Wednesday, February 27, 2013


ph: Viola Cangi

You know when love is just beautiful? When you find someone who’s creases in the palms of their hands perfectly match up with yours? When that person’s smile is like the sunrise to your happiness? Just the mere thought of them creates a tidal wave of butterflies in the pit of your stomach, but in a good way. When you awake every morning to either their scent right beside you, or a sweet text message telling you everything you want to hear. When that person makes you feel like the only human being existing in their world and you just feel an endless supply of love, like nothing, not a single thing can bring you down?

I can’t tell you about that kind of love. I can, however, tell you all about the dark side of love. The kind of love that feels like the most poisonous, addictive drug that courses through your insides and rots away your very core. The kind of love that leaves you both numb, a hopeless void, and at the same time as contradictory as it sounds, in excruciating pain. When you find yourself sitting in your dark bedroom at 3am, just staring in a type of catatonia caused by racing thoughts of how it all ended up here? When you become all too familiar with the taste of your own tears and you just bleed your eyes dry until you can’t cry anymore. The type of love that has you shaking in bed, anxious if they’re going to walk away this time (again) for the millionth time. Wondering, in a constant battle with yourself, if this is your entire fault, if this is what you deserve? It’s like heaven and hell in comparison. That’s how I imagine it anyway. Some people are just blessed with love, with a perfect person, with flowers growing from their fingertips, and warmth dancing around them. But some people are cursed with love, with swollen eyes, and heavy hearts, and thorns breaking through their skin.

I have never been addicted to any substance, but I imagine that it’s exactly the same really. You meet this person who you think is so right for you, so intriguing and you’re excited to try this person. That’s your first hit, your first snort, your first injection, your first sip; the first time the drug flows through your bloodstream and it’s euphoria, it’s perfect. It’s warm and it’s magnificent and it makes you feel things you’ve never in a million years felt. You want more, no, you need more. You need them; their body, their smell, their voice, their sound, their presence, their feeling, their promises, you need it all until you become greedy. You become addicted to this person, essentially your own personal drug, designed just for you, baby. And that’s when the darkness comes. This drug isn’t all you thought it was but you’re desperate. It’s not good for you anymore. It’s arguments and miscommunications and not understanding what you want. It’s fights and broken glass and bruises and lust. It’s addiction. It’s adrenaline and screams and sobbing into your pillow. It’s begging and pleading and promising you’ll do anything for more, just more of him, anything as long as you don’t take away the drug. You can’t live without it and by now the scariest and saddest thing of all has happened: you’ve lost yourself. The single, most important thing- your own self- has been lost in this addiction. You’ve lost friends and family and people look at you with pity, they start to notice the sunken eyes and your shrinking frame. They notice that you’ve become less of a person and more of a ghost, that they’re speaking to you but you aren’t hearing them. The world spins and whirls around you in colors and fast flashes and it makes you so f*cking nauseated, so you choose to just stay in your bed, the only safety you know anymore. Eventually, you start your rehab. You cut them out, you detox their existence, they disappear and so do your cravings. But it doesn’t last for long does it? Because they always, always come back. A text message from him, a “hey how have you been?”, a drunken phone call, an “I miss you”, a night of sex…whatever it is and he’s back in your system and god, you forgot how good this drug was, and before you know it you’re sucked right back into this disgusting, vicious cycle until you’re left realizing that this drug that you need so badly, it doesn’t need you back- it just uses you, it just plays with your head to get what it wants. And you’re right back in the darkness, sitting in your bedroom, dragging on a cigarette with mascara melted all over your face and palms, sobbing, hating yourself for letting that drug back in, for believing that this drug would finally love you the way you loved it, for hoping that just this once you’d have your heaven.

But let me tell you something. You will never find your heaven if you stay in your hell and those thorns will never turn to flowers if you stay out of the sunlight.

I’ve spent the last year and a half, chasing after an ex boyfriend who left me and has since lead me to hell and back. He’s used me and blamed me, he’s never thought he was wrong, he’s bounced between me and other girls and never once apologized. He’s made me feel like I was nothing, worthless, and never good enough. He’s hardened my heart and I’ve cried a sea’s worth of tears over him- and that’s not even the half of it. I’ve walked away countless times just to let him back in when he comes back around, because this boy is my drug. Can I even call it love? Probably not. But I can’t let go. I wish I were strong enough, but I’m drained, I’m exhausted, I’ve overdosed and sometimes I feel like I’m already dead.

There’s a quote that goes: “I would have followed him to hell if he asked me to, and with all he put me through, maybe I did.

Maybe I did.


  1. I just loved every single part of it. You really know how to write.

    But I've got to tell u something, I can relate to what u wrote, I think that everyone can, but u really have to try to live your life. They say that love comes when you least expected it, and it's true. But u can't let any man change u, because in the end, and i'm sorry but there's always an end (even if it's not forever) u found yourself lost, because u change your routine and your way of being for him.

