Monday, July 29, 2013

hate me only for a moment

Untitled
ph: Margaret Durow

I still didn't send it to him... I just can't. I do not know if I should, I'm so scared that I can loose him. I really don't know what to do and have nobody to tell about what I did. Please, help me. And don't call me a bitch, I already know who I am...

I've always loved our e-mails. I wrote and erased this one thousand times, if you got it, it means that finally somehow i pressed a "send" bottom.
I'm so fucking sorry that I am the one who destroyed it.

I have never been in love so much I'm with you, you know it. You taught me to always be honest, I can't imagine lying to you or having some secrets, how could we have then our favourite and truly honest talks in the bed?

X, I cheated on you. That is horrible and I hardly wrote those words but I did. I know everything can happen now, you will hate me but you matter too much to me and I don't want to ever lie to you. I'm sure you think now how stupid I am, how can I tell you I love you and do those things at the same time. And I know it's not an excuse but I was drunk, totally drunk, as I used to be always before. You probably never believe me, I don't know how you feel when you are drunk but I completely loose my mind, I didn't know what was going on I just remember the moment I was dancing, then my film was over and I just woke up in the morning and then realized. People say that it is not possible to loose control, that you always have to be at least a bit conscious. But I really was not. Yes, I feel like a whore. I can't eat or sleep, I can't look in the mirror. You know that everything about us is perfect for me that I love you, don't miss anything in you so that what I did was absolutely not intentional. I know you are there a very good boy for me, and every time people are laughing of how naive I am, I'm just sure you are totally faithful for me. People say that when you cheat on somebody it is because you miss something in your relationship, I don't and you know that. It makes it harder now, that there was not any purpose in it, just a horribly stupid mistake which gonna cost me a lot. I would just like to put everything on alcohol because it was really and only because of it but I know it doesn't work this way.

I will never forgive myself that, with this stupid thing I can loose everything I have, everything I really love and the person I could give all my world to. But I ask, I beg you for forgiveness. I can't loose you, X.

I know this mail can ruin it all. I ruined everything. I was planning our coming back together so much, always thinking about it before sleeping how great it will be when I come to you and the feeling that I was really waiting for you for all this time and you will get your beloved girl back. And we are just in the end of that and I fucked it up now.

I didn't know if I should write this mail, call you, wait with telling you until we meet or just leave it. Firstly yes, I wanted to leave it, to forget about it as soon as possible. I know it would hurt you so much and I didn't want it. But how can I tell you I LOVE YOU, how can I read messages from you that I am your dream girl, how can I talk with you and pretend that nothing has happened?! Mistake is one thing, but lying is another. I really want to stay with you forever and I can't build it on a lie. I know you are having tough time with your own problems. Maybe if I would leave it to myself then only I would be the one hurt because "the less you know the happiest you are" but I can't live with lies with you. I couldn't look in your eyes if I wouldn't have told you that. X, I really do think we are created to each other, so many times you wrote me I'm this girl. I hope now and pray for you to forgive me, I believe that if it's mean to be it will last. And maybe I'm naive, as always but I believe you can forgive me that and we can start again and it will make us stronger. Actually I can't even imagine you could leave me. I feel like I won't be able to live again.

I have never thought I would be in the situation as your friend Y was, please X, forgive me. You are the love of my life and you always will be. I hope that by looking at his situation you can see that he is in love all the time with his girlfriend.

What I can promise you, if you only want to listen to me now - I will quit it. I will never drink alcohol again. It already did too many bad things in my life. You asked me what happened with my dad, it was also the alcohol which took him from me. Please, I don't want to loose you as well. It will never happen again!

Please babe, hate me only for a moment, babe please... it's killing me. And please, believe me that I love you, I love you the most in the world.

I just can say that I am really sorry. Breaking your heart was the last thing I ever wanted to do. Please, stay with me.

I love you,
Z

19 comments:

  1. Shit happens, I bet you dont even have feelings for the one you kissed when you were drunk. Forget about it and dont ever do it again! I think those things happen so we can open up our eyes and see who are those we really care about! Dont blame yourself too hard!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it was more than a kiss though

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    2. Oh, that sucks :/ she should stop drinking

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  2. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with.
    And I know that love between many things,it's being sincere with the one you love.

    But my advice is, if you love him like you say you do, if you think that there aren't any possibilities for him to discover it, just don't tell him. The love that you have is clean, if you tell him you'll hurt him even if he knows you didn't mean it.

    I know that I am telling you to lie and that it will be hard for you to keep this from him. But I really think that to know something like this,to know that the person you love with all your heart and the person you trust so much did that to you... will always change the way you see him/her.

    He might forgive you, but forget...

    Be strong & good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. hello everyone! Well, thanks so much for posting my text, I didn't expect it so fast here.
    It's more than a week when it had happened... the biggest mistake in my life.
    Yes, you are right, unfortunately it was not only a kiss. This is so horribly disgusting and immature but I woke up in the morning and didn't know what had happend until I asked the boy. And of course I don't feel anything to him, he is not even my type. If loosing control wouldn't had happened to me before I could believe that maybe he had put something into my drink.
    First week was really hard, I couldn't eat nor sleep.
    I have very good contact with my aunt, she noticed that something is wrong with me and I told her about what I did. She told me not to tell him as well. She is older, more experienced, I decided to listen to her. I feel a bit better now, maybe because I told it to somebody, I reliefed myself. I promised myself to never drink at the parties.
    I can't wait to forget about it, clear my minds and live as before... I wonder if it ever happens.
    It's one more month and I will have my man back! I want to be his perfect girl again...
    My advice: if you can't handle something, please, don't do it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Telling your aunt was the right thing to do! Bad things happen and its not the end of the world! You'll be his perfect girl, you still are! Wish u the best

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  4. thank you so much, you really help me. i hope that was a good decision.

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  5. i thought you were incredibly brave to have put all this in writing, but in the comments i see that you are a cheater and now, a liar. i feel sorry for your 'man'. if you respect him, he should be allowed to make a decision about you based on full knowledge of who you are, and what you are capable of doing. peace.

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  6. Everyone makes mistakes. I have fallen victim to a drunk mistake and hurt someone very badly, but I have also been lied to in that same manner, and things ALWAYS have a way of coming out. If the feeling of guilt has not yet passed, you are not going to be able to live with yourself until it is out of your system. You will have days where you will firmly convince yourself "It won't happen again so why should I cause him that pain and lose him over something that was simply a mistake and in the past" then the very next day something will remind you of what you did and that weight will weigh heavy. Karma has a way of ousting secrets, its better he hears it from you then whatever way karma decides to pay a visit. If he hears it or finds out someway and it was not from your own mouth, it will be over in the ugliest possible way.

    Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. Without honesty there is no foundation for trust, without trust, there is no foundation for a relationship.

    Good luck
    -M

    ReplyDelete
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