Thursday, July 18, 2013
taking a step back
ph: reader submission
I was trying to get some face time with you today, but you were not having it, you, and work, and your laundry, and whatever.
So I'm writing you an e-mail, not because I can't talk to your face, just because you won't let me talk to your face and I gotta get some words out.
A good friend, last night was here until 3am talking. I saw an entirely different side to her last night, she is dealing with stuff, (not really the point) but she said she wants to be more open, she is sick of being a girl who builds walls and doesn't let people in, and then she said-
"I want to be like you McKay, wear my heart on my sleeve and not be afraid to show my feelings."
And it struck something in me, that is true, that is what I am! That's what I stand for! That is why I love King Charles! That is what makes me so dang wonderful!!
But recently (the past 3 week-ish) I feel like I have been suppressing a lot of that.
What Am I talking about?!
Aaron, you are my dear friend, you know me quite well, some days I think you know me too well. (Other days I think you have me completely wrong, and need to take a chill pill) So when I say "I like you" like I "LIKE, like you" that shouldn't be a surprise. I do, I like you.
Like, I like you like, Lance at Macaroni Grill doesn't stand a chance up against you. I'm not crazy, I don't want to run away and marry you, but I would love to see what it is like to date you. You being happy is oddly so important to me, I think the world of your crazy dramatic self. When our Teacher Mr Snow speaks up in class about how 'that Aaron is a great guy' I just think 'yeah, you have no idea.'
But I have been playing 'cool beans' to you, to myself, to anyone who asks about it. To my Mom's little high voice of "Why don't you date him?!"
I don't say anything because I am content with the way things are with you and I, easygoing and great.
But when it comes down to it, after a great Saturday with you I still go home to be alone, at the end of the day, what you and I have is not much more then what my roommates and I have.
When I picture my life 2 months from now and if I'm still doing what I'm doing, spending loads of free time with a guy who sees me as a close friend, it would be somewhat pathetic on my part.
But I avoid talking about it because I already know how you feel, you told me a while ago that's not what you want.
And if your feelings had changed something would have changed with us.
Then I don't want to loose you as a friend so I play cool beans, and I go with the flow, and as a result the 'wear my heart on my sleeve' side of me has been suppressed. (I'm so dramatic!)
So I don't have much to say as a 'in conclusion'
just this: I like you, and I'm going to be taking a step back. Finding better ways to spend my time/emotion.
But, just a step, I still want to see you, I want to be able to sit on the same bench at church as you and Bryan I want to hang out and laugh like crazy when Drew is in town, I want to hear your voice upstairs and run up and hangout. I don't see any of that changing. And I don't see that being a problem.
But no more bonding with my family, no more making dinner at your place, no more really clever/funny texts, no gay parties, no more late nights of getting high on gas at the covey, no more summer convertible drives. You, are unintentionally leading me on, and I am unintentionally falling for it.
Ah hell, it is 4am I gotta go to bed.
I need to give you back these keys, maybe I'll hang them in your garage if I don't see you soon.
Oh! and one more thing, I hid your journal in your bed when I was editing the movie because it was staring at me in the face and I was going to read it. So I shoved it under your blanket so I wouldn't read it.
Sorry if that confused you, I was thinking about that later and how funny that would be for you to find that in your bed.
I DIDN'T READ IT!! ok?!?
Thanks for being a solid friend in my life,
You are the greatest.
*A portion of this post was edited and removed at the request of the submitter.