Tuesday, December 4, 2012

to leave or to stay

ph: Rowena Waack

We’ve been together for a year now. We’ve done everything together, made promises and planned our futures. I love him with every inch of me, but there’s something wrong and not only can I not fix it, but I don’t even know what it is. We’ve always had fights, but lately they are heartbreaking and catastrophic. They last for days and days and we cry ourselves to sleep every night. What are we fighting about? Things have changed, he has changed but he doesn’t see it. He’s pulling away, I feel myself losing him and it’s making me crazy. He works a lot more now, and we don’t have much time to see each other. I wait for hours to see him and then something comes up and he can’t make it out to see me. He says he cares, I know he does. He hasn’t given up on us, and he says he never will. I’ve never felt so hopeless. I practice saying it out loud, “we aren’t happy in this relationship”… but when the time comes I am just scared to death of losing him and I can’t do it.

I can’t stand it anymore. Or that’s what I keep telling myself anyway. I have been saying that for so long it’s lost value to me. I am seriously down… so far down that I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel good about myself or have energy to pursue any type of happiness. I am the epitome of love addiction. How in the world do I stop putting him first? I put him above everything... my health, my goals, my happiness and it is killing me.

Still… I know all this … and when the time comes I don’t act on it.

I’ve prayed and begged and cried out all of my tears. I can’t do anything because as soon as I see him I am flooded with love. I know his secrets; I’ve held him while he’s cried. His smile, his laugh, everything about him are reasons not to leave.

But we can’t stop fighting. It’s hurting him too. I don’t know whether it would hurt him more to leave or to stay.


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  2. I don't know the answer but I feel you should trust our heart. It sounds like you really love him and the odds of finding something as special like that again are not the best. Relationships always have hard times. Maybe you should tell him exactly this, what you have said above. Tell him, " We aren't happy in this relationship, I don't want to leave. What can we do to make this work? What changes do we need to make? Because I want to see this through with you, because I love you. " I don't know but something like this might actually work because sometimes you have to be very direct with men or they won't get it. If your heart is stopping you from leaving it's probably for a good reason. Also, take care of yourself. Even in the drama you need to remember that you being happy is important, too. Good luck. :)

  3. I'll say, take time apart...I think you can think, and feel,then decide what you really wnat to happen in your relationship,,,

  4. I think you know, in your heart, what you really really want to do. And you should do it. Even though it's tearing you apart and you feel like you can't breathe anymore, you should just do it. Because in the end, either if it goes good or bad, you know you had been true to yourself.

  5. it could have been me who wrote this text. i was in the same situation in almost one year. ONE YEAR(!) in a relationship where i wasn't happy. i waited for something good to happen. i was hurt. and more hurt. all the time. he didn't treat me well. he gave too little time to me. i truly loved him. but anyway he was a asshole way too many times. so, in june this summer i said that im not willing to continue to be together anymore. we broke up. i cried in 2 weeks. but then i had a great summer, as a single lady. I was so angry why i didn't broke up earlier. it felt like i had spend a year with someone who didn't care about me at all. it feels harder right now, i still cry myself to sleep way to often. there is a part that's missing in me. i loved him. but i wasn't happy with him. but im not happy alone eather. Love is hard, but maybe its good that you know that you are not alone in this situation. and every day i wonder if i made the right decision.. xx

  6. I am this in right now, and i asked him what was going on. why he was distant. he said he was unhappy and needed to take care of himself.

    it hurts to leave. but its better that way. like that last post, we need to walk away and respect ourselves when people aren't making us happy.

    it will be scary. but making space in your life for better things is a good and beautiful thing, once you get passed the sadness and fear.

  7. I am in a similar situation and to talk to him about it is the scariest thing right now, but I decided on tuesday that I can't continue crying over it (over him) and feeling sad because it's wasting my energy and life and happiness and I thus think you should talk about your relationship with him, see how he feels about it. You really do deserve more than to cry yourself to sleep because of him, because you are not happy in the relationship. I've done it way too much and it sucks. Maybe you don't see it now (I didn't for a long time, because he is my everything) but you will. And in time, you will make the right decision, because then you realise you can't go on like this.

  8. Leave him...just find another right man ! :)

  9. Something that helped me in the same situation is imagining that if you could do it all over again and all this heartache happened at a time when you weren't as attached-would you have stayed then? The answer to that question can normally be the answer to the question you're struggling with. And even though it may seem impossible just know that it's not. It's painful but not impossible.

    1. mm so your point would be to leave? or to hold on and try to make it work?

  10. It's painful but not impossible.

    ditto that!!

  11. Oh God, thank you so much for posting this. This is the exact situation that I am in right now. I was shocked reading this. Every single word that you wrote is like a needle stabbed to my heart, it is just so true....

    I love him with all my heart. From day 1. And I love him more and more every day. I did everything that I could, but apparently it was not enough to keep him stay in love. I guess it's the true nature of love, unpredictable and hurting. We fight too much and we keep on hurting each other. After every fight, we sure made promises and stuffs, but it never took too long for us to fight again.

    He work a lot more and we never get to see each other (maybe he chose to do that so we dont have to see each other). He is too busy that he never have time to call or text anymore. He still says that he loves me, and that he still cares about me. But so what? I dont feel it. I dont feel his love. I cry myself to sleep every night...

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  13. As much as you love him, you wouldn't be thinking the way you are if something wasn't wrong. Yeah it'll probably hurt to end things, but you'll be doing him and you a favor in the end, love isn't supposed to hurt this much..

  14. I was in literally the exact same situation, with a boy I'd been dating for two and a half years. We were so incredibly in love for 2 years, and then he changed. We fought more often, he was being irrational and directing his anger at me. He was diagnosed with depression, and I did everything I could to help him through it. I read books on it, we went to counseling together and his therapist told me I was doing everything right. But even as his mood improved, our relationship got worse, because he wouldn't put forth the effort that I needed to see to know he was still dedicated. He broke up with me on Valentine's Day of this year, and we haven't had any contact in the 49 days since then (which is actually a pretty amazing feat, since we're in college and live about a block away from each other).

    And I am so much happier now.

    I loved him with all of my heart, he was my best friend, I did absolutely everything I could to try to repair our relationship, but that's a two person battle and he wasn't fighting. I miss him, and I'm curious as to how his life is going, but I have so much less drama in mine now. Fewer tears, less anger, and a lot more time to focus on myself.

    My advice to you would be to leave him, because you deserve better, and that could be hard to realize until you can take a step back from the situation for a few months. And if it's truly meant to be, it will work out in the end.


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