ph: Alejandro Melero Carrillo
B,
Don't worry--I don't want you to call me so I can convince you to be
with me again like last time. You hurt me very much and you already
know this.
What I need is for you to know my feelings for you. Sometimes, I'm not
good with actions or showing my emotions, but that doesn't mean I
don't have them. And I know that it's only been a week we haven't seen
each other, but I'm very impatient and I need to tell you what I feel.
because after, I will be more calm than I am now and there will be no
point.
I'm not a robot. Or cold. I'm not crazy--sometimes. I'm not distant. I
just need time. And security.
At the beginning, I was so scared to be with you because I didn't know
what to expect. And this is normal. I read something in my journal,
don't laugh...it was the day of your birthday when I went to Paris
last minute and I wrote: "B sounded disappointed that I wasn't going
to his birthday. I just don't feel like meeting all his friends and
getting attention like that. Oh it's the girl B's dating. No, that
doesn't interest me. which is why I told him before to see other
girls. I don't know what my emotions will be like tomorrow or in a
month and I don't want to hurt him or myself."
This is why you really hurt me when you said if you'd been in love
with me, you wouldn't have cheated on me. Okay, fine, I understand if
you hadn't really been in love.
I know there was a time when you didn't believe that I had real
feelings for you. and maybe you will always feel this way. It was hard
between us many times for many reasons, but we had a beautiful story.
Complicated and impossible, but beautiful. Maybe it's because I write
a lot and I have a big imagination that for me, our story is
beautiful, but I wasn't by myself in this relationship so I don't
think that I invented anything. And for me, when you tell me that
you're "okay" when I asked you yesterday--well for me, it means that
you're really okay. And me, I wasn't okay this week. I can admit this.
And you were right--you were honest with me and it was me who pushed
things between us, but I cannot believe that it was only me who wanted
this.
This is why I hate when I hear: "you will find someone else. you'll
find other guys." Yes, fine, I know this, it's life. But it's not this
that upsets or annoys me. I'm not looking for anyone. We were a
beautiful accident--it wasn't on purpose. That's all. We can't replace
accidents just like that. Yes, I will one day find another guy, but
that doesn't mean that he will replace you because for me, everyone
has his individual value.
I want you to see what I see when I look at you.
I love your weaknesses. The weaknesses of the old, the weaknesses of
the young. It touches me. And if I love you, it's because I understand
you very much. I love your quirks and I love that you understand
mine. It annoys me when people tell me that B is complicated. That
devalorizes you, I find. Yes, you're complicated, but who isn't
complicated? It's easy to say that. You're different, you're original.
and most of all, you are beautiful. you have a beautiful soul.
You too, you deserve better. And you can.
Maybe I say this because I'm selfish, and I know it's not my business,
but I don't want you to be with someone randomly. I want you to be
with someone who deserves you B.
and one day, I hope that B and S can have a beautiful story of friendship.
-S
