Monday, June 17, 2013
i can't fall for you
ph: Tunde Pecsvari // Kenyai
I didn't know you. We worked together for a month, I thought you were funny so my friend and I went out to dinner and invited you. You showed me the reason why: you were literally a blast. Made me laugh the whole night. But never did I get a vibe from you that you noticed me in any way other than friends. Honestly I thought you wanted my friend and that's why you came. I remember I made you laugh...a lot and it felt good to make someone laugh but I went home and thought nothing of it. Until I got a text the next morning from my friend telling me that you said you liked me and wanted to hang out again. And I thought nothing else of it for over a week. We spent a night at work doing the graveyard shift watching Jeers on ESPN and then it happened. You took my hand and held it for what seemed like forever. I was suprised honestly and didn't know what to do. So I just decided to go for it and leaned over and kissed you. You kissed me back and just like that everything was different.
I will be honest and say I've had sparks fly before. This time wasn't really different beside the fact it was effortless and felt like we had done it a thousand times. Your hands were much softer than I expected since you do hard work. We didn't stop kissing for over an hour. Each minute that passed by I felt like I was falling. Not in love of course, just falling into something maybe adoration or infatuation. Something along those lines. Things started to get pretty hot so we took a break and headed outside for a bit. I was a little cold and you noticed, grabbed your coat and put it around my shoulders. When you stayed 3 hours after your shift was over it felt like the night had flown. Laughing, playing, just being. When you left you literally swept me off my feet and kissed me. The single most romantic thing anyone has ever done to me. I went home and thought about everything in detail because it didn't feel real just trying to find a flaw somewhere. But there were none and for a minute I was the single most happiest girl on the planet. Literally cloud 9.
It's been a week now and every chance we've gotten we've kissed or touched. You told me about your mom having lukemia, and I shared my aunt's own chemo story she's going through. We definitely connected over that. You shared with me about when your little brother was hit by a drunk driver at the young age of 18 and how it changed your outlook on life. We continue to talk everyday more and more, and even though in the back of my mind I wonder where this is really going. You haven't pressured me about sex telling me not to worry about it when I'm ready. This isn't the start of a relationship, nothing like that because even though you've opened up to me you don't want a full relationship and honestly I'm not ready for one either.
I have tried to learn from my mistakes which is why I can't ask you myself what is going on with us. I don't want to scare you because I need you, and I need this. A part of me doesn't even care about the logistics of it, I am just enjoying whatever it is. But I know it will come to an end. There's no other outcome from it. And it will hurt, and we will probably lose each other. That's why I can't fall for you, not fully. If I knew that you felt the same way maybe I could let myself, but I can't be the sucker this time-not again. All I know is you have made me feel special, and beautiful. And I thank you for whatever time you can lend me.