Monday, June 3, 2013
pseudo love letter
ph: aN ACciDenT
I just got off the phone with you and we’ve just had one of those really great conversations that makes me laugh at how both of us are just entirely huge goofballs. So in honor of you and me, and our amazing ability to still be friends I write this pseudo love letter to you.
There are so many things I could say to you, but I’ll try and just get to what I wouldn’t mind you reading again while you’re cleaning out your closet and stumble upon this letter in a shoebox.
I’ve been thinking about how much our relationship has developed throughout the last 20 months. You love numbers and I’m sure you’ll love this one, we’ve known each other 596 days- I’m sure that number will be off by the time I give you this. It’s so strange for me to think that for 527 of those days (not counting baseball trips or when you had to go back home) we were together almost every single day. From the zoo and geocaching, to baseball games and weddings, to concerts and bars, to hiking up to the Lighthouse and pigging out on burgers; all those memories have the good and the bad but they're ours. And time or distance or even the state of our relationship won’t change that.
We’ve done so many things together but above all I think we taught each other a lot about what it’s like to be in a good relationship- not a perfect one by a long shot but good.
How we met still makes me laugh. I still have my tattoo and the irony of it being a bunny is too perfect. I think we’ll always be in contention about who made the first move. I can only say that I’m glad I got to fall in love with you. And although I think you know how much I loved you, I’m still trying to figure out how I love you now and how we ended up at this point.
It’s dumb but I always think about agape, philia, and eros love (thank you Catholic school for that one). I don’t think you remember the conversation where I was telling you about how my love for you was all three but I do. I remember how completely true it felt and how laying down with you in that moment in your crappy apartment was so perfect. Loving you was the perfect combination of friendship, sex, and overall respect and caring for the other.
Of course we were really great at arguing and wanting to kill each other too. Fighting with you was, and continues to be, so intense for me because I care about you. I value your opinion and although you thought at times that I never took the things you said to heart, I listened to every criticism, compliment, and complaint you ever made about me and us.
I can only speak of the challenges I had because I’m not in your head---GET OUTTA MY HEAD!--- but believe it or not I still think I’m way more emotional than you. And it still makes me sad to think about how angry and betrayed I felt when we broke up. It also makes me sad to think about how we were over long before we were actually over. I knew it that moment in Houston when you looked at M and told him how him and K would never be celebrating a dinner like that for us. I could tell by the way you looked at me how much you meant it and I knew that “we” were gone.
I bring this up only because I know you didn’t think I was fighting for us in the end and how I believe part of you thinks I was looking for an excuse to get out.
But I wasn’t.
I was looking for reasons to stay and to make you want to stay. And I know you never cheated on me and I know you’ll never tell me the extent of who exactly you spoke to and how you talked to them but I don’t want to know; and that’s not the reason I’m writing you this letter. I’m writing this because I love you, I hate you, I’m going to miss you, and I’m so glad you’re going out there and being the best version of you.
I’m writing this because I know all those little things that make you tick and squirm and how despite my pride in being independent and rational you are one of the few people that can unravel me.
You are also one of the few people with the ability to build me up again.
For 527 days I got to love you as my boyfriend. And for 596 days and counting I’ve been a part of your life. I know another women will come and replace me and I look forward to still being a part of your life when that happens, because you only date badasses and she won’t mind if we’re all friends (it’s just science). I say this with a completely true and open heart because our breakup was hard and painful but it was also necessary and good.
Our relationship has made me realize how much I still have to grow and how much I’m still not ready to settle down. I’m too spontaneous, restless, and lets face it selfish, to offer even a small portion of myself to anyone right now. Which is why I’m glad I still have you in my corner to anchor me down when I’m in danger of flying off into whatever imaginary sunset I’ve created for the day.
And when that day comes when I do offer my heart to someone, I want you to know that it is because of you and our relationship that I am a better version of myself and will be a better girlfriend, wife, and mother to whatever risk taker is willing to build a life with me. I’ll always be grateful for that.
This is my pseudo love letter to you. Pseudo because our love is different now but nonetheless it is still love. But not pseudo in that I know in my heart and in my head and in every word I speak and write to you that I will love you forever and like you for always; regardless of where we are in life and how much or little we are a part of that life, that will always stay true.
Thank you loving me and letting me love you.