Monday, February 11, 2013
ph: Marija Strajnic
I am exhausted. Actually, I’m weary. My name means weary and I have always felt it, but how do you express to anyone at age 14, 15, 19 that you feel weary? Weatherworn, battered, sad with life and people? I am falling in love with a man with a girlfriend. A beautiful, loving girl I once was blessed to call my friend. A girl he loves and he doesn’t deserve. He’s pursued me throughout their entire relationship, even while she was still in America with us. When they took a three-day break, he found me and begged for me. She left the state for a weekend and he came to my door, begging to just let him hold my face in his hands. He says he wants to understand me, the girl who hides everything, shields everything. And now, while his girlfriend is living in France again, they are in an open-relationship, and he and I have fallen into an affair. I resisted for months, but throughout drunkenly fell into bed with him again and again. He’s forceful, selfish and manipulative. He even confessed, tonight, that he is using me, hoping I would confess reciprocation to heal his guilt. I told him I wasn’t using him. I am being used as a surrogate girlfriend. Someone he knows will care for him, ache for his presence and satisfy him. And he has found me, a girl who has never had a commitment, a boyfriend, a true love before, and has devastated me. I fought this for so long with him and every man who has tried because I was scared. But I also fought hard because I knew the days of lying in bed together, the confessions, the intimacy, the fact that we have become each others best friends, was all wrong. It has beaten at my conscience and emotions, until now, I am numb to guilt. I am numb to everything but the desire to be loved in return. My friend overdosed two weeks ago, and I am terrified because I cannot mourn her, because I am numb. The girls I live with, who a month prior I believed to be my life long friends, have abandoned and shamed and bullied me from my home with them because of him. But I can’t care because I am numb. The only space in my heart now is consumed with a desperate, constant, throbbing ache to have the first person I ever let in, the first man I broke my guard to, to hold me. He told me he was afraid of falling in love with me, that he wanted to be my first love, that he would leave her if I asked, and I said I couldn’t. I was scared and ashamed. Now my world is collapsing around me, and I am desperately clinging to any stable ground. I want him now, but he is returning to Europe for our break, where he will spend the weeks in the arms of a woman who loves him more purely and honestly than I ever could. And it is over. He doesn’t want me anymore. I can’t expect anything else from him, and I can’t feel anything but desperately, unendingly weary.