Sunday, June 23, 2013

the time we did have together

ph: Ashley Lee

I feel the reason I have held on this long was because there was never any real closure. We just argued or ignored each other. Nothing was really done face to face. It's so unreal to me that every fond memory is becoming a haze, and as it slowly fades, I grasp with all my might to hold on to it.

We ended as fast as we started. One day the light was green and the next it was red. We had a lot of good times when things were green. The way you made me feel, I could not possibly forget. You treated me with respect and looked at me in a way no one has ever looked at me before. It was real… at least it felt very real. We had fun and could talk for hours. When we were not doing that, we would just lay. I never felt so comfortable and safe. I could tell you how I was feeling and you would tell me how you were feeling, we were on the same page. Then things changed.

I told you I was developing deeper feelings for you and that I was scared of those feelings because I didn't want to get hurt. I guess this triggered something in you to pull the brakes, and quick. You told me you had feelings too, but that we were bad timing. There is so much you want to do and accomplish and you couldn't serve two masters. Your career was just starting to take off and the time we usually had every week together was now getting taken away due to traveling. On top of that, you were emotionally drained. Your ex did a number on you and you never thought you would like someone or even have a girlfriend so soon. You didn't want to care or be committed to caring. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only was I speechless at first, but confused. I knew the feelings were real and now you were running from them.

We argued for weeks and when you didn't want to hear me talk anymore, you just stopped responding. It drove me crazy and just confused me more. Sometimes out of anger or emotion, I was saying things I definitely didn't mean, or talking in circles that didn't make sense and not relaying what I really wanted to say. I just felt how could someone who says they care about you and not want to hurt you give you the silent treatment and how could you not see that was just making things worse...

Because I am so passionate and caring, and the fact that I don't half ass anything, is the reason why I fight and why I was fighting for you. You were pulling away and I just kept fighting, not giving up. Then one day you wake up and realize you can't fight or even remotely control something you do not have control over. That truth made me really sad and sometimes angry. The truth hurt. The truth that you are not ready and there is nothing that I can possibly do to change your mind. It didn't matter if I am a good person or if I have a good heart or that I am the whole package and if things were good. Your mind was made up and you were going to do you.

We said we would be friends and man am I trying, but you keep pushing me away which just leads to more confusion. Do you now not even want that or is it deeper or maybe more simple that that…. I am not sure and so much energy is just being wasted on the thought.

So here I am after months of going back and forth about you to arrive at this conclusion, that it is time to really let it go. What we had for that short amount of time was real and it was great and that is the hardest thing to say goodbye to because there was so much hope and potential, but it is what is. I've been holding on to this hope because I really believed in you. Maybe one day we really can be friends. Maybe one day things will go back to what they were. Then again, maybe they wont. But what I do know is, that the time we did have together was beautiful and great and ever take that away.


  1. It hurts so much when you know that the guy has indeed feelings for you, but never shows anything..Have had something familiar, both felt in love, but due to his work he has to be away by the end of July for over 4-5 months (maritime)..Like you, he is pushing me away, but for me this is not a confusion...I want him more than ever..We had a really short time, but full of emotion, hugs and kisses...Safe? Yes, in his arms I was safe...I thought, I am, I can relax, we are real... I just told him yesterday that I would do anything in the world for one more hug or kiss...His answers are so not like him...He is afraid of getting closer to me and have more feelings? The fact now is that he has exams and then he is leaving...Let him go or turn the world upside down just to be with him?

    1. Hello there..i read your reply to the article above and, with all due respect, i strongly believe that if you really love this guy then you should show it him and do whatever it takes to be happy. Make him realize that you'll never hurt him and he can trust you with his heart 'cause deep down you know he has feelings for you. Even if that means turning your world upside down..

    2. He has lack of trust to other..It's really difficult for him to trust anyone..He keeps saying.."find someone who can offer you more than I can offer you"..It hurts so much.....I've shown him that I 'm willing to give him all he wants so that he will be relaxed while he is away, I'm trying everyday to show him how much he means to me...but still he is pushing me away..I decided that even if he leaves without being with me, I will wait for him and communicate everyday..I'm crossing my fingers to make this work..The only problem is that my heart breaks everytime I talk with him and listning the same staff..What makes me feel better? He always says bye bye like the first times we were together..full of emotions..

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    Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Im in a similar position..its as if u wrote my tots

  4. I really like coming here and looking at this blog. There is so much life in these writings and poems. Poems about Life These make your life so much more better I guess. They are finely written posts and so many people enjoy reading them. I am surprised that few people comment. there could be so many comments on each of these posts. thanks for filling life into these posts.
    they are full of life and love.

  5. I have been in a situation very much like this & after so much holding on I finally 'Let Go'. I didn't want to but I did. It was the best thing I have done. I found that by letting go I was lighter in myself. By letting go I realised that 'we don't own anyone & no one own's us'. I let go of bad feelings about the relationship & about myself. All that was left was the love I still had. It made me so happy to be able to feel the love so much stronger even after so long. Thanks for sharing X

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  7. I am somehow in this situation and being here is worst. You can do nothing because their mind is already fixed with the'just friends" idea. He was so sweet and I assume, there was nothing more than that. He did it because he wants me to be happy, nothing else. I dont want to give up but I run out of reason fighting. Now he is starting to stay away from me, worse, even his glance worth millions now. I just miss him and how we used to be.

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