    I hope u find yourself your way back to you, I really do.

  2. That was beautifully written, even though the story's sad. I hope things'll turn out better for you.
    I've not been in the exact same position. But there's a boy who's been my drug for seven years now, and he doesn't even know it. Unrequited love.

  3. I can feel real pain in this.
    "you’ve become less of a person and more of a ghost"...that's exactly how I feel at the moment.
    Thanks for making me feel less alone in this.

  4. people are the most addictive thing on this planet

  5. This post is absolutely, terribly beautiful. It spoke so deeply to a relationship of mine that I was re-experiencing the relationship as I read this. The piece that came next for me was numbness in the relationship. I found that I finally, after 2 years, couldn't feel pain anymore. It was as though there was nothing left. But even then I stayed with him, but looking back I realize that the onset of numbness was my first attempt at getting out. Emotionally, I was out. I began hurting him back, and slowly was getting out of the hell I had felt trapped in.
    I got out, and I did find a perfect love with another man, flowers from the fingertips and all!

    It might not feel like it now, but in a lifetime, one can experience hell AND heaven.
    It might be difficult, but take time to listen to yourself, even if you feel you aren't strong enough to do anything about it, just listen for a moment.

  6. Hello. Even tho I duno u, but *hugsssssss* :) try n feel better alright.

  7. ''But let me tell you something. You will never find your heaven if you stay in your hell and those thorns will never turn to flowers if you stay out of the sunlight.''

    Beautifully written.

  8. I think I'm close to being that overdosed. I'm scared...

  9. This is one of the most beautiful, painful and perfectly written posts ever to have found it's way to Lelove.
    Thank you! For making me feel less alone..

    I wish you the best.
    And I promise you, you'll find your way back from hell one day. I promise you that.

  10. This was absolutely spectacular. i can hear the pain echoing through your passages, and I know the feeling you're describing. I just wanted to let you know, you sound like you have a beautiful soul, and you CAN be strong enough to break away. Best of luck darling!!!!! <3 Don't ever give up on trying to find yourself again.

  11. This was so good. i hope you realize you can be strong enough to let him go. best of luck xoxo jules

  12. I'm sitting in safety now, in my bed, thinking of my drug and reading this beautifully eloquent post. I'm coming down from my high, having just seen him and am stuck in a cloud that I can't see through. This post opened my eyes...I need to find my light again. Thank you for sharing your words.

  13. gan steady infonya very good and very interesting,,,,,

  14. What a beautifully written post. It is clear from all these comments that you've touched on something that so many people have felt/are feeling and can relate to. Myself too, although not to the same extent as we were never properly together but it is something I have to deal with every day and our relationship still hurts me all the time. I hope you find a way to remove yourself from him, I know how hard it is and that it takes time but I know you will do it. Best of luck to you, thank you for sharing your story.

  15. mathilda a girl with a broken heartMarch 2, 2013 at 6:05 AM

    This is the best text i have ever read!! so true everything. it hurts so much... every day is a fight
    I going to tell that one that i love the most that i haft to go .He haft to let me go, let me move on with out him.
    it going to hurt and i maybe dont going to get up from bed in days. but i haft to i just haft to break free from all the darkness. thank you so much for this text! it made me wake up and see what i had to do.

  16. I live that hell. Except he took my money. Thousands and thousands of dollars. I have to take him to court, but I dont know how to put myself there. He just sucks me back into the hole he dwells in. He is who I would never be, yet I miss him. I cant seem to pull myself out for the first time in my life. It has been eight and a half months of hell. I hate myself for it.

  17. Thank you, I needed to read this today. He left me (again) last night and I know he will be back (again), and right now I feel like I'm weak and vulnerable and I need him... But I know I have to stand up and say no. For me.

  18. This is scarily true.
    Why is it that things seem so black and white from an outsiders perspective but when you are in the deep dark depths of loves hold, everything blurs out and you can't see a clear path?
    Sending love and light to you...

  19. It doesnt get better. We somehow need to love ourselves enough to say this is not who I am. Have you ever seen the documentary the secret??? It is a boring start, but I believe it!!I am starting to try and move forward. Chin up, shoulders back. Your far from alone. :)

  20. Wow thanks so much
    I was married to a jerk like that. He left me twice, came back twice on his knees with flowers and apologies and nothing changed. Now we are actually over because he decided it was all to hard (for him!)

  21. I as so many other have been exactly where you are. Went in & out of hell for six (6!) years. I know that addictive drug so well.. It will drain you emotionally. I have now walked on (moved to another country) it's been 1 1/2 years since I left and I still think of him every day! But time heals everything, it's true!! Sincerely hope you find the strength to stay away!! Xx


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