Sunday, December 16, 2012
ph: abran fuego
I’ve decided I’m going to concentrate on myself. What I want, what I need, what I feel. I need to figure out my own direction in life, my real interests, and what makes me happy. I can’t live off what I think I need, especially if I’m going to look for it from other people. I need a sense of my own self-satisfaction. I need confidence in myself. I like art, I like music, and I like literature. There are no rules, only what I feel. I’m not going to freak out over boys, not worry every second about not having one, nor am I going to read in to everything they say or do. I do not a need a boyfriend to define me. I just need me. Others’ definitions do help to create me, but they do not define me. I am who I want to be. Everything is my own perception. I need to stop being so paranoid about everything. People notice me a lot less than I think, which also scares me because being the narcissist that I am, I love being noticed for the positive. I also need to realize that I can’t always get what I want. The Rolling Stones got it right. Life doesn’t always turn out how you plan, but I’ve realized that I need to just roll with the punches. There is no right path, because if there is I’m definitely on another fucking path than the one the media and our culture portray. A boy won’t like me just because I want him to, nor will someone who is just looking for an easy hookup (and I provide one) miraculously want a girlfriend, especially in such a scenario. Yet, I cannot become too jaded and miss an opportunity when it pops up. I need to just worry less about this. Of course worry is such an integral part of me. Before college it was about all I was missing out on and really trivial issues and loneliness. Now the issues are different but still derive from the same sense of insecurity and lack of satisfaction. While I’m still trying to figure what will help to fill the void in my soul, I’m going to relax more and do things that bring me pleasure while making sure I become a well adjusted adult. Patience…that’s all I need. Love will happen when it does. I can’t mistake lust or desire for love. You can’t force it or act like it’s an accessory. I’ll just have to wait and instead focus on what I have: good friends, fun adventures, opportunities in the greatest city in the world, a world class education, and a loving family. I’ll enjoy myself in the meantime without getting confused. All these boys, they’re just fun. Who needs serious? It feels good to kiss, to touch, but that’s not love. I’ll just enjoy it for what it is. I like to feel sexy and that’s what these boys provide. I want to feel desirable.