Sunday, June 23, 2013

the time we did have together

ph: Ashley Lee

I feel the reason I have held on this long was because there was never any real closure. We just argued or ignored each other. Nothing was really done face to face. It's so unreal to me that every fond memory is becoming a haze, and as it slowly fades, I grasp with all my might to hold on to it.

We ended as fast as we started. One day the light was green and the next it was red. We had a lot of good times when things were green. The way you made me feel, I could not possibly forget. You treated me with respect and looked at me in a way no one has ever looked at me before. It was real… at least it felt very real. We had fun and could talk for hours. When we were not doing that, we would just lay. I never felt so comfortable and safe. I could tell you how I was feeling and you would tell me how you were feeling, we were on the same page. Then things changed.

I told you I was developing deeper feelings for you and that I was scared of those feelings because I didn't want to get hurt. I guess this triggered something in you to pull the brakes, and quick. You told me you had feelings too, but that we were bad timing. There is so much you want to do and accomplish and you couldn't serve two masters. Your career was just starting to take off and the time we usually had every week together was now getting taken away due to traveling. On top of that, you were emotionally drained. Your ex did a number on you and you never thought you would like someone or even have a girlfriend so soon. You didn't want to care or be committed to caring. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only was I speechless at first, but confused. I knew the feelings were real and now you were running from them.

We argued for weeks and when you didn't want to hear me talk anymore, you just stopped responding. It drove me crazy and just confused me more. Sometimes out of anger or emotion, I was saying things I definitely didn't mean, or talking in circles that didn't make sense and not relaying what I really wanted to say. I just felt how could someone who says they care about you and not want to hurt you give you the silent treatment and how could you not see that was just making things worse...

Because I am so passionate and caring, and the fact that I don't half ass anything, is the reason why I fight and why I was fighting for you. You were pulling away and I just kept fighting, not giving up. Then one day you wake up and realize you can't fight or even remotely control something you do not have control over. That truth made me really sad and sometimes angry. The truth hurt. The truth that you are not ready and there is nothing that I can possibly do to change your mind. It didn't matter if I am a good person or if I have a good heart or that I am the whole package and if things were good. Your mind was made up and you were going to do you.

We said we would be friends and man am I trying, but you keep pushing me away which just leads to more confusion. Do you now not even want that or is it deeper or maybe more simple that that…. I am not sure and so much energy is just being wasted on the thought.

So here I am after months of going back and forth about you to arrive at this conclusion, that it is time to really let it go. What we had for that short amount of time was real and it was great and that is the hardest thing to say goodbye to because there was so much hope and potential, but it is what is. I've been holding on to this hope because I really believed in you. Maybe one day we really can be friends. Maybe one day things will go back to what they were. Then again, maybe they wont. But what I do know is, that the time we did have together was beautiful and great and ever take that away.
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