Thursday, July 18, 2013

taking a step back

ph: reader submission

I was trying to get some face time with you today, but you were not having it, you, and work, and your laundry, and whatever. 

So I'm writing you an e-mail, not because I can't talk to your face, just because you won't let me talk to your face and I gotta get some words out.

A good friend, last night was here until 3am talking. I saw an entirely different side to her last night, she is dealing with stuff, (not really the point) but she said she wants to be more open, she is sick of being a girl who builds walls and doesn't let people in, and then she said-
"I want to be like you McKay, wear my heart on my sleeve and not be afraid to show my feelings."

And it struck something in me, that is true, that is what I am! That's what I stand for! That is why I love King Charles! That is what makes me so dang wonderful!!
But recently (the past 3 week-ish) I feel like I have been suppressing a lot of that.

What Am I talking about?!

Aaron, you are my dear friend, you know me quite well, some days I think you know me too well. (Other days I think you have me completely wrong, and need to take a chill pill)  So when I say "I like you" like I "LIKE, like you" that shouldn't be a surprise. I do, I like you.  

Like, I like you like, Lance at Macaroni Grill doesn't stand a chance up against you. I'm not crazy, I don't want to run away and marry you, but I would love to see what it is like to date you. You being happy is oddly so important to me, I think the world of your crazy dramatic self. When our Teacher Mr Snow speaks up in class about how 'that Aaron is a great guy' I just think 'yeah, you have no idea.'

But I have been playing 'cool beans' to you, to myself, to anyone who asks about it. To my Mom's little high voice of "Why don't you date him?!"

I don't say anything because I am content with the way things are with you and I, easygoing and great.
But when it comes down to it, after a great Saturday with you I still go home to be alone, at the end of the day, what you and I have is not much more then what my roommates and I have.

When I picture my life 2 months from now and if I'm still doing what I'm doing, spending loads of free time with a guy who sees me as a close friend, it would be somewhat pathetic on my part.

But I avoid talking about it because I already know how you feel, you told me a while ago that's not what you want.

And if your feelings had changed something would have changed with us.
Then I don't want to loose you as a friend so I play cool beans, and I go with the flow, and as a result the 'wear my heart on my sleeve'  side of me has been suppressed. (I'm so dramatic!)

So I don't have much to say as a 'in conclusion'
just this: I like you, and I'm going to be taking a step back. Finding better ways to spend my time/emotion.

But, just a step, I still want to see you, I want to be able to sit on the same bench at church as you and Bryan  I want to hang out and laugh like crazy when Drew is in town, I want to hear your voice upstairs and run up and hangout. I don't see any of that changing. And I don't see that being a problem. 

But no more bonding with my family, no more making dinner at your place, no more really clever/funny texts, no gay parties, no more late nights of getting high on gas at the covey, no more summer convertible drives. You, are unintentionally leading me on, and I am unintentionally falling for it.

Ah hell, it is 4am I gotta go to bed.
I need to give you back these keys, maybe I'll hang them in your garage if I don't see you soon.

Oh! and one more thing, I hid your journal in your bed when I was editing the movie because it was staring at me in the face and I was going to read it. So I shoved it under your blanket so I wouldn't read it. 

Sorry if that confused you, I was thinking about that later and how funny that would be for you to find that in your bed.
I DIDN'T READ IT!! ok?!?

Thanks for being a solid friend in my life,
You are the greatest.


*A portion of this post was edited and removed at the request of the submitter.


  1. This is so sad and heartbreaking. I will never understand how someone can be scared to the point of losing an amazing and rare person in their life due to the fear of commitment. I hope he wakes up and realizes he loves you, or else he will possibly regret it and it will be too late.

    I wish you the best of luck. You deserve someone who loves you honestly and truly and who won't run away because he's scared. I am sure life will reward you with someone special.

  2. This is harsh, but it's not sad or heartbreaking. It's inspiring and warming, it's brave. Of you both. And honest.

  3. Aaron is a douche.
    A smart douche, with a way with words, the worst kind of douche.

    "and I honestly wish things could be different for me, because you are definitely a rare person- one I for sure want in my collection"


    Mickey or McKay or whatever sounds like a very nice girl. I hope she doesnt fall for his nice "Oh pity me, i have a commitment problem and im actually a douche but i wanna come out as a nice guy and keep the window open so ur on standby anytime i want you" words.

    1. agree. looks like manipulation.

    2. This was posted without my consent. That email contains deeply personal and vulnerable insights that were only intended for McKay, and are not up for public debate. Almost every phrase in my response is laced with experiences and jokes explicitly related to mine and McKays relationship. It's rather foolish to assume ones character and intentions based off one email exchange. My history (that has long since passed) with McKay is so much deeper than what this post could ever relate. Your judgements are harsh, and inaccurate. I was honest. I reluctantly lost someone I care about, but only for her benefit. She has moved on, and found herself happy in her relationships following our "step back."

      To the author of this blog: please remove my portion of this post.


  4. aaron - i'm sorry that someone judged you , that is incredibly frustrating . i am also sorry that i your email was exposed without your knowledge - i read this post innocently and i just wanted to tell you ( having been in a position very similar to mckay with a pretty incredible guy similar to how mckay decsribes you ) that your e-mail was incredibly touching and kind and extremely brave - and i never thought for a second you were a douche. i just thought you should know and i am sorry you had to read that harsh comment - it reflects more on the person who wrote it , and not at all on you . wish you all the best. it is one of the hardest and unselfish things in the world to let go of a friend you care so much about , for their happiness.

  5. This breaks my heart because I'm in the same situation McKay was. I like someone who I'm just friends with. I could easily see myself writing the same kind of email as she did. But I can only see "my Aaron" responding the same way he did. No story is identical but thank you for sharing. Me, and my commitment issues, are seeing clearer now. I don't know what my solution will be but reading this brought me courage to maybe say something out loud in the open one day. THANK YOU, i really hope you find your happiness!


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