Wednesday, January 16, 2013

when he sorts out his feelings

ph: Alina Valitova

The reason why I've been so upset lately is of course because of a boy. It's what it's always about. They have a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it, and leave with a reason that is something that is unacceptable in your eyes and doesn't make sense. And confuses you. And you blame yourself. And them. And then yourself again. You always blame yourself. Or something like that.

We ended things September 4th. He was going back to school. In my eyes things had ended two weeks before that. He told me that I wouldn't be a priority to him. I was even going to move to where he was going so I could be with him, so in doing so told me not to bother going. He told me that he wasn't in love with me, and that he didn't want a relationship because school & his movie he's been filming (and that I helped film everyday for months) was more important to him and that there wouldn't be room for me. He told me he didn't try the entire relationship. I have never, ever been told to my face that I wasn't a priority to them. Through actions I suppose I have, but never verbally, straight up like this. Words spoke louder than actions for this two hour long conversation. He told me he wanted to continue dating me for the time he had left in the city, so I said yes. Because I was in love with him. I still am.

As of this day I have cried ever since then. Everyday. Before he left it was hard. He even cried. I remember waking up in the middle of the night when I spent the night there and in his sleep he pulled me close. I started crying because I had no idea of how I'd be able to manage. I still don't. He'd kiss me on my forehead or nose when he thought I was sleeping. I miss him for even those little things.

Then he left. It's as if he has a switch somewhere in his body of which he could turn on or off for a relationship. He treats me differently now. Too different. He won't talk to me, he says he doesn't need to now that we're not in a relationship. He won't be playful or flirty at all with me. He is grouchy and easily irritated with me now whenever I bring up anything regarding us. He won't talk about his feelings. He told me he doesn't have time to even think about his feelings because they matter much less than school. That hurts me. I want him to know how he's feelings whether he wants me or not. I want him to be okay, and I know he's not.

Tonight I confronted him about this for I think the last time. I reminded him that the second time we hungout (ever) he told me critical things about his life, his secrets he kept from nearly everyone. And I told him mine. He told me he hadn't felt this way in a long time and I saw it in his face that he meant it. He went back to school shortly after this, and we still dated. I visited. Ever since around this time he put up a wall. That was the first and last time he talked about his deep feelings. I told him tonight that I wish I knew what made him do this, what made him run from me and everyone else. I don't know what I did to make him get so afraid. I wish I had answers. I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. This is the most I've ever been hurt by one person. Maybe when he sorts out his feelings we can date again, but I don't know. He said we could. He has a lot to sort out.


  1. I am currently in such a similar place w the end of a relationship that has been lingering on the edge for about 6 months... and I needed to read this tonight to reassure myself that I am not alone in my confusion....painfully real, honest, and well written post.... thank you. x Hillary

  2. It gets better


  3. You are way too good for him. Everyone's too good to be treaten like that. Forget him. You don't have to wait for him to sort his feelings out. Sort yourself out and date a boy who's thankful to have such a brave girl at his side.

    GO FOR IT.

    xoxo Laurenzia

  4. If the roles were reversed and it was the girl pushing the guy away in the same way, the guy wouldn't even bother trying to understand like the girl in this story but instead just get hurt and angry and make the life of the girl a living hell by trying to take revenge.
    welcome to MY life.

  5. I just had a conversation with my bf about life priorities where he felt that I am prioritizing my career but leaving him off of my prioritization list. Thank you for writing this...I love him and need to make sure he knows he IS a priority.

  6. Love is universal. Good to see you guys spreading it so much. There is too much hate interfere any way. Keep taking about love Cox its lovely for what its worth.

  7. You did nothing wrong. Never blame it one yourself. It was his problem that he had with himself, the fact that he thought he couldn't fit everything into his life in a way. Life isn't like a puzzle; pieces don't have to fit perfectly for it to be good. He handled this situation wrong, and I really wish he hadn't, I feel really bad.

  8. You said, you're upset because of a boy,and that's what it is ALWAYS about. Hmmm... I think, you, even more than him need to sort your own feelings out, and do some soul searching, why you keep letting boys to "always" upset you. You probably need to learn to draw the line way before someone goes and tramples your heart over, and put a stop to people taking advantage of you. You are at a threat to fall prey for someone like this person again, if you do not learn to value yourself.

  9. Love and life are interrelated terms. you are in this earth, because of love and i'm also here in this beautiful earth, Because of Love.


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