Monday, February 4, 2013
ph: Mariana Pacho López
I always find it funny. It seems like every time I’m happy again or things are finally looking up, he comes right back around.
This “he,” is the boy I was in love with all of freshman year of college. My freshman year of college was him. I spent every moment with him, sometimes just as best friends, sometimes as cuddle buddies, and sometimes as more. But through it all, I loved him. Through every fight and harsh thing he said to me, through every tear, I promised myself that it would somehow be worth it. We were happy together for a few months, having fun, nothing serious – to him at least. But to me, every moment made me so happy and as girls stupidly do, I fell in love. However, as things always do, it ended. He went back to his ex-girlfriend and left me behind. I felt abandoned, hurt, angry, sad, depressed, every feeling you could imagine. Even worse, he ignored me, put me down, was awkward around me, making every part of the friendship and relationship we worked at seem as though it had never meant anything. Then it started, the rumors of him telling people that he never even really liked me. That I was just convenient at the time of need. I had never been so hurt in my life. I came home one weekend from school and cried every night. I went down to beach near my house where I usually go with my thoughts and sat down, stared at the ocean hoping for answers, but could do nothing but hysterically cry. A guy had never affected me and hurt me so much in my life. He had told me loved me, told me he cared, told me he really could see himself with me in his life. But he lied. He had said all those things because that’s what I wanted to hear, yet I was so blinded by my love and happiness that I didn’t care. The last month of school was torture. Being around him in class, in my dorm, around my friends, it as so awkward and hard to get past. But as it always, time heals all wounds.
Then came sophomore year, a new year, a new me. I became more confident, ready to have fun and possibly find someone new. Things between me and my old love had finally gone back to somewhat normal. “Best friends” again. But of course my attraction was always there, and I could tell so was his.
Second semester I found someone new. Someone who treated me that way I deserve to be. I’m with him now and he is everything I’ve dreamed of. Sweet, caring, tells me I’m beautiful everyday, always wants to know what I’m doing and how my day was going. We’ve begun to become closer and closer in every way possible. He’s met my family and friends and I’ve met his. I can see myself being so happy with him and not having a care in the world because I am truly happy. Yet there’s a wall. A wall I can’t yet let down. I was so hurt once before that to let my guard down so quick would be dumb. Or would it? I really don’t know. I don’t even know how I feel sometimes. I’m scared and can’t figure out how I truly feel. I know I really like him, I know I really see myself being with him, but somehow I’m terrified of the unknown. Terrified of being hurt, of being left behind, but I have to remember – they’re not all like him. Not everyone will break my heart like he did.
But then here he comes, as soon as I find someone new, someone who makes me truly happy and makes me smile. Telling me he’s in love with me again. Telling me I should give it time and me and him can work, that he’s done with his girlfriend, that it had been bad timing before and he wants it to work. He always comes back around.