Monday, July 29, 2013

hate me only for a moment

ph: Margaret Durow

I still didn't send it to him... I just can't. I do not know if I should, I'm so scared that I can loose him. I really don't know what to do and have nobody to tell about what I did. Please, help me. And don't call me a bitch, I already know who I am...

I've always loved our e-mails. I wrote and erased this one thousand times, if you got it, it means that finally somehow i pressed a "send" bottom.
I'm so fucking sorry that I am the one who destroyed it.

I have never been in love so much I'm with you, you know it. You taught me to always be honest, I can't imagine lying to you or having some secrets, how could we have then our favourite and truly honest talks in the bed?

X, I cheated on you. That is horrible and I hardly wrote those words but I did. I know everything can happen now, you will hate me but you matter too much to me and I don't want to ever lie to you. I'm sure you think now how stupid I am, how can I tell you I love you and do those things at the same time. And I know it's not an excuse but I was drunk, totally drunk, as I used to be always before. You probably never believe me, I don't know how you feel when you are drunk but I completely loose my mind, I didn't know what was going on I just remember the moment I was dancing, then my film was over and I just woke up in the morning and then realized. People say that it is not possible to loose control, that you always have to be at least a bit conscious. But I really was not. Yes, I feel like a whore. I can't eat or sleep, I can't look in the mirror. You know that everything about us is perfect for me that I love you, don't miss anything in you so that what I did was absolutely not intentional. I know you are there a very good boy for me, and every time people are laughing of how naive I am, I'm just sure you are totally faithful for me. People say that when you cheat on somebody it is because you miss something in your relationship, I don't and you know that. It makes it harder now, that there was not any purpose in it, just a horribly stupid mistake which gonna cost me a lot. I would just like to put everything on alcohol because it was really and only because of it but I know it doesn't work this way.

I will never forgive myself that, with this stupid thing I can loose everything I have, everything I really love and the person I could give all my world to. But I ask, I beg you for forgiveness. I can't loose you, X.

I know this mail can ruin it all. I ruined everything. I was planning our coming back together so much, always thinking about it before sleeping how great it will be when I come to you and the feeling that I was really waiting for you for all this time and you will get your beloved girl back. And we are just in the end of that and I fucked it up now.

I didn't know if I should write this mail, call you, wait with telling you until we meet or just leave it. Firstly yes, I wanted to leave it, to forget about it as soon as possible. I know it would hurt you so much and I didn't want it. But how can I tell you I LOVE YOU, how can I read messages from you that I am your dream girl, how can I talk with you and pretend that nothing has happened?! Mistake is one thing, but lying is another. I really want to stay with you forever and I can't build it on a lie. I know you are having tough time with your own problems. Maybe if I would leave it to myself then only I would be the one hurt because "the less you know the happiest you are" but I can't live with lies with you. I couldn't look in your eyes if I wouldn't have told you that. X, I really do think we are created to each other, so many times you wrote me I'm this girl. I hope now and pray for you to forgive me, I believe that if it's mean to be it will last. And maybe I'm naive, as always but I believe you can forgive me that and we can start again and it will make us stronger. Actually I can't even imagine you could leave me. I feel like I won't be able to live again.

I have never thought I would be in the situation as your friend Y was, please X, forgive me. You are the love of my life and you always will be. I hope that by looking at his situation you can see that he is in love all the time with his girlfriend.

What I can promise you, if you only want to listen to me now - I will quit it. I will never drink alcohol again. It already did too many bad things in my life. You asked me what happened with my dad, it was also the alcohol which took him from me. Please, I don't want to loose you as well. It will never happen again!

Please babe, hate me only for a moment, babe please... it's killing me. And please, believe me that I love you, I love you the most in the world.

I just can say that I am really sorry. Breaking your heart was the last thing I ever wanted to do. Please, stay with me.

I love you,
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