls down for you.

But today I went for lunch with my mum, we ended up talking about relationships. Her eyes were very vacant, because she was worried about me. I knew she had always wanted me to be in a relationship only until I am in my mid 20's, and so did I. But things like this can't be planned. She was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep a relationship alive for long enough, that I'm starting too early. She said if I was to marry you tomorrow then she wouldn't be as worried. But I told her marriage is just a certificate. I tried to reassure her. There were so many things she worried about. One was you leaving me brokenhearted, at an age when no one will want me anymore. She always told me how men's value increases with age and women's fall, and I understood that. Because we're Asian.

But then there's also something deeper. That was when she brought up her experience with my dad again. How right now the guy will do anything for you until you get married. She told me sternly that if anything ever happens, always remember I have my brothers and her. Because "when you're in the moment, everything is blank." She feared I would want to kill myself. Like she had in the past. Our talk scared me. And it sent my walls shooting up again. And I'm so sorry for that. It's not fair on you. Because it's got nothing to do with anything you have done, or not done. I'm sorry that I have all this sh*t that has happened in my life, making it so hard for me to love you. When it should be easy.

I shouldn't think too much in the future because the anticipation is most likely worse than what I'm actually anticipating. Every now and then I have these moments when I just want to leave you, because I'm scared. I'm a flight-risk. But I know I never could just leave you. I'm scared to show you that I love you but you seem to understand me and accept it, which makes me love you even more. And I want to say I'm sorry. For being so messed up. Sorry that I can't love you the way you love me. I hope I'm strong enough to get pass all this, that I don't ruin this beautiful thing that we have, and that one day I can truly love you the way you deserve to be loved.
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