Friday, January 18, 2013

you will not be my last

LELOVE BLOG STORIES QUOTES ADVICE Untitled by Adriano Sodré on Flickr
ph: Adriano Sodré

You loved me, and at first, it was an unrequited love. But once I allowed myself to, I loved you back. I became vulnerable as you forced yourself into my mind, creeping into my privacy, making my thoughts more accessible and my soul less exclusive. By doing this, you tore down my wall. I was fully open to you, making myself an easy target for heartbreak. I was scared and you knew this, but you made a promise and I trusted you. And it felt good to trust someone.

So, though I never thought I would, I let myself fall. We lived and laughed and loved together. We grew too close but enjoyed it, embraced our romantic friendship. Things changed, but we remained. The physical distance between us grew, though our love seemed stronger than ever. At least to me it did.

It came out of nowhere and within seconds I felt lower than I ever had. I was embarrassed that I was misled by you. That I, of all people, fell for it, didn’t even guess that our bond was disintegrating. You had successfully fooled me. I was so ashamed at how affected I was by you, this stranger that used to be my love. It felt as though I was suffocating and suffering from a blow to the stomach all at the same time. I thought that feeling was made up by Hollywood screenwriters who felt the need to make the portrayal of a relationship as dramatic as possible, but it was all too real: the weak, trembling knees and the need to collapse in tears and curl into a ball, trying to prevent anyone else from getting in.

The thing I feared most, the thing that I promised to my former independent, strong self had happened: my heart had been broken.

You are enjoying your life now, which on the surface kills me because I want you to regret your decision. But, deep within my core, I am glad for you. I don’t like either of these feelings. I do not want someone who deeply hurt me to have my happiness, and I especially do not want them to have my anger. I wish I merely did not care, for indifference is stronger than hatred. Anyone who is trying to figure out how to behave around a former love will most likely understand what I mean by that, that indifference is stronger.

I am no longer in love with you, yet you still have my heart. I am trying to get it back, and it’s so frustrating because you don’t even want it. Maybe what’s keeping it with you is that fact that you have a power that no other will ever possess: you were my first love.

But you will not be my last. I refuse to be forever broken. I strive to love like I’ve never been hurt, and I vow to let go of what hurts in order to make room for what feels good. I’m so sad that such a fun, simple, beautiful relationship has ended completely with no remains of a friendship whatsoever, but I must let go. It will take time, and I am prepared for that. But I must admit, I cannot wait for the day when I wake up and am able to say that I did not think of you once the day before. It is in that moment when I will consider myself healed.

20 comments:

  1. the day that happens will come. it took me a over a year. but it was worth the wait. like a huge weight has been taken off you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. and that day does come. it came to me and it felt gooood!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. The same happened to me, he still has my heart, he still misleads me... Just wish he could stop pretending and lying to me...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am really looking for such a great article. Like this most of my friends used to share their ideas as quotes which make your loved one to think more about you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. after ending something ,something will be start . nice article, tanks for sharing.
    nizam

    ReplyDelete
  6. " this stranger that used to be my love".
    :(

    Sometimes we love.. we just do.. without knowing why or without being rational at all..
    Sometimes we fall in love with a stranger.. And never let the feeling go.

    ReplyDelete
  7. thanks for sharing your story.
    i really love it, altho it is so sad. i am in a similar situation.
    the idea that a guy is able to own your heart, i hate this feeling!
    but with everyday it gets better and better and someday,
    it will be mine again.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I deeply understand you. Looking forward to that day, too. But I have faith in my heart - it will come!

    Go girl.

    xoxo Laurenzia

    ohnowheregirl.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. I truly love how strong you are. You're very inspiring. Keep your hope and faith, you deserve a great love.

    ReplyDelete
  10. thank for share your article... nice post..

    ReplyDelete
  11. this is incredible
    so strong and powerful
    im experiencing something similar, you are not alone

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you sharing a lovely post. i love to read your post.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Similar thing happened to me . . . She still has my heart . . Lovely post... Thanks for sharing

    ReplyDelete
  14. aw. i feel it entirely..
    i loved reading it.
    stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Exactly how I felt. I am now free, as optimistic and able to commit as before. And so will you. :D C.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I got burned a few years ago and since then I am yet to let my guard down with any guy. I've just started a new relationship and he's perfect and falling for me and I want to as well. But this post has put me off - I remember the suffering now..

    ReplyDelete
  17. "I am no longer in love with you, yet you still have my heart. I am trying to get it back, and it’s so frustrating because you don’t even want it. "

    It was like reading my own thoughts. I'm going through the exact same thing. My first love that left me. Nothing remains but hatred and that makes me hate him even more. It's like everything we had didn't mean anything.

    I love this. I'm saving the text forever. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I understand your situation exactly. A guy took my heart almost two years ago, and even though it's been over two months without speaking to him, he has my heart. It's good to know that even if you feel like the only one out there feeling the heartbreak, you're not. Stay strong. Tough times don't last, tough people do. I haven't seen a storm last forever.

    Best wishes.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love it. I feel like I am going through the exact same thing, and I am hurting everyday. But i will refuse to let him mess me up. Slowly but surely, I will heal. He was my first love, but will not be the last.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...