Wednesday, June 26, 2013
a sort of relationship
ph: Kelly Podesta
I actually think I love you, but I never thought I could fall in love.
I don't know why I think I love you, no theories. I only have things that, together, might be called proof.
I care twice as much as your opinion than everyone else's. If I get just one text from you (even if I almost never do) it completely makes my day. You remember than one time when I was just so tired and sad and you just holding me for half a minute changed everything? That's how it is.
I don't ever feel like actually flirting with people, because I never find anyone I like anymore. It's not that you set the bar too high, it's more that you created a specifically shaped hole in my heart and the only person fitting into that hole is you.
It's not that I find you perfect, I see all your imperfections. It's just that I don't see anyone else who could mean half as much to me.
I know we said we'd keep it a secret to all our friends, and at first we said we'd just fool around whenever we felt like it. But with all our ups and downs, our break ups and our make ups, I don't think that's what we have.
I keep telling myself that if I were actually in love with you, I'd be jealous over you being with other people. I never get jealous. Did I tell you why? To get jealous, I must first convince myself I'm worthy of even having you.
I'm wondering if I should tell you, because being unhappily in love with someone you're in a sort of relationship with sucks. But I won't, because I think you want it just as casual as this, and telling you would put too much pressure on you.
That's why you make me hate myself. I can never be good enough for you.