Wednesday, January 23, 2013


ph: Monoloquia

Always? I thought I would get closure. In the beginning of the evening I didn't feel anything. I asked myself if I still felt attracted to you. I thought I didn't.

Sure, you were handsome, but you weren't as perfect as I've pictured you. Nobody is, my memory just played tricks with my mind I guess.

I decided that the business finally was finished. But then.. I don't know. The way I can talk, joke around and laugh with you. It's such a relief. I just stop thinking. It's funny. All I've done these past weeks has been leading up to this night. Thinking about it a lot. Then you offer me to sit next to you and ask me where I've been and how my life is. And there we go. The thinking stops. I'm just in the moment. Not a care in the world for anything else. Making me laugh, teasing me, exchanging experiences...

But that's what friends do, right? I can handle that, I think. Be friends. Good, business finished. Now I know. Or is it? Do I? Those small extra things confuses me so. Do you do those in front of every other girl? You already have someone else. You don't need to do those things you do. Trying to impress me. If you know we're friends, why go that extra mile? I remember almost every time you've tried to impress me. And I also remember I've acted unimpressed most of the time. When you were younger and doing tricks on the trampoline and in the same time saying things that made the little me laugh. When you gave me a ride on the moped. When you started talking about the moped when we were putting the bikes in the garage like two years later. I wasn't really impressed. I just laughed at you being silly. I didn't wanna go for another ride. I didn't really ask any questions about you selling the moped later on. But I admit, you caught me off guard that time you took your shirt off. I had to shyly look away. You looked great and you knew it. But you were single back then. Those extra things and the flirting was okay. Even if I was a kid when some of it happened. A kid who didn't understand. Yesterday you weren't single. Haven't been for the last year. Making me facing the music. Last night I found you doing those stuff again. Or that's what I think. And your grandma said you've never picked her up before. Was it a coincidence that you did it in front of me? Making me smile. Making me think you were a gentleman and making me see that you sure are strong. Or later on when you asked me to help you carry your backpack to your car since you had your hands full. I didn't comment on that the point of a backpack is to have it on you back. I just took it and followed you outside. Making me see and ask about your car.

But since we are friends I already know all that stuff. I've known my whole life. I know you are a gentleman, you've been one to me as long as I can remember. I know you're strong. We've arm-wrestled as kids and we've been talking about you doing all that heavy lifting in the military all night. And I saw your body that summer, even though I looked away. I know you have a car of your own. I liked your status about it even. You don't have to impress me. Not anymore at least since you got her.

You couldn't wrap your head around my age this time either. You never could. Always thinking I'm older. I laugh at it, saying that I take it as a compliment, but you just look thoughtful. Why does my age matter? If I'm just the little daughter who's a family friend, right?

But our night ended early. You had to get to her party. I don't blame you.

But what bothers me is that we didn't have a proper good bye this night either. I admit, I avoided you the last hour or so. I knew that you were driving off and I didn't want anything to get interrupted. As usual. The night just the two of us were watching that movie. The time you were just about to pick me up (no shirt on) and try to throw me in the pool. Afterwards it's time to go. And we don't say good bye. We just look a bit shyly at each other. Like kids who know they've done something bad. Thought I would be able to get a friendly farewell this time, since we didn't do anything wrong or were about to. But no. You couldn't look at me. You've always greeted me with a hug. You did last night too. But never given me a good bye one.

As always it ended with me not wanting to say good bye. Is that how it is for you too?

And I will try not to lay much into the look and smile your grandpa gave you. The ones he gave you after looking at us, standing next to each other after we had come back inside after being at your car. I guess it was nothing. That friendly, but resolute pat you gave him on his shoulder then. I try to tell myself that I in no possible way can figure out what that means. It means nothing. I think. But hope not.

Here I am. About 24 hours later. Just as confused as the last time. It tortures me. Why do you have to be so nice? You don't know how your kindness kills me. How can you make me feel so carefree? I know you are a good people person. I know that people love you. That they also think you're easy to talk too. There's nothing special about our conversations. Why do you do those completely adoring things? I believe you're very generous with compliments, but do you try to impress everyone like that? That's what I don't know.

I try to believe I leave your mind at the same time you step out of that door. But you cling onto mine. Making me sit here without the complete closure I need.

Will I always wait for the next time I get to see you? Will we always have this unfinished business? I hope not. Because my heart can't take it much longer. I don't always want to wonder what could have been. I don't care how it ends. Just make it stop.

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