Wednesday, July 3, 2013
everything I did
I just wish I was brave enough to talk to you.
In my head everything is so messed up, but I'll try my best to explain.
After all this time, I still don't know how to stop remembering our memories and looking for you everywhere I go. I can't stop relating us to every song I hear. I don't know if I miss you, or if I miss having someone. But I don't know if I'll ever feel as comfortable with someone as I was with you.
I miss having you to care about me and to share small things. You were the one I could tell everything, because you were the only one who completely won my trust. And I miss your hug - but I guess you already know that.
I'm sorry I never believed you when you said that there wouldn't be someone who cares about a girl more than you.
I guess it's too naive to think that we could get back together. I ruined it and I don't know how to fix it. I feel really bad about what I did to you. Maybe I was too young to actually be with someone so dedicated to me. I feel sorry about the reason I gave up one us. And it really breaks my heart that we're not together, and that is my entire fault.
I'm afraid I'm gonna tell you all those things and then one day wake up and feel completely different. I'm not sure about anything. I can't assure you a future. That's how I am, and that's how I screwed it all.
I'm also really afraid you are not the same. I'm afraid that I made you change, and you completely erased me. I'm afraid, besides almost sure, you hate me right now - and I hate myself for that. I feel the worst person in the world when I remember everything I did, and the pain you felt because of me. Then I think that you're totally right in hating and avoiding me, and I should move on. But I'm afraid I can't get over you.
If I'm right and you hate me, please do me a favor one last time: hit me hard with your words, in the way only the person who knew me the most can do, so I can't ever look at you again and feel passionate.
But if you're able to forgive, just call me - maybe you still remember my number, just like I never forgot yours - and I promise I will try my best, so things can feel right again. I promise to tell you everything and hear you carefully. I just have to warn you that some things don't change. I can be really moody and I am still insecure.