Saturday, August 17, 2013
a letter of hope, of desire
Photo via: Lisa Smit
I wanted to share with you a goodbye/love letter I got from a very special guy I met on my exchange in England. He wrote this a couple weeks before I left. I will never do him justice, or what he did for me, so the least I could do is show like this what a wonderful person he has been.
My Dearest D,
This is a letter of hope, of desire. Of course there are things that could have been different but life isn't perfect. I hope you think I was good to you, or at very least tried my hardest to be. I think I was, I think I will have no regrets when you leave about the way I acted and the way things played out. I know I will look over these times fondly years after they've gone by. I hope you know I never lied to you about how I felt at the time and about the way things were, and I don't intend to start now.
You're an amazing and beautiful person; I really hope you know that. I see through the way you delicately poke and prod at a character. You don't wish to cause any pain, I'm sure of that at least. You're a fixer like me; you're pretty good at it too. The thing I most wish is that I could find a way to undo the wrongs people have done to you and the things they've said that have caused you to get this impression of yourself which simply isn't true, the process you've started for me, and the process I feel I could help you with too if we had more time, I possibly could tease a little more out of your closed box that I get the impression you’re ready to open up to someone.
It seems as though you're afraid of letting someone get close to you because you're not sure they'll like what they find. I feel so special that I know how to make you feel relaxed and comfortable enough that I've seen the essences of you in those moments, and I fell in love with you a bit D, I'm sure you know that. You aren't a bad person, in fact you're such a good person that you're worried about upsetting someone if they hold what you would believe is a false image of you as a beautiful and kind person. But it isn't a false image, it is what I will always believe to be your true authentic self because you may not be aware, but you can't help but show it even when you're trying your hardest not to.
I'm not saying you're perfect, nobody is perfect and anyone would be very dull if they were, but you tick a lot of boxes, put it that way if you want. I would be so proud to call you my girlfriend, I would be proud to always look out for you and be the one you cry into when you're upset, the one who looks after you when you're ill, the one who you shout at and scald when you're upset and the one who always vouches for you no matter what happens. Am I just some desperate romantic fool? Oh, probably yes, but I hope you know these words are the truest words I can leave you with.
Do you know the definition of "darling" and why I call you that?
1. A dearly beloved person
2. One that is greatly liked or preferred; a favourite
You've got to realise that people will hold you in this light as you walk through life, dealing with it isn't easy, I don't deal with it at all well. But just know you deserve it. You're amazing D my darling, please keep this letter to remind you of that, and to remind you that we were once sweethearts so that when were both grown up, successful and happy we'll find each other again and be such simple, honest and beautiful strangers in such a chaotic and overbearing world.
And with regards to myself, you've instilled a lasting confidence in me somehow… I'm not sure what you did, perhaps nothing, maybe I'm too blind to see. Maybe it was just my confidence in that you'd be able to do that for me. All I know is that there was a great deal of pain, which you were there to cause and to remedy. You took me into a very vulnerable state of mind perhaps, a state of mind I had to pick myself up and move on from in order to get on with my life, get on with myself.
During this time I talked about things I've never spoken about with anyone else and you were such a good person for me in that way, so I will always cherish that and I hope to find someone who I can share such relaxation, joy and pallet with again at some point. Although I am quick to care, I am not so quick to trust, so know you are very special in seeing that side of me, as I know I am special in the same way to you.
With the greatest admiration,
(a.k.a. Your Mattymatster)
"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music"- Søren Kierkegaard