Sunday, March 10, 2013
inked into my story
You once told me that if there was ever something I needed to say to you, to scream at you, to share with you, that I could and I should share with you so that I can heal.
You know that I struggle to verbalize only the very closest words to my heart out loud. So, this is what I have wanted to say to you.
"I am both happy and sad and I am trying to figure out how that could be."
Will you always invade my thoughts, even though I am inexplicably happy with someone else?
Why do you feel with your mind first, and your heart second?
Why did you tell me you loved me six months after we broke up?
Why do you only think of my needs when it is convenient for you? (still)
Why did you not hold me, call me, talk to me when I needed you most? It was my darkest year and I needed you.
Why did you hug me, hold my hand, stare deep into my eyes but not kiss me? As now, people delegitimize my pain.
You were my first love and the first person to make me understand the phrase: we are all born into brokeness. You broke me. You tamed my spirit. You scheduled me into your planner instead of your heart. You showed me what true love is not.
I have realized that being an active person who is forced to remain inactive is often more painful than the pain the injury itself causes. You caused me to be inactive. I wonder if you will ever comprehend how many nights I cried myself to sleep because of your (in)actions, your lack of words. You know that I do not believe that people have one sole soul mate. Yes, we could of been but we are not. Yes, I will always love you in some way or another.
You once told me this: Life can only take one path in the end, history is an unchangeable story in reality, and God, being outside of any conceivable box we can design for Him (Her), knows what that story is from end to end (whether 'tis a circle or a line). But our choices and actions matter. I think He is helping us with the writing and penmanship but we write our own lives. You will forever be inked into my story.
Re-read your words, internalize them. Smell, breath, touch, feel, see the beauty of this life and your words and turn your knowledge into action.
Please, please re-think how it makes me feel when you say, "I believe I can love you better than anyone else" when you broke your promises (your words) to me on countless occasions.
Love is action. Love is a feeling. Love is not a calculation.
Though it pains me to admit it, I miss you.
For the last time - "Your Monkey"
I am free.