Wednesday, January 16, 2013

when he sorts out his feelings

ph: Alina Valitova

The reason why I've been so upset lately is of course because of a boy. It's what it's always about. They have a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it, and leave with a reason that is something that is unacceptable in your eyes and doesn't make sense. And confuses you. And you blame yourself. And them. And then yourself again. You always blame yourself. Or something like that.

We ended things September 4th. He was going back to school. In my eyes things had ended two weeks before that. He told me that I wouldn't be a priority to him. I was even going to move to where he was going so I could be with him, so in doing so told me not to bother going. He told me that he wasn't in love with me, and that he didn't want a relationship because school & his movie he's been filming (and that I helped film everyday for months) was more important to him and that there wouldn't be room for me. He told me he didn't try the entire relationship. I have never, ever been told to my face that I wasn't a priority to them. Through actions I suppose I have, but never verbally, straight up like this. Words spoke louder than actions for this two hour long conversation. He told me he wanted to continue dating me for the time he had left in the city, so I said yes. Because I was in love with him. I still am.

As of this day I have cried ever since then. Everyday. Before he left it was hard. He even cried. I remember waking up in the middle of the night when I spent the night there and in his sleep he pulled me close. I started crying because I had no idea of how I'd be able to manage. I still don't. He'd kiss me on my forehead or nose when he thought I was sleeping. I miss him for even those little things.

Then he left. It's as if he has a switch somewhere in his body of which he could turn on or off for a relationship. He treats me differently now. Too different. He won't talk to me, he says he doesn't need to now that we're not in a relationship. He won't be playful or flirty at all with me. He is grouchy and easily irritated with me now whenever I bring up anything regarding us. He won't talk about his feelings. He told me he doesn't have time to even think about his feelings because they matter much less than school. That hurts me. I want him to know how he's feelings whether he wants me or not. I want him to be okay, and I know he's not.

Tonight I confronted him about this for I think the last time. I reminded him that the second time we hungout (ever) he told me critical things about his life, his secrets he kept from nearly everyone. And I told him mine. He told me he hadn't felt this way in a long time and I saw it in his face that he meant it. He went back to school shortly after this, and we still dated. I visited. Ever since around this time he put up a wall. That was the first and last time he talked about his deep feelings. I told him tonight that I wish I knew what made him do this, what made him run from me and everyone else. I don't know what I did to make him get so afraid. I wish I had answers. I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. This is the most I've ever been hurt by one person. Maybe when he sorts out his feelings we can date again, but I don't know. He said we could. He has a lot to sort out.
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